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Category Archives: Self-Imposed Psychoanalysis through Song

Dilate: to describe or develop at length

My therapist asked me today if I felt like I was in any better of a place than I was the last time I saw her. She wasn’t actually referring to my overall well-being at that moment, she was alluding to the issues I’ve been having regarding some unrequited feelings I had for my ex. As I’ve discussed here, he and I were going to try to do the ‘friend’ thing, although never in my history of breakups have I ever maintained a friendship with one of my ex’s. Ex’s are ex’s for a reason, and I’ve never really felt the need to check up on any of them. Most were not good men – one had a serious drug problem, one had a serious liked-to-throw-me-around problem, another was a delinquent, a fourth was emotionally unstable and others had their own issues that I’ve all but repressed. But this one was different – he and I started as friends, developed romantic feelings towards each other and after an arduous road, we got together. The first half of our relationship was the happiest I’ve ever been; the second half was the most depressed.

He moved out about a year after he moved in, and I’ve spent the last 10 months or so wondering what the hell went wrong. How could something so great, turn into something so miserable, in a years time? It’s painful to clean out the old emails and text messages with the words of doom in them and it’s harder still to think of what used to be. But I was a different person then, and he is a different person now. Despite the issues of our relationship, he expressed interest in wanting to try to remain friends and in hindsight, I think I agreed to venture outside of my norm because it was HIM. Any one else and I would have told them to check their own oil and get the hell out of my face. But since it was HIM, I couldn’t say no. Despite the fact that I still cared for him deeply; despite the fact that I KNEW it was going to be excruciatingly difficult for me; despite the fact that I realized I was doing it more for him, than me.

On my way to work today, I was listening to the cd’s that have been in my dashboard since I bought my car, and came across an old favorite. It used to make me tear up out of sadness and remorse, but today, it made me feel….DIFFERENT. Like, instead of being the ‘you’ that the singer sings to, I was the singer, singing to you. I wasn’t crying over the proverbial spilled milk, instead, I was just letting it go…Letting go of the what-if’s and the why’s and the what could I have done differently, and instead, recognizing that sometimes, you just have to walk away.

So this afternoon, when my therapist asked me if I felt like I was in a better place emotionally, I told her that I felt like I was making progress. Not better, per say, but on my way there. The friendship door is still open, but I’m not going to be pushing any issues or following up with HIM, and I expect that if he truly wants to be my friend, he’ll treat me like one and not just want to chat in order to appease his own curiosity. I mean, he can read my blog to do THAT (and I know that you do….), but a real friend goes deeper than the superficial. A real friend would know more of what’s going on in my life than what I choose to broadcast to the masses, and a real friend want to be there for me when I needed them. Anything less just isn’t ‘friendship’, in my eyes.

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Nevermind Pandora, check out *MY* station

After my therapy session the other night, I was feeling really, seriously, incredibly introspective and it just so happened that my mp3 player, for the first time in it’s history, delivered an incredible list of tunes, perfectly in tune to my whacked out mood. I find that the songs themselves will speak greater than any words that I could put to type, so I’ll list them out for you, in order of play, and you can kind of judge for yourself.

Holy christ I’m glad that music exists in this world as I truly would not know where I would be without having it as an outlet. Please don’t read into this too much, just enjoy the music and let the mood overtake you.

Oh, and sorry for the stupid ad’s in front of each video – apparently, Youtube is cool like that now…

Taking Back Sunday – This Photograph is Proof (I know you)

Nirvana – About a Girl

Bobby D – Tangled Up in Blue

Staind – epiphany (don’t knock it til ya hear it, ya’ll)

Mary Prankster – Tempest (This gal is a local hero and not well known, but she’s awesome. Sorry for no real “video” but Mary never made any and apparently no one ever recorded it at a concert. Still, awesome song)

G Love – Free (Similar situation as Mary here, except G Love is from Philly…)

DMB – Dancing Nancies

Audioslave – I am the Highway (And yeah, I know he fucks up the lyrics, whatev. Don’t be judgmental, besides, the guitar solo makes up for it)

Aimee Mann – Wise Up

Nirvana – Jesus Don’t Want Me for a Sunbeam

Johnny Cash – Thirteen

Blind Melon – Toes Across the Floor

Ani DiFranco – Anyday

The Beatles – Rain

Enjoy!

 

The “I hate life” rant for today

There are days in this life where I feel like my actual being is in question. All that I do, all that I say, all that I AM seems to no longer be sufficient. All that I aspired to have out of life no longer seems an option and I have to re-think all the things that I “wanted.” Love, marriage, children…and all the rest of that happy horse shit isn’t a part of my overall dream anymore. Life has won – I’ve given up, at least for now.

Recently, I find myself coming to terms with the hugest waste of time that I have ever wasted time on – LOVE. I’ve tried, many times, I’ve failed, many, MANY more times – and now, well, it’s time to move on. When I dream of my future now, I don’t see myself with a husband and kids, I see myself as a single 40-something living in New Zealand, far, far away from all of the heartache and painful memories of my current life. I no longer want to have kids because I feel like I am too effed in the head to EVER be a good parent. Shit, I’m surprised my dogs haven’t had to go into counseling yet. Can you imagine the kind of warping I could bestow upon a mind with the consistency of playdoh? That, my friends, is the reason that I didn’t follow through with teaching – I didn’t want to be responsible for turning them into little neurotic me’s.

I’ve decided that LOVE is too painful for me to be able to handle anymore. All of the back and forth and all of the UNKNOWN…You love someone, they don’t love you. You love each other, but you fight all of the time. Love loses it’s fantastically special appeal when you can’t remember if you love THEM or if you just love the fact that you aren’t alone. Love leads you on with that tiny promise of “maybe” and that is enough to leave you waiting on the edge of your seat for indefinite amounts of time. Someone loves you, but not in the “same way” that you have professed to love them…It’s a despicably sorrowful entity and just not worth the fight for me anymore. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt, and 9 1/2 times out of 10 – it’s me. And quite frankly, I’m damn tired of it. My friends know of my plights, and bless them, they all say “It will happen. Your time will come. It’s all going to work out” ::Blah, blah, blah:: They tell me to have faith and that the universe really doesn’t hate me, but I beg to differ. I mean, seriously, between financial issues, friend issues, home issues, AND all of my HEAD issues…I think that the universe is stomping on my heart for FUN at this point! My patience only allows for so much, and I’m sorry, but I’ve reached the end of it and I just don’t have the energy to generate any more. So, this is the end of the line for me and LOVE. Love can go bother someone else, it can go break someone else’s heart and it can go suck out the precious emotional energy of another who is still victim to it’s luring Siren Song. But not me – my cement heart has finally set, and it’s impervious to Love’s advances.

~ Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

What I’ve kept with me
And what I’ve thrown away
And where the hell I’ve ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I’ve really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere

Here I stand, sad and free
I can’t cry, I can’t see
What I’ve done
God, what have I done

Don’t you know I’m numb, man?
I can’t feel a thing at all
Now it’s all smiles and business these days
I’m indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there’s a soul somewhere
That’s leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated … see?

Blind man at a canyon’s edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I’m a kite that’s flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger’s knee
I’m sure back home they think I’ve lost my mind

 

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Dear {Insert name here},

You sent me these lyrics once. Do you remember? The other night as I drove home, I was listening to this song. Well, singing, of course, really….but REGARDLESS, my point is that in the reflection of my car window, I actually saw the words. I know, I know, but I could still see them when I closed my eyes, I saw them when I blinked…and above them, in that usual, defaulted blue font were your words: I don’t think I ever really understood this song until now. Well, I don’t think I ever really understood what you meant…until now.

Ani DiFranco ~ Sorry I Am

I’m sorry I didn’t sound more excited on the phone
I’m sorry that after all these years
I’ve left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears
I guess I never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me
I guess I’ll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am

And I don’t know what it is about you
I just know it’s not what it was
I don’t know why red fades before blue it just does
and I don’t know what it is about me
that I just can’t keep still
I keep thinking someday I will make this all up to you
and maybe someday I will

I guess I never loved you quite as well
as the way you loved me
I guess I’ll never really be able to tell you how sorry
I am
sorry I am
sorry I am
sorry I am

 

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Can’t get it right today

The reason for the video is more about being able to actually hear the song it’s made to as opposed watching the video. Just kind of sums it all up…

I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh, I guess I’m gonna give up

It’s nearly been a year since he’s been gone
And we still sing his goodbye songs
Goodness knows she should move on
But she just can’t let him go
No, she just can’t let him go

I’m sorry if I made you want to cry
I’m sorry if I made you want to cry
You should know, I never meant to hide
I just hate bringing you down
Oh, I just hate bringing you down

I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh, I guess I’m gonna give up

And I dropped my paintbrush in the dirt
Still remember just how much that hurt
I cut my hand and wait for it to work
But I just couldn’t bring him back
No, I just couldn’t bring him back

I just can’t seem to get it right today
Oh, I just can’t seem to get it right today
I just can’t seem to get it right today
I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh, I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh Lord I said I guess I’m gonna give up
Oh Lord I said I guess I’m gonna give up

~ Joe Purdy

 

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Recompense for a missed post

Yargh….I’ve already missed a day of posting, but I’m not going to let it get me down. Instead, when I do this (and I know I will much, much more often than just this once) I’ll play catch-up, therefore I will have 2 posts in a single day! YAY!

I’m kinda still at a loss of what to really go into at the moment, especially since it’s Sunday morning and I just woke up…ha. So, I’ll quickly give you one of my self portraits in the hopes that looking at how retarded I actually am will instill some sympathy from you for not having anything to blog last eve. *smile* Although as I looked at this photo, it brought to mind an Ani DiFranco song, well specifically a verse – “And you will drive the car, and I’ll look out the window and makes jokes about the way things are.” Maybe I’ll post that for you, too.

Ani DiFranco with You had time

How can I go home
with nothing to say
I know you’re going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time

You are a china shop
and I am a bull
You are really good food
and I am full
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything’s been said
so I am coming home with an empty head

You’ll say did they love you or what
I’ll say they love what I do
the only one who really loves me is you
and you’ll say girl you kicked some butt
and I’ll say I don’t really remember
but my fingers are sore
and my voice is too

You’ll say it’s really good to see you
You’ll say I missed you horribly
you’ll say let me carry that
give that to me
And you will take the heavy stuff
and you will drive the car
and I’ll look out the window and make jokes
about the way things are

How can I go home
with nothing to say
I know you’re going to look at me that way
and say what did you do out there
and what did you decide
you said you needed time
and you had time

And me with Objects in the mirror DO appear closer than they really are…

 

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My favorite. photograph. ever.

This weekend I did some rearranging of “artwork” that I have in my home. Part of it was probably to signify a new outlook in my life, as I am feeling a bit stagnant lately and when I get stagnant, I need change. And aside from packing my shit and moving to California, or Mexico, or New Zealand, rearranging my environment is the best thing that I could come up with. I say my decorations are quote un quote artwork because none of it is of any huge monetary value, nothing is an original and nothing is worth insuring, yet, all pieces are a visualization of my beliefs and enjoyments in life. From Hands of Fatima photographs which were bought direct from the photographer to a mass produced poster from the 130th Preakness which I attended with my ex, every piece is a part of me. Many would be considered pieces of shit to anyone else, but they are mine, and that’s all that matters.

I moved the absolute favorite piece that I own into the primest real estate in my home – in my family room, directly above the sofa. It symbolizes so much to me – hope, peace, understanding – everything that John Lennon himself stood, and was killed, for. He was truly a man of inspiration and dreams.

Happily, just as I had hoped, my blue living room coddles the photo as if it gave it life, and seeing it so prominently displayed every day gives me life. Aside from the calming blue hue of my walls, I now have to opportunity to gaze at one of the greatest minds to have ever lived, whenever I want to. I can already feel my stress levels diminishing…

Don’t be surprised for my John Lennon kick to continue in future posts as my ring-tone is now “Happy Christmas (War is Over),” as it is every Christmas season, and that always makes me extra introspective. In the meantime, here are some of his words:

John Lennon’s Working Class Hero

As soon as your born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
Working Class Hero is something to be
Working Class Hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
Working Class Hero is something to be
Working Class Hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for 20 odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear
Working Class Hero is something to be
Working Class Hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religon, sex and T.V.
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasents as far as I can see
Working Class Hero is something to be
Working Class Hero is something to be

There’s room at the top I’m telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
Working Class Hero is something to be

Yes , A Working Class Hero is something to be
If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

 

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