There are days in this life where I feel like my actual being is in question. All that I do, all that I say, all that I AM seems to no longer be sufficient. All that I aspired to have out of life no longer seems an option and I have to re-think all the things that I “wanted.” Love, marriage, children…and all the rest of that happy horse shit isn’t a part of my overall dream anymore. Life has won – I’ve given up, at least for now.
Recently, I find myself coming to terms with the hugest waste of time that I have ever wasted time on – LOVE. I’ve tried, many times, I’ve failed, many, MANY more times – and now, well, it’s time to move on. When I dream of my future now, I don’t see myself with a husband and kids, I see myself as a single 40-something living in New Zealand, far, far away from all of the heartache and painful memories of my current life. I no longer want to have kids because I feel like I am too effed in the head to EVER be a good parent. Shit, I’m surprised my dogs haven’t had to go into counseling yet. Can you imagine the kind of warping I could bestow upon a mind with the consistency of playdoh? That, my friends, is the reason that I didn’t follow through with teaching – I didn’t want to be responsible for turning them into little neurotic me’s.
I’ve decided that LOVE is too painful for me to be able to handle anymore. All of the back and forth and all of the UNKNOWN…You love someone, they don’t love you. You love each other, but you fight all of the time. Love loses it’s fantastically special appeal when you can’t remember if you love THEM or if you just love the fact that you aren’t alone. Love leads you on with that tiny promise of “maybe” and that is enough to leave you waiting on the edge of your seat for indefinite amounts of time. Someone loves you, but not in the “same way” that you have professed to love them…It’s a despicably sorrowful entity and just not worth the fight for me anymore. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt, and 9 1/2 times out of 10 – it’s me. And quite frankly, I’m damn tired of it. My friends know of my plights, and bless them, they all say “It will happen. Your time will come. It’s all going to work out” ::Blah, blah, blah:: They tell me to have faith and that the universe really doesn’t hate me, but I beg to differ. I mean, seriously, between financial issues, friend issues, home issues, AND all of my HEAD issues…I think that the universe is stomping on my heart for FUN at this point! My patience only allows for so much, and I’m sorry, but I’ve reached the end of it and I just don’t have the energy to generate any more. So, this is the end of the line for me and LOVE. Love can go bother someone else, it can go break someone else’s heart and it can go suck out the precious emotional energy of another who is still victim to it’s luring Siren Song. But not me – my cement heart has finally set, and it’s impervious to Love’s advances.
~ Evaporated by Ben Folds Five
What I’ve kept with me
And what I’ve thrown away
And where the hell I’ve ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I’ve really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud
Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere
Here I stand, sad and free
I can’t cry, I can’t see
What I’ve done
God, what have I done
Don’t you know I’m numb, man?
I can’t feel a thing at all
Now it’s all smiles and business these days
I’m indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there’s a soul somewhere
That’s leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down
I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated … see?
Blind man at a canyon’s edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I’m a kite that’s flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger’s knee
I’m sure back home they think I’ve lost my mind