Category Archives: The shrinking of my ass

Consistency, consistency, consistency…

That word ::shudder::  has become the bane of my existence. At work, one of the major reasons I’m not being offered a promotion is due to a lack of consistency. We have productivity requirements to meet and of course we’re supposed to strive to exceed the base, and my numbers the last few months have been less than exceptional. Hell, some months have been less than ideal. So when I speak to my manager about my knowledge, and how I meet all other requirements for the next level up, she continues to point out my lack of consistency as the main reason why I am still not yet considered for “Senior” status.

Take my blog here as a second brilliant example of my issues with consistency. Time and time again, I log in here, write down some bs about what’s going on in my lessthaneventfilled life, and vow once more to begin posting something with some sort of CONSISTENCY. Then a month goes by, I’ve not posted two words, and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Interestingly enough, the one place in my life where I’ve had some SORT of consistency would be my relationships. I always find myself with men who are not a good match for me, for one reason or another. They never want or are able to make me a priority; they tend to be emotionally unable to connect with me, which literally kills me as I am very emotionally needy; or they ended up using me as companionship so that they didn’t have to be alone. Do I like, value myself so little that I throw myself immediately towards any man who shows me care and affection, regardless as to whether or not he’d ever be able to meet MY needs, and simply because I tend to misplace my sense of self in the need to care and/or FIX people, or something?

HOLY SHIT. I think I just channeled my therapist for a second, but DAMN that makes some sense!

It’s hard sometimes to see the things that you do and how they affect the way that people treat you and what you accept as appropriate behavior. I’ve been working the last couple of months at really paying attention to what I want instead of what everyone else wants. I’m trying to do the things that make ME happy and doing those sorts of things often. I’ve been honest and straight forward – no games, no innuendos and absolutely no longer allowing interest from a guy alone be enough to make me consider him as a potential partner. I told a guy today that I just didn’t think anything was going to happen for me, and I felt kind of bad about it before and after I told him, but shortly afterwards,  I started to feel better. I started feeling better because I was being true to myself, and not allowing anyone else to influence my decisions or what I do. Sure, it might have meant a free meal and a couple of laughs, but if I already know that I just don’t feel anything romantic towards him at all, is it really FAIR of me to lead him on just long enough to meet? My decision is that it’s  not. I’d rather not waste the gas.

Yes, I’ve decided that my efforts these days will be directed towards myself, and no one else. I’m going to do what I want to do and I’m not going to care about other people’s opinions. It looks like I’ve had my priorities misplaced and I need to have myself together before I can expect any man to want to be with me for anything long term. I’m still going to continue dating, I think, whenever someone comes along that I feel the want to talk to in person, but otherwise, I’m going to live my life. I’m going to start going to a yoga class this week and I’m going to get exercising and taking care of ME. That means quitting smoking, again, but I need to for my overall health’s sake. I’m going to finish the pack I have, and do my best to avoid buying another one. I have gas in my car, food and red bull in my fridge, so I should be able to avoid the Hill for at least a few days as way of supporting my attempt of quitting, especially now that every one who works there knows my brand. Oy. It’s time to start being consistent about my health and my life and my job – the things that define ME, instead of spending all of my energy on others so that they can feel better about themselves, leaving me drained and fending for myself. My expectation and hope is that once I’m more balanced in that way, the rest of these things that I want and continue not being able to find, should fall into place. Hopefully, redirecting my energy towards bettering myself will extend outwards to others I meet, attracting the appropriate kind of men, and allowing me to make logical, intelligent, selfish decisions on who deserves my time. Go. Me.


My red face is code for I’m going to pass out

Much to my own surprise, I joined a gym last weekend. They were running a special where I could attend a free class, and their membership rates were reduced and frankly, I need to exercise. I was recruited by the gal who does my hair, who also teaches Step Class at said gym and her Step Class was my inaugural Group Class experience. Let me just tell you this – anyone who has ever scoffed at a Step Class, repent NOW. You should have their tongue pulled out,  or you should at least go take a Step Class and let the muscle fatigue and sweat be its own proof. You seriously don’t know leg exhaustion until you’ve stepped like, 10,000 steps in an hours time – it could have been more as I stopped counting as soon as I required all of my concentration just to remember to breathe and stay conscious. My legs felt like lead, I stifled down my gag reflex and I swore that my head was going to explode more than once, but I made it through and *GASP* actually enjoyed it.

Flash forward to last night. The second gym class I’ve ever taken in my life was a Kick Class – it’s essentially Tae Bo (for those who remember Mr. Billy Blanks) with a lot of smack talk and cardio thrown in.  My new friend was kind enough to come out and take the class with me, and as we were planning it earlier, she told me that the instructor was ‘awesome’. Silly me, I was thinking she’s a cool gal, fun and the class will be a blast to take! I wasn’t entirely wrong, however, and came to find out that ‘awesome’ must be secret gym instructor code for ‘it’s going to take everything you’ve got not to fall out and frickin DIE during the class’. I roundhouse kicked, upper cut, jabbed and elbowed my imaginary opponent into submission for an hour and my stomach muscles are already protesting, but it was a beautiful feeling that I am very much looking forward to replicating time and time again. My ass may finally be on its way to shrinking, and maybe it’s those reputed endorphins, or maybe it’s because I’m proud of myself for surviving, but I couldn’t be happier. Finally.


Lazy persons exercise

I love getting packages in the mail and I don’t care where they came from, nor do I get any less enjoyment out of them if I purchased the item myself. I’ve mastered the art of tracking packages and I start checking the tracking websites out daily from the moment the information becomes available and sometimes, I check it more than just once per day, ok, maybe more like 10 times per day, but only on the scheduled date of delivery. And the day before, just in case it makes it there early. There is something deeply gratifying to come home to a nice big, box of something fun and today, that need was satisfied by the Reebok Easy Tone that finally made their way from South Carolina to my front porch. The only thing that could have made the moment sweeter would have been if I were actually home at the time of delivery so that I could have enjoyed the most instantaneous of instant gratifications and didn’t have the sweaty palms of anticipation since 11:42 am, when the tracking site indicated that my package had been delivered. But alas, I couldn’t justify calling out sick today just to wait out the delivery guy.

I’m hoping that they make some sort of difference in my ass and legs tone, as they promise to do, although I am aware that my ass and legs are in much greater need than the probably convoluted 28% improvement which the shoes promise. The good news is that I can wear them while working out, and one of their other claims to fame is their ability to decrease foot fatigue and pain – which I am definitely ALL about, being as flat-footed as a board as I am.

In an attempt to chronicle my life in writing (i.e. get back into blogging routinely), and as a means to hopefully motivate myself to keep moving forward with exercise and weight loss, I’m going to try to blog at least several times a week specifically around what movement I’ve been able to coax out of this blob of a body, and what I feel the Reebok Easy Tone shoes (registered trademark) may have contributed. There will be no random percentages pulled out of my ass as a means to entice you into purchasing said registered trademark shoe for yourself, but rather, I anticipate this to be an experiment in humility, humor and hopefully, some damn good writing.


I’m feeling a bit, under the haiku

Spring is upon us!

The feeling of happiness –

And toning asses.


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Sunshine does a mind good

OH! What a sight I must be:

Purple tye-dye shirt, dyed purple/red hair pulled back in a pony tail, jeans, sneakers, a Zune and a dog off of each arm, just trotting along. Through the windshields of each passing vehicle, through the sun glare and the visor-shielded faces, I could always make out a Cheshire Cat-like grin. I can imagine their thoughts as Bless that poor, INSANE girl! or What was she THINKING?! or maybe How does she have any HAIR left?! Whatever the thought may ACTUALLY be, it still IS nice to bring a smile to someones face. Even if it is at the expense of my anonymity. People NOTICE you when you’re walking up the street and have a Cairn Terrier (although mine doesn’t really look like THESE…) on the right and a Jack Russell Terrier on the left.

Yet, despite the embarrassment, despite the fact that my knees were aching as I walked up the never-ending hill, despite the fact that although they only weigh 18 pounds and 14 pounds, when they take off in opposing directions, they might as well be competitors at a tractor pull AND despite the fact that I walked passed a man who reminded me STRANGELY of my ex-ex-EX (ASSHOLE, to those who know) whom I have had horrible suspicions may be living in this area for a WHILE now….I’m probably going to walk tomorrow, too. Mostly because it makes the Terrier brothers quiet for the evening, which in turn, is worth it’s weight in the gold of my sore joints and apparitions of ex-boyfriends. In fact, I’m probably going to walk every day that I can, or at least every day that I motivate my fat ass get up OUT of my chair. Which hopefully, will be often. Or at least, more often then current, which is just a dickhair shy of never. But, with the tangible affirmation that a pair of pants, I had YET been able to squeeze into, UNTIL TODAY, now fit me, I am most likely going to continue doing what-so-ever-I-may to stay the course that is the SHRINKING OF MY ASS, and that shall be advantageous to all. It was a joyous day, indeed.


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