Category Archives: God save the Queen!

Lesson #4,624 or Why therapy is a good thing

I had yet another interesting session with my therapist this week. Perhaps it was due to my emotional state as of late, or the phase of the moon, or the status of my menstrual cycle, but she seemed…….short with me. As if she felt I was lacking forward momentum; hung up in some sort of way. And I am, but I just can’t get past it enough to literally GET past it. I try, then I figure I’ll fail, then I quit. Quitting is always easier than failing, I figure. But I feel like my struggle to change is starting to frustrate her, which¬† makes me feel kinda shitty. I mean, it;s gotta take a special talent to frustrate a therapist, ya know?

I have this one constant complaint and it’s a real roadblock in my emotional development. My therapist is fond of using a metaphor regarding how I view myself through a distorted filter. I see others differently than I see myself, and I often pound on myself like a bully. So she’s started this new thing with me that begins with “If one of your friends was dealing with {whatever issue of the moment}, what would YOU tell THEM?” And I gotta admit, it helps!

This weeks session focused heavily on my biggest issue and she pretty much told me that it was time to shit, or get the hell off the pot. Obviously, she put it much more eloquently, and in some sort of psychotherapy terminology, so it sounded less harsh, but the fact remains – she’s right. I USE this against myself, and stop myself from having to make the changes that I need to make to be HAPPY. Why would a person deny themselves happiness? Why would they purposefully put everyone else ahead of themselves? Why would I want to set myself up for failure? BECAUSE I’M CRAZY. I mean seriously, how long have you known me?

Truthfully though, I realize that she’s absolutely right. It’s hard to be 30 years old and feel like a child being scolded, and I’m sure she never meant for it to come across that way, but it shocked me enough to start making some choices and getting some shit done. I’m hopeful that the momentum lasts, and so far, each time I’ve started to have my doubts, some thing has been happening to bring them back up; but I’m not counting any chickens, yet. Just a few eggs.


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Step on a crack

Anyone who is a horse racing fan knows that yesterday was the running of the 133rd Preakness Stakes at Pimlico Race Course in Baltimore, MD. The Preakness is the second leg of the most illustrious of Stakes races – The Triple Crown.

It is, in fact, such an arduous task to win all 3 legs of the Triple Crown that there has not been a winner since the fantastically much-the-best Affirmed in 1978. That was 3o years ago! With all of the care of veterinary medicine, money, mapped out breeding lines and tricks that trainers pull out of their hats, there has not been ONE horse who has been good enough to withstand the grueling task of The Kentucky Derby, followed 2 weeks later by the Preakness Stakes, followed finally 3 weeks later by the Belmont Stakes in my entire lifetime. In fact, since the inception of the Triple Crown, there have been only 11 winners overall. And Saturday was the 133rd running.

It is with all of this in mind that you must understand that horsemen everywhere are foaming at the bit at the possibility of seeing the next Triple Crown Winner in the Derby and Preakness winner and pre-race favorite – Big Brown. He was much the best in the Derby taking the wire by an easy 4 and 3/4 lengths and winning the Preakness by over 5 lengths has already brought whispers of Triple Crown winners to the lips of all who know what it is. The horse demonstrated his unbelievable turn of foot right around the 3/8ths pole where Kent Desormeaux just gave him his head and he opened up about 5 lengths on the rest of the field. He didn’t even get stuck.

However, I’m almost certain that Rick Dutrow nor any of Big Browns many owners are daring to whisper such things, even in the sanctity of their homes, tucked away in darkened closets, as horseman are some of the most superstitious folk you will ever meet. I could almost bet that Dutrow isn’t going to deviate from his normal pre-race workouts and exercising for Big Brown, even though he’s essentially preparing this horse for the literal race of his lifetime. He’ll eat the same grain, will get the same amount of hay, will follow the same routines and will get the same pamperings that he always has. I can almost guarantee that Big Brown’s groom is gonna rub that horse until his coat shines, and I bet that he’s gonna get to run the barn for a few days, too. Peppermints will be flying off the shelves and laughter will fill the shed rows off of such spectacular victory. To an outsider, it will appear “Business as usual” but everyone knows you don’t attempt to fix things that ain’t broke.

Unfortunately, so much of the superstitiousness is about keeping yourself in check with reality. Too often we have seen tragedy overtake the most resilient at the least suspecting times. There have been many to make it through the first 2 legs of the Triple Crown, only to be denied the Belmont. We’ve seen Charistmatic snap his leg in 2 places at the end of 131st Belmont Stakes. I watched War Emblem eat track as he stumbled out of the gate in NY in 2002, thus putting him out of the running before he even started. We learned that Funny Cide just wasn’t much the best that day in 2003 and we watched in horror as fellow horsemen were accused of denying the Belmont win and subsequently, a Triple Crown Win, to Smarty Jones in 2004, a horse who had won every race he had ever run in, until that day. Not to mention the many horses whose lives have been lost due to broken ankles and broken legs.From Barbaro to Eight Belles, horseracing is a here today, gone tomorrow kind of business, and no one EVER forgets that. You just can’t afford to.

In honor of this potential once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and in honor of racing itself, I am hosting a Belmont Stakes party which will be 3 weeks from yesterday at 4pm. Giving us time for festivities, drinking and chow, then race watching, then more drinking, more chow and lots of good times. Grilling, beer drinking, reveling at my newly fenced in backyard and s’mores making are a few of the things that await you. I’m hoping for a Triple Crown win to add to the joyousness of the day, but I’m not counting my chickens before they hatch, and I can only hope that Big Brown is much the best on that Saturday afternoon in early June. I do know that it’ll be a good time none-the-less. So, for those of you who actually read my blog, consider this your invite. Maybe I’ll send out an email, too.


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If it ain’t one thing, it’s another

When I have a particular man er, MALE that I had dated, sending me random, strange, cryptic text messages regarding my love-ability vs. my craziness, is it really ANY doubt why I am in therapy?!

I was cursed DO’H! blessed with a ridiculously text book case of Cancerian astrological qualities. Anything you’ve ever heard or read about Cancers = ME. I’ve shared before that I am a religious zealot when it comes to reading my horoscope. I’m like, the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints, if they believed in horoscopes and not Jesus. Ok, so I’m less like The CJCLDS and maybe more like a Pagan or something, but the fact remains that it’s not what or who you have faith in, it’s just that you have faith. So, with that in mind, may I share with you, my Gospel of the day – my horribly fantastic horoscope:

The boundaries between friendship and romance could be blurred today as Neptune dissolves your 8th House of Intimacy. You are eager to be in a fun-filled social setting now, placing you in close proximity with people you like. Tread carefully, for your emotional needs can lure you into tricky waters.

Had I only READ my horoscope beforehand, I probably never would have responded to that damn text which in turn has given me enough to chew on for the next two days that I’ll barely have to eat.


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Does fluff digest?

I am sad to report that instead of each of my dogs having a nice, new, fluffy, fleecy bed to lay in – they now have to share.

Russel is kenneled while I am at work. He’s still just a baby (10 months) and he IS a Jack Russell Terrior, and he just gets into to much shit when I leave him loose! If he were a human baby, he’d be one of the ones who licks their finger and sticks it in the electrical socket – JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN. Yeah, he’s that bad.

When I got home today, the blanket and bed that I left in the kitchen for Karn were pulled through Russel’s kennel bars and the bed was torn open in such a way that it mimicked autopsy footage. The bed was ripped open in the middle, and the fluffy, fleecy guts were strewn about the floor of his kennel. And then on top of it all, if that weren’t ENOUGH of an insult to the Taiwanese makers of the plaid doggie bed, he then PEED on some of the fluff as well.

Thankfully, my furniture proves to be a sufficient substitution for them to lay on since they would have no choice but to Rock, Paper, Scissors for the remaining waste of money doggie bed, and without fingers, there can be no scissors…


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Am I “ok”?

This seems to be the question of the hour. If only there was a t.v. game show based off of 2o Questions, and I was the one being ASKED the questions. I’d soooooo totally win that game. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Fact of the matter is that, despite my tendencies to paint a melodramatic painting, I am no immediate danger to my own personal well-being, as I know that if I check out now, I am destined to relive it, only ten-fold, all over again. And by NO means am I such a glutton for punishment as to willingly walk into THAT fate. Welcome to the daily affirmation as to why I continue to just wait it out.

It was like, I suddenly woke up one day and realized that I was an ADULT. I still drive the same Honda Civic that I bought back in 1998, I still sleep in a t-shirt which once belonged to my first boyfriend and I still think that I can float by doing the same ol’ shit and then I wonder why I’m where I am. It’s a rude awakening when you realize that you are no longer a kid with her entire life ahead of her and suddenly, you are in the midst of the “what I do with my life today totally effects what I do with my life tomorrow” phase and CHRIIIIIST am behind on the To-Do list! It was like, the fact that I have a house already and a job and my pets and all the things that I DO have meant NOTHING, and I was watching my life fall farther and farther back from where I needed to be right now. Needless to say, examining the some-what ridiculously sad status of one’s life IS rather mind-boggling, so I had a mini panic attack for about, oh, say, 2 or 3 weeks straight, and now have come out on the other end with sarcasm so thick that you could buttah yah toast wit it. Ugh, I’m beginning to shphitz, just talking about this and all…

So, I don’t know, you tell me. Am I “ok”? If “ok” is when even though there are days when I’d seriously give my kingdom for a gun, I realize that there are many, many other people out there who have it worse off then me, if it is how some days its takes all of the strength that I possess to not run into our local Wegman’s and just punch the hell out of some person, if it means that although there are more mornings than not lately that I STRUGGLE to get out of bed, but I STILL know that this all eventually too, shall pass; then yeah, that’s me. Just call me “ok.”


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The “I hate life” rant for today

There are days in this life where I feel like my actual being is in question. All that I do, all that I say, all that I AM seems to no longer be sufficient. All that I aspired to have out of life no longer seems an option and I have to re-think all the things that I “wanted.” Love, marriage, children…and all the rest of that happy horse shit isn’t a part of my overall dream anymore. Life has won – I’ve given up, at least for now.

Recently, I find myself coming to terms with the hugest waste of time that I have ever wasted time on – LOVE. I’ve tried, many times, I’ve failed, many, MANY more times – and now, well, it’s time to move on. When I dream of my future now, I don’t see myself with a husband and kids, I see myself as a single 40-something living in New Zealand, far, far away from all of the heartache and painful memories of my current life. I no longer want to have kids because I feel like I am too effed in the head to EVER be a good parent. Shit, I’m surprised my dogs haven’t had to go into counseling yet. Can you imagine the kind of warping I could bestow upon a mind with the consistency of playdoh? That, my friends, is the reason that I didn’t follow through with teaching – I didn’t want to be responsible for turning them into little neurotic me’s.

I’ve decided that LOVE is too painful for me to be able to handle anymore. All of the back and forth and all of the UNKNOWN…You love someone, they don’t love you. You love each other, but you fight all of the time. Love loses it’s fantastically special appeal when you can’t remember if you love THEM or if you just love the fact that you aren’t alone. Love leads you on with that tiny promise of “maybe” and that is enough to leave you waiting on the edge of your seat for indefinite amounts of time. Someone loves you, but not in the “same way” that you have professed to love them…It’s a despicably sorrowful entity and just not worth the fight for me anymore. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt, and 9 1/2 times out of 10 – it’s me. And quite frankly, I’m damn tired of it. My friends know of my plights, and bless them, they all say “It will happen. Your time will come. It’s all going to work out” ::Blah, blah, blah:: They tell me to have faith and that the universe really doesn’t hate me, but I beg to differ. I mean, seriously, between financial issues, friend issues, home issues, AND all of my HEAD issues…I think that the universe is stomping on my heart for FUN at this point! My patience only allows for so much, and I’m sorry, but I’ve reached the end of it and I just don’t have the energy to generate any more. So, this is the end of the line for me and LOVE. Love can go bother someone else, it can go break someone else’s heart and it can go suck out the precious emotional energy of another who is still victim to it’s luring Siren Song. But not me – my cement heart has finally set, and it’s impervious to Love’s advances.

~ Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

What I’ve kept with me
And what I’ve thrown away
And where the hell I’ve ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I’ve really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere

Here I stand, sad and free
I can’t cry, I can’t see
What I’ve done
God, what have I done

Don’t you know I’m numb, man?
I can’t feel a thing at all
Now it’s all smiles and business these days
I’m indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there’s a soul somewhere
That’s leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated … see?

Blind man at a canyon’s edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I’m a kite that’s flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger’s knee
I’m sure back home they think I’ve lost my mind


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Today I learned…

~that just when you think you’ve got a handle on life, it throws you a curveball that is impossible to hit, even if your batting average is .400

~no matter how much you think “enough” is, it never really is. It just keeps hitting the fan

~being alone is worse then alot of people think. And it doesn’t really get better, you just kinda realize that it is what it is

~a woman, who in a former life I was close to, was found dead, alone, in her apartment days after she passed

~my ex, whom in certain ways I still love, is going to have a baby in about 7 months

~moving on is harder than it seems…

~I need to go back into counseling


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