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Category Archives: Coffee Shop Confusion

Why I hate internet dating

As I once again take my lunch at the local coffee shop, sipping once again, Terrorist Funded Coffee, it brings to mind one of the reasons that I am totally hating on being single, and yet feel that I have no recourse over my current situation. Believe me, I have not been sitting around waiting for some dude to come riding up to me on a white horse, offering to take away all of my loneliness in exchange for leaving all that I know behind and running away with him. Although that may be the next option on my list.

Just as a little peep hole into my head, I feel that I need to share this. There are 2 kinds of people in this world that I cannot deal with: Hypocrites – those who say one thing and then do the EXACT opposite, and those who bitch about their problems, but do nothing to solve them. I once worked with a diabetic who was constantly complaining about his blood sugar and how he might have to go on insulin sometime soon and how he just didn’t understand WHY his blood sugar was still SO uncontrolled. “Well,” I said, “it might have something to do with the fact that all you do is drink Dr. Pepper at work all day in between runs to the vending machine for Doritos and Frito’s. Come on! Are you fucking kidding me?!” Needless to say, our friendship never amounted to much, but I digress. It dawned on me this morning that there is a possibility that there are others out there with a similar mindset as myself when it comes to people bitching about their problems, and I just wanted to go on record by saying that I am NOT one of those people. If I were, rest assured, I would have shot myself long ago.

Although I moan and complain incessently about being single, I have attempted, multiple times, to NOT be single anymore. I have gone on blind dates, I have vainly pursued those who I was attracted to, I have had people try to set me up with a single friend of theirs, I have met guys at bars, I have met people via the dreaded myspace and other super awful web based means. I’d have to say that my distaste for internet dating comes from the fact that I have tried, and struck out horribly, on each and every internet dating site that there is known to me. eHarmony (dot) com, Match (dot) com, Chemistry (dot) com…All of which I attempted for a minimum of 3 months and all of which have given me no form of hope in that period of time to warrent extending my membership. I should have known that it would all end in disaster as one of my initial reactions was finding the cost of finding someone to date online to be rather pricey. Anywhere from $35 to $50 a MONTH just to meet other people who are shelled up in their homes on their computers at all hours of the night? Shit, I could go get piss-ass drunk with that kinda money and just take some random guy home with me and hope it all works out to be more than a drunken one night stand. But alas, I am a romantic at heart and one night stands and I do NOT get along. I’m too much of a girl and I get too involved emotionally as soon as the sex card comes into play. So I instead attempted to find my lost soul mate via the computer, with disastrous results. My most recent, and most horrifying, internet dating story comes from a guy I met on Match (dot) com. He was cute, a musician, had similar interests, was funny, laughed at MY jokes, didn’t hold anything against me when I told him about my menagerie of pets and he thought I was cute. All the makings for a fantastic time, despite the fact that he had this weird aversion about being called “Mikey.” So, as is the normal quid pro quo of meeting people online, we talked via email for about a week or so and then decided to meet. We exchanged phone numbers and I called him on a Saturday evening to try to organize something, spur of the moment. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out as planned since he was going to a different bar with some friends than I was going to with some of my friends…so we vowed to set an actual “date” up and talk to each other on the day of in order to better plan a time to meet.

Skip to the following Tuesday: I called Mike, his name really WAS/IS Mike but the chances of him ever reading this are those of an ice cube’s in hell, so I’m not afraid to use his real name. So, I called Mike shortly after I got home that evening, as was the plan. He didn’t answer the phone, so me, being slightly optimistic at that point (I know, a rarity) decided that maybe he just didn’t put my number into his phone and therefore just didn’t realize that it was the wondrous and awesome ME that was calling him. I left a message to the effect of “If you’re still interested in getting together tonight, give me a ring back at *insert phone number here*. I’m home. Talk soon. Unrequited.” To waste some time until I heard from him, I thought to check my numerous internet accounts – whether it be one of my multiple email accounts, myspace, facebook, any of the dating sites that I was a member of at any given time didn’t matter. Then, in the midst of checking these things, I found an email that Mike had sent me just about 15 minutes before I called him. Silly me, I thought he was maybe just trying to reschedule or get in touch with me while he knew I was still at work…something more positive than what it actually was.

The email read:

Hi Unrequited,

I’m so sorry that I have to break our date. I was really looking forward to it, but I’ve just gotten back with my ex gf. I’m so sorry. Take care.

Mike

Seriously, all I could do was laugh. My romantic life is such a septic system I would have been MORE surprised had the guy actually followed through and met me for coffee. I think the best part of it all was that he was sorry that he had to “break our date”… I give that rebounded relationship 6 months. Best of luck, Mikey.

I’ve gotta run unfortunately, as I could continue on this tirade for months to come, but I have a date with a street corner and a sign which I made that says: “Will make dinner for a date!” I always heard that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, maybe I’ll stir up a winner.

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Head Case – RIGHT HERE!

It’s been a harsh reality to accept, but I am SUCH a girl. It has nothing to do with my physical traits, or my Double X chromosomes or the fact that I have the dubious honor of having a uterus; no, it has to do with the fact that I am incapable of taking things at face value. I know that women are always trying to get away from the fact that we are a difficult species to identify with – we always say it’s the man’s fault and that we really aren’t that hard to interpret. Being a woman, I beg to differ. I cannot say that most women are the same as I, but I am definitely a hard one to figure out. Shit, I struggle with it myself. Case in point: I always find myself over analyzing a conversation, or replaying it in my head thinking “Damn, I should have said this instead of that.” I’m a master of insinuation. I can take a seemingly pointless conversation and somehow turn it into someone professing their love for me. I can take anything and spin it around 180 degrees with barely a flick of my wrist, and then I wonder why I feel like I am on a different page than most people.

Lately, I find myself rehashing a current situation over, and over again in my head to the point where I barely know which way is up. I feel like an ass continuing to ask for clarification, but then at the same time, I feel that I am really in need of some. Nothing has changed, persay, but somewhere along the lines, I have taken a communication and butchered it beyond recognition; and in that, I have made myself concerned. I do this often – it’s as if I cannot think in any other way than through cynicism. My horoscope today read:

Why is it that when you’re on the verge of getting what you want, you get wishy-washy and begin backtracking? It’s fear of fulfillment. Move past it, because you deserve to enjoy the good things in life.

HA! I say, HA! How dare anyone accuse me of being wishy-washy or of backtracking?!?! I don’t DO that, do I? Well, ok, maybe I can identify with that, but just a little. Ok, piss off, A LOT then, are you happy now?!? Some days I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life, maybe it’s more about having a LACK of good things, but I definitely worry about what it would actually be like to be fulfilled in life. I can’t say that I have ever BEEN in such a situation, so how then, could I be in fear of it? They say that it is the fear of the unknown which most concerns us…well, that is a fear greater to me than death. If I don’t let anyone in, I can’t get hurt. If I am not fulfilled, I’ll never know what I am missing in life. If I am alone, I can bitch about it until my hearts content without really having to put myself out there and risk it all. See? It makes sense in my fucked up head.

I wonder about myself sometimes. I wonder if I should go back into counseling. I wonder if I really am the person that I THINK I am. I wonder if I talk to much. I wonder if I’m too weird – what, with my uncanny ability to spew forth trivia and song lyrics for days on end with nary breaking a sweat. I wonder if there really is someone out there who will accept me at face value and not make me CHANGE, because change is definitely something to fear. I wonder if I’ll ever understand life and what it’s meant to be about. I know that there is a lot to be said for being independent and self-sufficient, but there is definitely a lot about life that I can’t do on my own. I can collect pets until I turn into the Crazy Pet Lady of the neighborhood, but I sincerely don’t believe that will help my sanity. So I’m feeling like I need to revert back to my “Moving the hell away from everyone that I know” plan…although that would constitute “backtracking” wouldn’t it? Damn it, I really hate when those things are right.

 

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Man, do I LOVE WiFi

Whoever came up with WiFi access was a fucking genius! I’m currently on my lunch break, sipping a delicious Terrorist Sponsored Ho Ho Mint Mocha from Caribou Coffee and it is absolutely fantastic, people. The only other thing that could make this moment of my life any better would be if I were allowed to smoke inside. Damn all you clean-air breathing non-smokers…

 As I had mentioned the other day, I’ve been smack in the middle of a monumental writers block. Seems that I do some of my best blogging whilst depressed, and for the most part, I have been no type of depressed over the last week or so. Ok, so that’s a little bit of a lie…I HAVE been depressed, and until yesterday, I really wasn’t certain as to WHY. After a good ol’ fashioned cry – come on girls, you know what I’m talking about. Those times where you just feel like the only thing in the world that would make you feel better would be to curl up on the couch with a big box of tissues while watching THAT movie that always makes you cry, or while listening to THAT song that allows you to self deprecate for those precious few minutes and then you cry like it rains in a rainforest and suddenly, you feel better – I finally realized that a lot of that has to do with the fact that the Holidays are once again upon me, like a ton of bricks.

Holidays (specifically Christmas, as I am a Catholic, although not by practice, and New Years) seem to make me sad. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that since my ex and I broke up (almost 2 years ago, now, CHRIST!) I’ve been alone for every major holiday that it would be nice to have a significant other around for. Actually, every major holiday that exists I celebrate single: Valentines Day, Labor Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Christmas, President’s Day, New Years, and whatever other holiday you could think of. Going from spending every waking moment with my ex to THIS has bit a bit of an adjustment to say the least, and I still don’t believe that I am totally adjusted. It’s definitely something that takes getting used to, and I really am growing to hate being single, but it’s also been a learning process for me that I just cannot deny. I’ve learned that I don’t want to have that type of relationship anymore. I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that when he falls, I fall. I don’t want to be someone’s mother, I don’t want to be spending all of my energy on keeping track of someone because I don’t trust them. Hell, I don’t want to be held responsible for someone else’s actions!

So my epiphany last night was that I need to remember that life is about so much more than wasting your time and energy on something or someone that doesn’t benefit you in the least and that no matter how hard you try, sometimes, that’s just how things are. It’s about being happy with yourself before you’ll ever be able to make someone else happy. It’s about believing in whatever ideas you want to believe in, and then practicing them, because all that really matters is that you are true to yourself. It’s about wanting to be with someone not because you can HELP them, but because you LOVE them. Hell, it’s about coming to a coffee shop on your lunch break to write a blog about your depression and your life and not feeling ashamed of it. Cause I can promise you one thing if nothing else: I am not ashamed of my life one iota. It’s been far from perfect, and it still has a long way to go as far as I am concerned, but I wouldn’t change one thing that’s happened to me for absolute power and wealth. Why? Not because absolute power wouldn’t be, like, IDEAL as far as my control-freak ass goes, but because then I wouldn’t be WHO I currently am. And that is a person who spontaneously bursts out into song, who occassionally skips when she walks, who is slightly OCD about even numbers,  who routinely bumps into inanimate objects, someone who bites their fingernails off when nervous and who knows more trivia than is probably healthy for one person to know; but I am certain that despite my neuroses, someone, somewhere will want to love, cherish and just be with my crazy ass. And if that means that I will have to wait a little bit longer to find that love, then I’m ok with that. I can make it through the holidays again this year, even if it kills me.

 

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