RSS

Tag Archives: shit I say

Meh, guilt post.

Wow, it’s been a while…I suck at this ‘routine’ posting shit. Probably why my dream of being paid to write will never come to fruition, but I digress. I think I’m here today because I feel guilty. I’ve invested so much time, energy and tears into this damn blog, I feel neglectful after a while without posting. Why? I mean, it is an inanimate object, not needing food or water, but somehow I feel as if I’ve let this poor little blog down by not posting for so long. Hmm, I really dunno. Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic, and Catholics feel guilty over just about anything. Maybe it’s because it affords me the opportunity to do something that I LOVE to do – write – but because I don’t think I’m any good at it, it simply reminds me that I try too hard. Maybe I just like to share my story in an act of self-inflicted therapy or maybe I hope that it shows a side of depression that a lot of people don’t know about, but should… Eh. It’s probably just the Catholic guilt.

There used to be a time where I would turn to this site to get the shit that was filling up my head, out. Discuss the pain and grief I was feeling without being judged or told “You should just be able to deal with it.” Finding some release in writing it down, chronicling it in a way, in the hope that one day I could look back and think “It really was that bad.” I know that sounds morbid, but as anyone who has suffered with depression knows, there is a relief found by being able to say those words. First, it disproves our memory and gives you some perspective over what you remember versus what actually was. My personal memory turned a lot of scenarios into me being the victim but the things I chose to write about on here never changed their story. It proves you have been through worse, and you’re still sitting here today. It shows that you ARE made of stronger stuff than many think, and it is a way to identify past feelings and experiences without having to relive them. Because reliving is hard. Too hard.

From January 2009 through July of 2012, I attended therapy with a wonderful woman who helped me understand myself better than what I had learned during the 20 some odd years of life I had at that point. She taught me many things but one of the biggest ones, I think, was how to let shit go. Like, seriously, LET. IT. GO. Stop thinking about it, stop saying “Well, I really am over it, but it just makes me so {insert descriptive emotion here}!” because that means you are NOT over that shit, at all.   And that’s not letting go – that’s dwelling, and dwelling was another HUGE issue for me. I’d run scenarios over in my head 50 ways to Sunday and come up with every plausible way a situation could play out, then dwell on the worst one that I could dream up, cycling myself into a feeling of uselessness and just general awfulness, adding to my already depressed mood and well, let’s just say it sucked. I’d tell myself that I traumatized myself for good reason, so that I could “be prepared” for anything that came my way, but the truth is, I think I caused myself MORE stress trying to plan for everything than I do now but just letting it be. Be whatever it’s going to be, just let it be and turn into what it will be. Allowing things to happen tales way less energy to get through and I’ve made it through several situations of just letting things BE at this point, and have always found the other side without an issue. And since I didn’t dwell on it until my eyes burned, I had more energy left to enjoy life a little bit. Somewhere between all of that, I think I kinda stopped being depressed all the time. I still have days where I feel shitty and sad and then I have portions of days where it starts out bad, but I flip from that to happy, because I would rather be happy. I don’t dwell on feeling depressed and, dude it’s kinda cool, all of a sudden someone can make you laugh, and you feel a little bit better. Some days, it doesn’t work, but some days it does…

So yeah, guilt. Maybe I felt guilty to leave a post on this blog because I’m not the depressed, anxious, scared, scarred person I was when I started it and when I spent so many nights crying over my keyboard as I typed a post. I feel untrue to the pages found before this. Somehow I feel like this blog wants me to be a hot mess and it won’t accept me any other way. But maybe that’s just the crazy talking…maybe it’s really about sharing this part of my life with people so that someone, somewhere may see this thing for what it is and find some hope, or some solace in the fact that they are not alone. Maybe me sharing all of this with essentially anyone who somehow comes by this page, is just what was meant to be.

Advertisements
 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Dial up the crazy

It almost feels funny to type this, as it’s been almost a year and a half since I’ve used this word, but, I have a ‘boyfriend’. He’s wonderful, I like him a lot, he does all the things I think a good boyfriend should, and I hope that I get to keep calling him my boyfriend for a very long time. With all that said, however, my crazy still manages to poke holes in what could otherwise be a completely normal relationship, and in times like these, I write.

I live in southern Pennsylvania, (southern enough that I rarely admit to the PA residency except when trying to prove that I drive the farthest to work when compared to anyone else), and for those who don’t know, Maryland and Virginia (along with many other states that i have no reason for mentioning here…) got hit with a helluva storm the last weekend in June, with 80 MPH winds, hail, monsoon volume rains and excessive lightening. There are people to this day that are still without power due to the storm damage, and my boyfriend works in Maryland, for one of the companies that’s out and about replacing some of the telephone poles that were broken, cutting up trees that were splintered and generally trying to fix some of the shit that got jacked up. Since he and I have about an hour and 15 minutes worth of distance between us, his long hours and 7 day a week shifts have taken a toll on my emotional stability the last 2 weekends, as I’ve seen him for a fraction of the amount of time that we PREFER to see each other. See, I intentionally typed “we prefer” to try to outsmart the crazy, but the crazy is uber smart, and it sees through my thinly veiled attempts with little to no effort. The small amount of time that we HAVE been able to see each other isn’t exactly the same sort of QT that I’m used to spending with him, either, as he’s exhausted, a mere fraction of his usual awesome personality, and I swear – dude falls asleep LESS THAN 5 minutes after his head hits the pillow – I don’t think a narcoleptic could top that. So this weekend, I ate dinner with him and his family, then we watched a movie, I got to sleep in his arms, and then got up at 5 am and drove home as he went to work. I’m not complaining, because I wasn’t exactly living la vida refreshed either, but as soon as I give my brain a moment to wander, it immediately jumps to him distancing himself from me for some yet to be discovered reason. Or for some reason that I may have thought of but dismissed, or for some reason that I may never even think of because there’s probably not even a reason in existence at this point. Logically, I know what sheer exhaustion can do to a person and that this is his true reason for being less than all over my grill as of late. Yet my crazy expects him to be bright eyed and bushy tailed, utilizing every second I am within his vision to adore and fawn over me, despite the fact that he’s worked no less than 10 hours per day, for the last 10+ days straight, and he’s already doing about all he can just to stay awake and spend a few hours of face to face time with me. I am interpreting his exhaustion for disinterest, and this is where I inevitably lose my sub-par grip and sob into a pillow for a few hours. Queue the red, puffy eyes I’ll have for the next 2 days.

I must feel safe with my boyfriend, though, because instead of bottling it up and becoming aloof, I’ve opened up and explained these feelings to him, and god love this man, he consoled me and assured me and managed to quell my concerns in just a few words. In past relationships, I would have been told “That’s stupid, why do you feel that way?” and it would end up being an entire discussion about my feelings and why they are dumb, his lack thereof, and I would still never feel that acceptance or understanding that I longed for. Despite the fact that I want to talk about my feelings, I don’t feel the need to make an entire presentation out of it – I want to say my piece, have him reply, and move on. Then I want to reiterate his reply in my head to make myself feel better whenever crazy girl sneaks in and tries to overwhelm the awesome that I have created. Seriously, I know that these crazy thoughts are crazy things that only crazy people make up, but I literally CANNOT help them from seeping into my brain and once they are there, the only way to make them go away is to say them out loud and gain affirmation for their complete idiocy, or their legitimacy.

One huge thing I’ve wanted in a boyfriend is someone who would actually listen to what I say, and HEAR me when I say it. I don’t need it fixed, that’s on me, I just need a man to understand that I have feelings (I know, you’re thinking ‘You’re a chick – DUH you have feelings’ but wait, explanation on this to follow) and be OK with hearing them out-loud. Too many men seem to completely suppress, or downright forget that chicks have feelings, and need to express them to get over them, and firsthand I can say this has created more than several issues with me and men in the past. This one guy I dated told me that I wasn’t ALLOWED to tell him when I was disappointed. His reasoning was that he didn’t like making plans anyway, so when plans fell through, I wasn’t allowed to be disappointed because it was something I used against him to make him feel badly. Not badly enough to NOT break plans or to even TRY to not break plans, just bad enough that he didn’t want to hear about it. I feel that you don’t get to know a person if you’re always just putting on a show, so I want to be honest and try to share who I am in my entirety. All the world is a stage, but even the stage hand gets to know the REAL person playing the part, and I want to be with someone who knows all of me, not just the stuff that’s lollipops and gummi bears. Long winded reason # 47 why my boyfriend is awesome.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes, hindsight sucks

Today I let a little crazy out. My man and I had this wonderful weekend together full of awesome people, literal fireworks and tons of Q.T. and I almost fucked it all up in about 5 minutes time, just as he was leaving. At least, that’s what I thought until he proved me wrong.

My past still seeps through into my present at times, and while most of my past is what has made me who I am today, ergo, I am thankful for it, there are plenty of things from my past which benefit no one, no how, no way. Mainly, this is regarding my previous dating encounters, as those are still the my biggest hurdles of insecurity in life. However, I think anyone with a pulse can agree that past relationships all have their double-edged swords. On one sharp side, I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made and I have managed to stop picking men who have issues with commitment or emotion or who hate their mothers or anyone with a womb, but the other side of the slice is that those ‘learning experiences’ jack you up so much emotionally that when shit happens which triggers memories, before you know it, you’re sobbing hysterically into a sofa pillow cushion wondering why in the hell you don’t just magically become the crazy cat lady now and save yourself the anguish of WAITING for it to happen.

Despite the fact that I sipped copious amounts of crazy juice this afternoon, lost my shit for a minute or thirty, and even shed a few tears (but don’t tell anyone), instead of spinning wheels away from crazy town faster than a Delorian, my man was so worried about MY feelings that he stuck around and talked through things with me until I felt better, even though that meant his time table was pushed back and he got home later than wanted/expected for his stupid early 5:30a Monday morning. He was more interested in making sure he and I were copacetic than anyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with and I could not express to him, or you, how incredibly amazing and wonderful that is if I sat here until my ass and fingers went numb, using a thesaurus to select any and all words related to AWESOME in three to five different languages. His concern for my feelings eased my worries faster than an ice cube melts in hell, yet on top of that pile of awesome, just to assure me more so that all the amazing things he said earlier were incredibly true, he called me on his way home under the veil of being lost, just to make sure that I was OK. Seriously, the man knows his way home by now, and I generally am anti-lying, but I’m OK with this particular guise.

I am so happy that lately, people are remarking upon how happy I look, even when I’m not talking about him and I, and even when they have no idea that my man even exists. And ya know what, I’m not even gonna pull the “I don’t know how I got so lucky” card because dammit, therapy has taught me that I deserve some fricking happiness at this point in my life and I’m finally starting to believe it. I’ve been with terrible men, I’ve been with men that just weren’t a good fit for me for one reason or twenty, and everything in between, and I may sound like a selfish asshole when I say this – but I DESERVE someone who appreciates me, crazy and all, and who gives as much of a shit about what I think and feel as I do about what he thinks and feels. And I truly think I’ve found him, especially after today.

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

The “I hate life” rant for today

There are days in this life where I feel like my actual being is in question. All that I do, all that I say, all that I AM seems to no longer be sufficient. All that I aspired to have out of life no longer seems an option and I have to re-think all the things that I “wanted.” Love, marriage, children…and all the rest of that happy horse shit isn’t a part of my overall dream anymore. Life has won – I’ve given up, at least for now.

Recently, I find myself coming to terms with the hugest waste of time that I have ever wasted time on – LOVE. I’ve tried, many times, I’ve failed, many, MANY more times – and now, well, it’s time to move on. When I dream of my future now, I don’t see myself with a husband and kids, I see myself as a single 40-something living in New Zealand, far, far away from all of the heartache and painful memories of my current life. I no longer want to have kids because I feel like I am too effed in the head to EVER be a good parent. Shit, I’m surprised my dogs haven’t had to go into counseling yet. Can you imagine the kind of warping I could bestow upon a mind with the consistency of playdoh? That, my friends, is the reason that I didn’t follow through with teaching – I didn’t want to be responsible for turning them into little neurotic me’s.

I’ve decided that LOVE is too painful for me to be able to handle anymore. All of the back and forth and all of the UNKNOWN…You love someone, they don’t love you. You love each other, but you fight all of the time. Love loses it’s fantastically special appeal when you can’t remember if you love THEM or if you just love the fact that you aren’t alone. Love leads you on with that tiny promise of “maybe” and that is enough to leave you waiting on the edge of your seat for indefinite amounts of time. Someone loves you, but not in the “same way” that you have professed to love them…It’s a despicably sorrowful entity and just not worth the fight for me anymore. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt, and 9 1/2 times out of 10 – it’s me. And quite frankly, I’m damn tired of it. My friends know of my plights, and bless them, they all say “It will happen. Your time will come. It’s all going to work out” ::Blah, blah, blah:: They tell me to have faith and that the universe really doesn’t hate me, but I beg to differ. I mean, seriously, between financial issues, friend issues, home issues, AND all of my HEAD issues…I think that the universe is stomping on my heart for FUN at this point! My patience only allows for so much, and I’m sorry, but I’ve reached the end of it and I just don’t have the energy to generate any more. So, this is the end of the line for me and LOVE. Love can go bother someone else, it can go break someone else’s heart and it can go suck out the precious emotional energy of another who is still victim to it’s luring Siren Song. But not me – my cement heart has finally set, and it’s impervious to Love’s advances.

~ Evaporated by Ben Folds Five

What I’ve kept with me
And what I’ve thrown away
And where the hell I’ve ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I’ve really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud

Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere

Here I stand, sad and free
I can’t cry, I can’t see
What I’ve done
God, what have I done

Don’t you know I’m numb, man?
I can’t feel a thing at all
Now it’s all smiles and business these days
I’m indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there’s a soul somewhere
That’s leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down

I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated … see?

Blind man at a canyon’s edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I’m a kite that’s flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger’s knee
I’m sure back home they think I’ve lost my mind

 

Tags: , ,

Today I decided…

~ that I need to go back into therapy. BADLY.

~ that I’m going to start taking my boys for a walk at night, now that the sun is setting later. They just have too much energy NOT to. Besides, it doesn’t hurt to walk my fat ass around the neighborhood, either!

~ that I need to make some sort of HUGE change in my life, in the way I live my life or the people that surround me. I just haven’t figured out where to go from there, yet…

~ to actually attempt to quit smoking. I can say that none of my previous “attempts” were ever whole-hearted ones. Guess it’s about time that I do something that IS.

 

Tags: , , , ,

Hey you! In the back!

Some may notice that I have changed my theme. As much as I loved the hard-to-find dark background of my previous theme, I needed something to change and just changing my header image was no longer enough to satiate me.

After much delineation and many looks at other layouts, I decided upon this one for many reasons. First and foremost is the ability to upload a custom image header. That gives me an opportunity to play with my photography in one more way, and that makes me just the slightest bit giddy. Secondly was the fact that I can still have all sorts of whacked out font sizes in my Category Cloud. I enjoy that organized chaos more than life itself some days. Thirdly, my flickr feed. Would you believe that there are layouts out there that do NOT have widget plug-ins?! I KNOW! The AUDACITY, right?! That’s what I said. So, although there are many themes out there that I liked the looks of moreso than this one, it was in fact this particular layout which I found the most joy in, in regards to the widgets that I have at my disposal. Eh, sometimes it’s the little things in life.

Hopefully everyone, (all 6 of you, my dear, appreciated friends) who make these ramblings into the actual outlet that they were intended to be, will have no hard feelings regarding my recent attempt to control one thing in my life right now.

 

Tags: , ,

News to keep you hanging on the edge of your seat

I recently added to my menagerie of pets. I bought a fish. A betta fish, to be exact, and photos of him are forthcoming, I’ve just been struggling with accomplishing things lately. The intentions are to give myself an objective for the week which entails getting a nice shot of him, and getting it posted BEFORE Friday. You see, when I’m in the completely-unmotivated-to-do-ANYTHING mode of which I am now, this is a task that can easily be put off due to overzealous expectations. So, to promise such a great feat is a true example of how retarded I actually am.
 

Tags: , , , , ,