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Category Archives: work

Complacency Kills

Today I got a little reality check cashed that I wasn’t expecting.

I thought I was doing so well with my depression and my coping issues for months and months and months now. I’m no longer on antidepressants, my therapist released me from ongoing therapy, and my life has been on quite the upswing. But today was proof that even when everything seems to be going right, shit can still creep up on you and flip you ass over tin cups.

I work with a girl who frustrates me to the point that I have become obsessed with everything she does wrong, just to shake my head, tsk-tsk in her direction and say things like “I don’t know how she still has a job”  behind her back. Her lack of work, while I bust my ass, and the way I feel that management has allowed her behavior with no consequence, straight up makes me resentful. You see, I have a job where I do what I’m supposed to do, my manager and I sit down every couple of weeks to go over my case load, and unless someone starts jumping up and down in the meantime, I’m pretty much left to my own devices otherwise, and expected to just do my job. This girl I work with takes advantage of our freedom and often spends more time during the day texting or surfing the internet than she does actually WORKING and I’ve become too concerned with what she does, or doesn’t do, each day that I’ve been making snide comments to fellow coworkers. Apparently others have heard my comments and went to my manager about them, thus resulting in a call today. I can be an awful bitch at times, for sure, and heaven help those who get on my bad side as I can say some nasty stuff with proper motivation – and you best believe that this girl gives me proper motivation. Through all of this, I have not lost control of my caseload and I do not have issues with unhappy or neglected clients, but I have certainly delved into the zone of negativity which is a place I strove for a very long time to climb out of. It’s a place I haven’t been in a while, and slipping back into it was so easy, it kind of scares me.

I feel a lot of shame, too. Shame for being so petty about this girl, shame for being naive enough to think that management had no clue of her shenanigans, and shame that I made my manager waste some of her precious time just to tell me that I needed to get a grip. I can’t believe that I’ve forgotten where I was when I started this blog years ago – miserable, negative, hating everything, feeling nothing and being just plain depressed and anxious – and how long and hard I struggled and cried and learned and fought and what I implemented in an attempt to change all of that. And here, I have allowed one co-worker, in a matter of a few months, to ruin that for me and start to take away what I worked SO HARD to obtain.

My manager was ultimately right, and I thanked her for bringing this to my attention. Sometimes, it’s hard to see how extreme a situation has become until an outsider points it out. I promised her that I would let it all go, and starting tomorrow, i intend to do just that. I’m going to let go of the resentment, let go of the shame and let go of the negativity – I don’t want to be that person again because at this point in my life, I have too much to lose.

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Who’s got two thumbs and a serious case of the Mondays? This girl.

I once saw a bumper sticker that read “Mondays are a horrible way to spend 1/7th of your life.” It made me laugh and nod in agreement then, and it still pops up into my head now when I have a day like today.

My job is technically based – I work with computers and in multiple proprietary applications all day long, in and out. When I have a computer problem, it effects my entire day. Today, I had internet issues, then VPN connectivity issues, then Outlook issues – it seemed never ending. I was in the midst of a conversation with my manager via an internal instant messenger service when my internet went out for the first time, cutting the conversation off mid sentence. I did all of the things I knew to do – reboot the router, reboot the comp, try my personal comp, then call my ISP. Turns out it was most definitely an ISP problem and it took them a couple of hours to fix it.

I finally got logged back in around 2:15p this afternoon only to find that the email message I needed for a task was unavailable because my outlook took a shit and didn’t want to open up properly, due to the loss of VPN connection from earlier, when my internet went out. Long story short, technology is aggravating me today as nothing seems to be working properly. In the past, I’ve always relied heavily on technology because most things are a computer program of sorts – and computer programs DO get bugs in them, but are often fixable easily enough, even if you have to revert code to a previously working version. Computer programs make sense to me – tell them to do something and they do it. Most often, if it doesn’t do what you intended, it’s because you made a coding error. So it’s understandable when a technology/computer fail totally screws my day, and my mentality.

I am not in a ‘bad’ mood, or depressed; I’m pretty much just annoyed with everything today. Struggling to WORK is a mood killer and definitely is aggravating and makes me want to punch a baby in the face, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll stew in my annoyance tonight and probably roll into work early tomorrow to try to get my shit together and accessible while I’m connected to the mainframe directly, not through a VPN connection. I’ll have to work a long day to make up my missed time due to my malfunctions, but I do have the hope that tomorrow IS another day, and that my tech bugs will sort themselves out and go bother someone else. I don’t know if I can manage two, completely unproductive days in a row, because of computer issues. If that happens, tomorrow’s post is bound to be much more on the downswing than this one.

So, Mondays. Why do we hate you so? Oh, perhaps it is because you come directly after the most loved days of the week, and signal the return to reality that most of us would rather not see as often as you come around. Perhaps it is because, in a client facing business, clients stew all weekend and then explode phones and emails with pointless issues and merit-less concerns first thing in your morning. Or perhaps it is because we have, as a society, been so indoctrinated to HATE you, that we cannot help it; if you don’t hate Monday’s people think somethings wrong with you. Perhaps you have taken on the embodiment of all things great and evil and you give us a fixed point to direct our disappointment and anger at. Or perhaps it’s just that we hate having to work 5 days, and only getting 2 for play. Whoever came up with this 40 hour work week shit should be drug out into the street and Pink Bellied until they split that shit to 4 days on, 3 days off… Meh. A girl can dream, can’t she?

 

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*Think AC/DC* I’m back in TYE DYYYYYYE!!

Today I worked from home. Mostly because my job is awesome, but also mostly because it was icy and snowy out and I reverted back to 6th grade where snow meant no school, a wet butt and hot chocolate in front of the fireplace. And as I sit here, trying to find the inspiration that I lost over 6 months ago, I realized that my awesome job and my Pavlovian response to the white stuff have been part of what’s kept me from leaving my immediate property since Saturday afternoon. It’s Wednesday. And added to THAT insanity is the repressed anger that I’m currently feeling towards the kids that came by earlier today to shovel my sidewalk, who forgot to mention that their service was prorated based on the amount of cash that they were given to do it. Apparently, $10 bucks buys you 3/4 of a shoveled sidewalk. And even stranger than my green/blue plaid pant and tye dye shirt attire is the fact that I am totally ok with ALL of that.

I expressed my concern of possibly being labeled as a shut-in the same way any normal woman in her mid to late 20’s does – via gmail and facebook status updates, of course! – and it was my dear Walter who summed it all up into a neat little package for me:

It doesn’t make you a shut in. It’s totally ok that you never leave your house, get mad at the neighborhood kids, and are outnumbered by animals 4 to 1.

Ouch. Sometimes the truth hurts. But in a seriously hysterical way. This is my life, you CAN’T make this shit up.

 

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Par for the course

There is no amount or availability of words in the English language to adequetly describe my day today; it would have had to have been lived in order for you to appreciate it for all that it was.

For example:

It took me until 11:30 a.m. to realize that my underwear was on inside out.

 

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I might as well save my breath, I’ll need it when I’m 80…

Dear (Insert Health Insurance Provider Here):

You, my friend, are a bag of douche. You are the right hand man to Lucifer himself. You are a total asshat. You are the bane of my existance. You are the reason that it was 90 degrees today, in October. Quite candidly, YOU SUCK.

Your corporations financially damage people by squeezing ungodly amounts of money out of them and in exchange you provide them with a plastic card to carry, a little tangible prod from your finance department. Unobserved by most, these precious jems have a miniscule clause printed almost microscopically at the bottom which reads: “We will adhere to the fee schedule that we have provided you if we feel like it. Sometimes, just to mess with you and to keep you on your toes, we’ll deny a claim. In order to get it paid, you will need to spend approximately 30 minutes holding for one of our inept Claims Specialists, and then an additional 45 minutes, although most likely it will be more, trying to explain the situation and clarify the billing, the amount paid, the disallow and the member liability. Not to mention the fact that we will do everything in our power to keep you at work and on the claims specialist phone call well after your 8-5 working day. Mazel tov!” And lucky me, I work for a company which does this for their clients… *tight lipped smile* *sarcastic laughing* Aha haha. Aha haha.

To ye insurance companies, I say this:

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits and may your arms be too short to scratch. May the ground open up below you and swallow you down into it’s molten core, reguritate you and swallow you back time and time again, for all of eternity. May you be present when the next postal employee decides to see how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall. May your six-digit annual salaries bring you nothing but despondent requests from needy, dependent relatives who are constantly in debt. To you, I say good day.

Democratically yours,

Me

 

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