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Category Archives: Fall is falling!

What I learned today, or, Why I should go the hell outside sometimes

  • Today I learned that I can, in fact, sit on my couch and watch 35 consecutive episodes of Reno 911. The show is THAT. GOOD.
  • Today I learned that a three-day old bruise from giving blood makes me look a lot like I have a problem. With injecting things into me. Like, drug things. People look at you funny when they think you have track marks and suck so bad at shooting up that you cause yourself to bruise egregiously.
  • Today I learned that my mother’s dog whines and follows me around more than my own problem child dog, and it’s really starting to annoy the shit out of me, 24 hours into dog sitting him. I thought my tolerance was through the roof since I live with a dog who thinks he is my shadow; to the extent that I ALWAYS find him outside of the bathroom door whenever I open it. ::SIDEBAR:: As a habit, I tend not to close doors in my home as I live alone and have ridiculously dependent pets, but when I shower, I like to get all steamy and fog up the mirror and shit, so I shut the door. Never fails – my helper is laying in the hallway in such a way so that he can see my face from the moment the door’s crack is wide enough for recognition.
  • Today I learned that I do love that annoying little dog and his habits of being near me at all times, even though he drives me insane and causes me to trip over him on a daily basis. There is something to be said for being that loved by a soul.
  • Today I learned that if you own a pick up truck with a lift kit, and you’ve re-routed your exhaust to go up and above the cab of your truck, 18-wheeler style, it’s in your contract to hang out in the Arby’s parking lot. They take their obligations VERY seriously.
  • Today I learned that 50 degrees F and no sun makes for a very cold, long day that continuously seems later than it truly is, which causes you to waste the day away while at the same time wondering what happened to the day.
  • Today I learned that fountain coke tastes better than fountain Pepsi. But if given the choice between a can or bottle of coke versus a can or bottle of Pepsi, I would choose the Pepsi. This fact was validated today on two separate trips to places that sell fountain sodas.
  • Today I learned that evenings in are more fun whilst intoxicated. Tanqueray and limeade is the SHIT, people. You don’t know what awesome is if you’ve never tried T&L.
  • Today I learned the most pretentious way possible to google ‘quotes that make me happy’, which is a very popular search and gets me a lot of hits. This is an IRL google search that got someone to my blog: “to make life colourful and happy wordings”
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Congratulations! It’s November!

Yesterday, I was thinking about the leaves falling and how beautiful it was here in Pennsylvania about a week ago, with the gorgeously bright yellows and reds that look like they were painted on leaves with super pigmented acrylic paints. In the midst of my wonderment, I was taken aback by the sheer SPEED in which this year has gone by. We were just having conversations on how the year 2010 would be pronounced: 20-10, 2000 and 10, 2-0-10; then I chronologically aged one year closer to thirty and now HOLY SHIT its November. It seems that the older I get, the faster I, and the world, ages.

With age, besides wrinkles, I do seem to be gaining some odd sort of clarity and understanding about me – who I am, what I want to do and with whom – and I’m finally figuring out how to actually embrace these things. November has started out pretty good for me so far: I’ve finally gotten my NEW new couch, work has been busy ergo I have been productive, I’ve been having a lot of good times with great friends and I’ve even started doing some stuff for ME. I’ve gone out more in the last 4 weeks than I have in 4 months and while I do find it tiring in its own way, I’m ENJOYING myself. I’ve started dating again, in the lightest sense of the word possible mind you, and I’m analyzing these men more for what they will give ME, as opposed to what I can give them and I gotta say that I’m actually finding an eerie sense of fulfillment in being single, flirting and enjoying my femininity. And while I won’t go as far as to say I don’t have my moments of loneliness, I definitely have more happiness than not.

I think that one of the deepest reasons behind my past relationships not working out is because I never saw men as being able to contribute to my well-being – I tended to only see them as companions, as an assurance that I didn’t have to die alone and as a vessel that should have given me the love and fulfillment that I needed. Most often, as soon as I started realizing I was emotionally supporting myself and them, things started deteriorating. I became exhausted giving myself to them and getting nothing in return that I started to become resentful of them, and of myself and why I could never find the “right” person. I became disheartened and desperate for that love that I thought had to come from an outside source. I jumped from relationship to relationship to avoid being alone; to avoid myself.

Now, I’m learning that I should be looking for a man who compliments my personality, and has the same wants and future aspirations that I do, a man who doesn’t NEED anything from me other than the love that we share. In my recent past, I think I was simply was looking for that title of “girlfriend” as I saw that as a commitment to me and my future, despite the fact that it was nothing ever of the sort. This is not to say that I never loved any of my ex’s – I did, some more ferociously than others – but I know now that love isn’t enough to make a successful, lasting relationship. The time I’ve spent on my own, thinking about me, since my break up has allowed me to see this and has ignited a non-desperate fire in me, wanting to find someone who falls madly in love with me just because of who I am, not because of anything I can give them. I’ve chased men in the past – acted suave and witty and alluring. I’ve even pretended to have interest in activities that I really did not care for, just to try to win their attraction, and I fell out of love with activities I used to not be able to live without. I understand now, why that never found me a man who I could connect with – if he was looking to me to be something I’m not, then it’s no wonder he never turned out to be what I wanted, either.

So now that all of that depressing shit is out-of-the-way for today, please remember this, if nothing else, about what I’m learning from my life lessons:  Cheers to November, cheers to Fall and all the fantastic colors that it brings with it, cheers to setting the clocks back an hour this weekend, and getting an extra hour out of the day. Cheers to life and actually LIVING it, to happiness and not giving up until you find it and to love – real, true, heart numbing, stomach flipping, speech impairing love; cheers to having enough self-awareness to see that YOU are the problem, not everyone else,  and then doing something about it. And most of all, cheers to my therapist, my friends, my family and even my ex’s – without all of you, I would not be who I am today. And I’m becoming rather fond of this person.

 

Consistency, consistency, consistency…

That word ::shudder::  has become the bane of my existence. At work, one of the major reasons I’m not being offered a promotion is due to a lack of consistency. We have productivity requirements to meet and of course we’re supposed to strive to exceed the base, and my numbers the last few months have been less than exceptional. Hell, some months have been less than ideal. So when I speak to my manager about my knowledge, and how I meet all other requirements for the next level up, she continues to point out my lack of consistency as the main reason why I am still not yet considered for “Senior” status.

Take my blog here as a second brilliant example of my issues with consistency. Time and time again, I log in here, write down some bs about what’s going on in my lessthaneventfilled life, and vow once more to begin posting something with some sort of CONSISTENCY. Then a month goes by, I’ve not posted two words, and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Interestingly enough, the one place in my life where I’ve had some SORT of consistency would be my relationships. I always find myself with men who are not a good match for me, for one reason or another. They never want or are able to make me a priority; they tend to be emotionally unable to connect with me, which literally kills me as I am very emotionally needy; or they ended up using me as companionship so that they didn’t have to be alone. Do I like, value myself so little that I throw myself immediately towards any man who shows me care and affection, regardless as to whether or not he’d ever be able to meet MY needs, and simply because I tend to misplace my sense of self in the need to care and/or FIX people, or something?

HOLY SHIT. I think I just channeled my therapist for a second, but DAMN that makes some sense!

It’s hard sometimes to see the things that you do and how they affect the way that people treat you and what you accept as appropriate behavior. I’ve been working the last couple of months at really paying attention to what I want instead of what everyone else wants. I’m trying to do the things that make ME happy and doing those sorts of things often. I’ve been honest and straight forward – no games, no innuendos and absolutely no longer allowing interest from a guy alone be enough to make me consider him as a potential partner. I told a guy today that I just didn’t think anything was going to happen for me, and I felt kind of bad about it before and after I told him, but shortly afterwards,  I started to feel better. I started feeling better because I was being true to myself, and not allowing anyone else to influence my decisions or what I do. Sure, it might have meant a free meal and a couple of laughs, but if I already know that I just don’t feel anything romantic towards him at all, is it really FAIR of me to lead him on just long enough to meet? My decision is that it’s  not. I’d rather not waste the gas.

Yes, I’ve decided that my efforts these days will be directed towards myself, and no one else. I’m going to do what I want to do and I’m not going to care about other people’s opinions. It looks like I’ve had my priorities misplaced and I need to have myself together before I can expect any man to want to be with me for anything long term. I’m still going to continue dating, I think, whenever someone comes along that I feel the want to talk to in person, but otherwise, I’m going to live my life. I’m going to start going to a yoga class this week and I’m going to get exercising and taking care of ME. That means quitting smoking, again, but I need to for my overall health’s sake. I’m going to finish the pack I have, and do my best to avoid buying another one. I have gas in my car, food and red bull in my fridge, so I should be able to avoid the Hill for at least a few days as way of supporting my attempt of quitting, especially now that every one who works there knows my brand. Oy. It’s time to start being consistent about my health and my life and my job – the things that define ME, instead of spending all of my energy on others so that they can feel better about themselves, leaving me drained and fending for myself. My expectation and hope is that once I’m more balanced in that way, the rest of these things that I want and continue not being able to find, should fall into place. Hopefully, redirecting my energy towards bettering myself will extend outwards to others I meet, attracting the appropriate kind of men, and allowing me to make logical, intelligent, selfish decisions on who deserves my time. Go. Me.

 

My sister is MARRIED!!

This weekend I had the honor of being a part of my only sibling’s wedding in Deep Creek Lake, MD. It was essentially a weekend long party for friends and family and honestly, I’m still re-cooperating today. We had a fantastic time, which is most likely directly attributed to the amount of alcohol which was imbibed. I don’t know what the final counts ended up as, but I know that on Saturday morning, after having some folks over Thursday night, and an open house Friday night, we had gone through 6 cases of beer and about 10 bottles of wine. And the wedding wasn’t until 3pm Saturday afternoon. If there is one thing that my family is, it’s folks who enjoy alcoholic beverages.

Aside from a very minor mishap where the MOH ended up stumbling and falling on her face, with little more than a couple scrapes and a bruise THANKFULLY, the weekend went off without a hitch. My sister, who I have in the past condemned for her Type A personality ways, and who managed to pretty much plan it all herself, even remarked today that it was everything that she had hoped for. Coming from her, it must have been a damn good party.

My sis and brother-in-law

View from the deck of the Ceremony House

They were cute as hell, but HURT like hell

Bridal Party playing air guitars, mostly

 

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Fall is here! Aaaaannnnnnd my yard needs to be raked…

In the fantastic KeyStone State of Pennsylvania in which I reside, fall is finally upon us in all of it’s glory. It came rather late this year, as the leaves are usually fallen from all trees by this time. My yard actually needs to be mowed, and raked at the same time. Talk about a conflict of interest! Forgive my poor yard-work as last week there were a few leaves here and there and that was all. They kinda fell, overnight. Things will get cleaned up, but right now, I’m just enjoying the view and the weather. The colors have brightened the most this past week after we got some rain and cool weather. There are plenty of yellow’s and red’s and orange’s throughout the neighborhood and I can even smell a fireplace once in a while. The weather has changed to much so that I think I might make myself a cup of hot chocolate shortly.

I realized I hadn’t documented the development of my kids lately. So, here are a few shots that are so new you can still smell the digital chemicals. TAKEN JUST THIS AFTERNOON! May you lay your eyes upon a couple of the cutest fucking pups you’ll ever, well, lay your eyes on. Yeah. So anyway, these are my children.

Russel

Since Russel learned how to carry THE ball, he’s been such a lil’ helper. He “helps” Karn bring the ball back, which usually consists of the ball getting to me, then Karn lets go so that I can kick THE ball, then Russel steals it, runs away, and Karn chases after him. ::Repeat as necessary:: Sometimes I can get my foot on THE ball and spit out “Russel! NO!” That doesn’t happen often…

Russ and Karn

It’s hard to believe that Russel is just six months old and that Karn is two years and a half. It’s really hysterical how low to the ground he is…I mean, a six month old Jack Russel stands as tall at the shoulder as he does! Handsome boys though, aren’t they?

Karney and his ball

I swear to Christ, sometimes I think he loves THE ball more than me!

Russel Stealing

This would be Step 4, which is directly following Step 3 as stated in banter below Photo 1. Russel stealing THE ball.

Karney and THE ball

Yeah, this is what I’m talking about…Oh! To be a dog. *smile*

 

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