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Category Archives: Who’s a control freak?!

I’ll cry if I want to

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I am having very mixed feelings on the whole deal. On one hand, I’m thankful to have reached 30 with no real health problems, financial problems, or family problems. On the other hand, I expected to be further along in life than I currently am and it’s really a downer to face reality. People tell me that I am being crazy, and I say No Shit, but it’s a true and legitimate way of feeling – besides, grappling with my self distortion is a daily thing for me.

To give you a little background into how my mind works – I had expected to be in a serious, committed relationship on its way to marriage by the time I turned 30. Now here I am, oh-so-single, lonely, and so off-put by my past relationship choices, and all of their subsequent failures, that I am doing what I do best and shutting down from the concept all together. Letting people into my life requires a lot of energy from me and after a bad string of friends who screwed me, I decided against allowing anyone else in for a couple of years now, because letting down my defenses is one of the hardest things for me to do. So here I am, and I’m finally hitting the big 3-0 and the highlight is that my parents are taking me out to dinner. I’m so far away from the things that I want in life, it’s overwhelming.

I grew up thinking thirty was old, like most people who are young feel, and while my perception of “old” has changed as *I* have aged, thirty still always seemed like the right age to start finding a life with someone significant. Not to mention that I am of the age group where the greater percentage of people I know are married and/or have kids. I see their happiness and yearn for it yet, I’m feeling less and less confidence in the choices that I have made in life, ergo, I have less confidence in the things that I thought I wanted, too. I don’t want to start the self fulfilling prophecy role, where I say I’m gonna end up as the crazy cat lady and I then actually turn into one, but at the same time, it’s really difficult to try to remain optimistic when you see the things you wanted most in life drifting farther and farther out to sea.

Maybe it’s my milestone birthday, maybe it’s just a bad day for me emotionally or maybe I’m getting hit in the face with a serious dose of reality – I honestly don’t know – but I do know how I’m feeling tonight, and that is sad, lonely and pretty hopeless. I want to crawl into my bed and not come out until next year, with the hopes that my life will magically fix itself and all of my self inflicted feelings of abandonment and desertion will just go the hell away.

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As if I couldn’t do it myself

I have two very sweet, very loving, very adorable little dogs. One is a Jack Russel Terrier and the other is some Westie/Cairn Terrier Mix of something – he most closely resembles Falcor from The Never Ending Story, but beings that my dog isn’t large enough to ride on, and he hasn’t mastered the ability to fly yet, I am still at a loss. Both dogs are pretty well-trained, not aggressive and they love each other like brothers and play together and with other dogs really well. For the most part, they are not typical terriers as they are very social dogs, they’ve never bitten a soul and they tend to spend more time laying on the couch than they do terrorizing, but sometimes, their Terrier nature bleeds through and I CAN’T STOP IT.

My house sits off to the one side of my property, as opposed to being centered on the property, so one neighbors house is only a few feet away, while my neighbor on the other side is 30 feet or more. Whenever my “close” neighbor is in her yard, she is always just on the other side of the fence and my dogs would often take that as if she were trying to invade their property and would then bark at her as if to say YOU’RE LUCKY THIS FENCE IS HERE OR ELSE WE WOULD MESS YOUR SHIT UP. I would yell at them, apologize profusely to her and she would always be kind and say things like “I don’t mind” and “it doesn’t bother me.” In fairness to her, she was seldom around and her yard is only about 10 feet by 10 feet, so the time she spent doing yard work was equal to or less than the amount of time I typically spend exercising.

Flash forward to the last couple of weeks – my neighbor sold her house and the new owner has moved in, finally. He seems pretty quiet himself, and anti-social to the point where it makes me slightly uncomfortable, as if there was something wrong with me which didn’t warrant a “Hello” now and again. Regardless, with my already reeling mind, I now also have to deal with the incessant barking of my typically wonderful dogs as they bark at the neighbor, who OF COURSE, had to have a dog of his own. My dogs have never had a dog just on the other side of THEIR fence and it pretty much drives them beyond insanity into a pure, unbridled psychosis. I’ve spent the last few days essentially pleading with them to cease and desist, and it’s gotten to the point now that I check outside first to confirm that the coast is clear. Instead of falling back into my agorophobic ways, I’ve enlisted the help of The Dog Whisperer. I don’t care if the dude and his wife are breaking up, he’s got some damn good logic when it comes to dog training, and my dogs wouldn’t be as good as they are if it weren’t for him. I should be more religious about the training, and if I was, they would probably be better behaved, but I struggle. And I digress…So, yesterday, I went to his site in search of a barking deterrent tool or training process and was directed to what I’ve dubbed as  “The 13 cent solution.” The entry suggested putting 13 pennies in a soda can and shaking it like a Polaroid picture whenever the dogs barked. I like free things, or almost free things, so I put 12 pennies, not 13 because I have a thing for even numbers and I can’t imagine that one penny would make or break this experiment, into a soda can, duct taped those buggers in there and whenever the dogs bark or do something I disagree with – I shake the hell out of that can and say NO at the same time. So far, I do notice encouraging results, but I haven’t decided if the dozen pennies/soda can is going to be a solution to the barking embarrassment or not. I’m hoping that it works for me so that I can become less neurotic about being served with the possible noise violation that my dogs technically qualify for.

 

Spring has sprung

2010 is  moving faster than the speed of light, unfortunately, I move more at tortoise speed so I’m feeling a little left behind lately. Don’t get me wrong, this year has been better for me than the last couple for a few reasons, and with a few exceptions. I’ve been taking some time out for ME, trying to be more mindful of my actions and reactions and I can notice a marketed difference between my abilities to cope, and my WANT to interact with life again. I can admit to having been under a rock for about 8 months or so, but it’s probably been significantly longer than I even realize. Life stopped being measured in the moments that took my breath away and started being measured in the minutes between when I was awake and when I could drown my misery in my pillow. Every time was bedtime and I struggled to claw my way out of bed in the mornings. I managed to convince myself that I wasn’t the one changing, everyone else was and I fell into such a deep depression that I think I actually forgot how to LIVE.

With a few years of therapy under my belt, some good friends, a truly understanding boyfriend and some good (legal) drugs, I’m finally starting to feel like someone who has hopes and wants and isn’t so absorbed with the past and the negatives in life that I can actually begin to wake the hell up and go outside. I’ve spent more glorious time in my backyard and gardens this spring than I have in the last 3 and the influx of Vitamin D must have some sort of unknown benefit because I’m finally able to enjoy sunlight without my agoraphobia kicking in, I’m not as ashamed to be seen in public wearing shorts and I’m doing anything and everything that I can to stifle my control-freakness, which, by the way, is excruciatingly difficult to repress. After all, I’m not telling you how to do something, I’m just telling you a BETTER way to do it. A way that doesn’t leave a drip of paint running down the walls, or a rust stain in the new bone colored sink… I’m not being controlling, I’m being helpful. Right? Don’t you know think so? Seriously, DON’T YOU?

In one of my recent therapy sessions, my therapist suggested that I start blogging again, as in the past it’s been very cathartic for me, but as I sit here now, I feel out of sorts. My fingers want to type their freshly painted polish off, but my mind doesn’t have anything impressive to say. I feel like I’ve lost my writing skillz, and I am slightly dismayed by the difficulty I’m experiencing as I struggle to complete this post. I guess I wanted to have fallen right back into blogging as if it were a brand new bike that’s been sitting in my basement, just waiting for me to jump on it and pedal my ass off, while it does all the work propelling me forward. But alas, my thoughts don’t roll as easily as a bike tire, and instead, I’m left making tired, and strange, analogies that may not even make sense to me in the morning…

Afterall, my tomorrow begins in less than 7 hours.

 

Letting a little crazy out

Today was not a good day. It wasn’t the most HORRIBLE day I’d ever experienced, but it definitely wasn’t one of the better ones, either. In fact, it’s defining distinction would have to have been it’s ability to make me feel like a complete dumbass who could screw up ice, if given the opportunity.

Most people know by now that I have issues (some of which revolve around my lack of self esteem) and my dips and climbs in and out of a depressed affect are just part and parcel of the emotional roller coaster which I call my life. Today’s dilemma proved to be blown slightly out of proportion by myself, but when you use work as a reference for how much you should value yourself, it’s easy to let your first mediocre screw up turn into a job threatening, multi-million dollar lawsuit. Mountains out of molehills, folks. Mountains out of molehills.

Sadly, my greatest talent is also my greatest flaw and it’s where I have bursts of reality and logic, which DO take their sweet time, but eventually bubble up to the surface enough to be acknowledged by my heightened emotional state.  Visually, it looks like brief moments of clarity coming in more frequent waves, washing over a face with swollen red eyes and a snot filled nose who is using her shirt as a tissue.  Why, you may ask? Because it’s always easier to be irrational first, that’s why. Especially when you are as ashamed of failure as I am.

Regardless of the outcome, I will sleep poorly tonight, if not medicated. You see, in the course of this matter, I have already envisioned this to be a job threatening situation – a situation in which I DEFINITELY contributed, but in no way was soley responsible – and yet while I logically know that it could have been much, much, much, much, much, MUCH worse, I still will not be able to get past this until the issue is completely resolved. Each time I get an email, my stomach will end up in my throat and my palms will get a little sweaty.

I wish I was one of those people who was able to cope with making a mistake. Those folks who don’t always have uncontrollable tears when they feel like they’ve disappointed someone, be it at work or at home. I want to be one of those people who can handle contructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack. Like those who also feel like it’s ok to not live up to some preconceived notion, and who in fact, can feel comfortable with screwing up once in a while. Ya know, people like that. Here’s to my up and coming Anniversary in Therapy.

*all together now, escalating*  YAAAY Therapy!

 

68 + 24 = 58

Yesterday, where I live, we got the most snow so far this Winter – we ended up with around (I think) 8 inches or so. The wind was so incredible during this storm that there were plenty of times where I could have gotten lost getting to and from my mailbox. Which is attached to my house, right next to my front door.

Needless to say, I’m certain that you can imagine the sort of cold which comes with high, gusty winds and 8 inches of snow. Now, imagine an old house, with not tight fitting door jambs, original sash window fittings and a overall general lack of insulation on a windy day. When the backdoor wasn’t properly closed.

Don’t get me wrong – I am so OCD that this has never really happened to me, BUT! I understand how it could. My usually AWESOME boyfriend was the last one to leave the house this morning – bless him for his help – and he neglected to double check the backdoor. A practice, which under normal circumstances, would only exist to appease an OCD type person, but in this instance, actually exists to prevent things like the backdoor blowing open in the middle of the day. In March. With 8 inches of snow on the ground. When it’s 24 degrees outside.

It ended up being a balmy 58 degrees inside once I closed the door, the heat was running (and still is) and we are still on a slow climb back up to optimal temperature which in my house, hangs around 68. We’ve climbed 8 degrees in 2 hours and 15 minutes. I wonder how long it took it to fall 10?

 

Some people call me a Space Cowboy

One of my greatest abilities, and worst characteristics, is that I often spend more than my fair share of time over-evaluating where I am with, and in, my life. Currently, I am single, I live alone with my 4 pets and I am 27 years old. Most of that kinda sucks and I find myself scheming for ways to get myself out of at least 1 of my most defining criteria. Unfortunately, a struggle ensues and I usually just end up MORE single with MORE pets and even MORE 27 than before.

Dictionary.com defines dating, among many definitions, as “a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night.” Sounds simple enough, so why is it so difficult to actually participate in? Going out to bars to meet men does nothing but elicit sweaty passes and beer burps, so I tend to shy away from that scene. I burp enough on my own, but at least it doesn’t smell like recycled brew. Besides, it’s mostly college kids and those experiencing the pub scene, legally, for the first time. I’ve found over the years that I prefer men my age, or older, and at least on a similar level of intellect. It’s a huge turn off when a guy looks over my shoulder and snidely states “Why are you reading?! That’s not gonna do anything for ya. A-hyuck.” I dated this guy once who would look at me like an ape whenever I used a word with more than 3 syllables; like NEANDERTHAL.

I’m not looking for an immediate commitment out of anyone right now, but I somehow feel like more of a person when I can tack phrases like “I went on a date” onto the list of things I did this weekend. It seems so futile to even go over my weekend with anyone since it’s usually the same house work, yard work, hung out with {insert friends name here} and laundry that it always is, weekend after weekend.

Part of my issue may be the fact that I am not actively looking. As much as I sit here and complain about being single, it’s really a challenge to find a compatible guy, and so as with most things, as soon as the going gets tough, I get going. Away from it. I bail, give up, punk out and bug out when I feel outmatched, and dating is definitely something that makes me feel as much. I don’t know how to approach such a situation as I’ve never really been enveloped in the dating scene – I’ve been in long term relationships since I was 17 and it’s taken me the last 2 years of being single to make me realize that I have a lot to learn when it comes to choosing the “right” kind of man.

And so here I am, in the midst of assisting with the planning of my sisters multiple wedding/bridal showers, not the mention the wedding itself, and I’m pulling my hair out over showing up to yet another major event stag. Call me selfish, hell, I’ll take that as a compliment, as that is what my therapist keeps telling me I need to be a little bit more of, but the reality is that, although I can do and be a lot independently, there is a plenty to be said for having that someone to come home and cook dinner with, to curl up and watch Battlestar Gallactica with, to lay next to at night and to wake up with their arms around you in the morning. Being single has a lot of good aspects to it, but I’ve played this game for a couple of years now, and although for most of those couple years, I was barely able to take advantage of being single since I was so codependent I didn’t know where I even began, I finally feel like I am ready to start TRYING. I don’t need a roommate or a husband, but I would like to go out on a real, genuine, bonafide date every now and again, damnit.

 

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I’m sorry I’m an idiot

It’s a wonderful thing when you feel like your world is changing and then have some sort of justification of it proving to yourself that you AREN’T losing your mind, and in fact, might actually be experiencing your world, as it changes. My justification comes in the ways of horoscopes. Many consider them useless little blurbs of mumbo-jumbo that someone who claims to have studied astrology throws together to give their lives meaning because they aren’t intelligent enough to make it through astro-physics school. But not me. I put more faith in my horoscope then I do in the presidential elections. I hold my horoscope in a higher regard than I do the Pope. I see my horoscope as a greater good in my life then it would be to win the lotto. Basically, I live and breath it.

Some of my obsession may have to do with the fact that I obsess over things, anyway. I get so fixated on things that even wild horses couldn’t drag me away. Granted, my obsessive behaviors ARE getting better – I actually pumped gas the other week and it cost me something other than A WHOLE DOLLAR AMOUNT. Honestly, that was the first time in as long as I can remember where I wasn’t compulsively driven to overflow my gas tank, just to guarantee that whole dollar amount on the receipt. I can’t admit to having done it SINCE, but hey, even once is a step! And unfortunately for me, in addition to my obsessiveness, I am also a control FREAK. I would rather drink rancid milk as my only source of fluid for a week STRAIGHT then just LET GO of something. I can’t explain my issue with having to know what the future holds, nor can I explain away the unnatural NEED that I have to “guide” people and happenings along the path that I wish them to follow. Guess that’s as good of reason as any (as if I needed any to BEGIN WITH) which guarantees that I’m gonna go back to therapy tomorrow.

So, a basic understanding of my freakish control issues in addition to my obsessiveness was imperative in order for you to fully comprehend the reality of my rationale and the importance of… My horoscope:

You need to finish up your old business as the Sun moves through interactive Gemini this month. Projects that you began over the winter should now be nearing completion. Forget about the regular calendar; your year is coming to a close, so you must do everything you can to prepare to begin anew as summer rolls around.

Somehow, all seems right with the world today.

 

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