I have decided to rekindle my blogging while I am in a shit, depressed mood as this is usually when I do my best writing, nonetheless. Last night I had a friend essentially tell me off in an unprompted and rather curt way and that encounter has left me feeling a little, ok, a LOT under the weather. Some may remember how a similar thing happened to me last year, where a few women who I thought were my friends, ended up stabbing me in the back or just plain old forgetting about me, but, I have to admit that the debacle from last eve makes those women seem like fairy princesses who made me hand woven blankets of sugar and spice.
I’m up to a nice, round, even number of people in the last 18 months who have removed themselves from my list of contacts – last night makes 6 – And while I like even numbers and all, this is just getting RIDICULOUS. I’m starting to feel like I am seriously dysfunctional, like I have a legitimate defect about me which causes people to drop me like a leper who doesn’t understand what PERSONAL SPACE means. Maybe I throw too much of myself into friendships, and end up expecting more out of people than they can actually give. Maybe I allow everyone else to borrow my energy, but never ask for any in return, thus making me out to be a push-over and an easy target for misdirected aggression. Maybe I’m so insecure with myself that I latch hold of people who I think NEED me, and through that, find a sort of value for myself, but can never really evolve into the equal contribution which ANY relationship, platonic or romantic, should be. Or maybe I’m just fucking crazy and attract crazies. Who knows?
My family is aware of my struggles, and my mom’s supportive, yet misguided, answer to all of my emotional problems is to always go do some yard work. Seeing how my mother never lets things get to her as easily as I do, or at least is better at hiding her emotional duress than I am, I thought WHAT THE HELL? and tonight I mowed, weed whacked, weeded my brick patios and edged my walk in an attempt to walk off my injury. I have to admit, those 4 hours I spent in my backyard went by much faster than a similar length of time spent with my ass embraced in the soft, chocolate colored micro-suede fabric that is my couch, but I still can’t seem to shake off the feelings of desertion and disconnect that I’ve been left with since yesterday – maybe I should have pruned some trees, too?
Today marks the most successful, successive blog post for me in the last, oh, YEAR, I guess. Two days is my success and while I don’t really have any crosses to burn today, or even any assholes to maim – I just have a little nugget of joy to offset the insanity from yesterday. Or at least make me appear less than Institutionally Certifiable.
So, since my computer is broken (long story), I can’t really take and upload any pics right now. This one is from my camera phone, but it definitely at least brings a smile to my face. AND! proves that I have the dedication, if I just put my mind to it.
I am lucky enough to work from home a couple of days a week. In light of that amazing perk, one would imagine that dealing with traffic only 3 out of 7 days would give me more of a buffer zone for idiots, however, one would assume that INCORRECTLY. Apparently, either my tolerance for people en mass has gone down, or society in general is deteriorating by the day.
This morning on my way in, I happened to end up behind a big, diesel, maroon, Dodge pickup truck. Simply by my inclusion of the words DIESEL and PICKUP TRUCK, you should have been able to gather that I was dealing with what most people would call a RED NECK. There were no antlers tied to the hood or brass balls hanging from the trailer hitch, but there was a slight hint of asshole in the air the first time that we passed a dotted yellow line. He went from teeter-tottering around the speed limit to EIGHTY (80!) in like, two seconds and then slowed back to the speed limit as soon as the double yellow reformed. After this pattern repeated between a couple of the passing zones, I began to realize it was intentional, and that the driver was not in fact, having a seizure.
Unfortunately for me, my heritage includes large chunks of Italian and German – and by that, I am trying to invoke the reference strictly to illustrate temperament – and instead of resigning to call an asshole an asshole, I retaliated. I attempted to pass a couple of times, one of which I was almost forced off of the road by this dude, only to eventually end up following him until there were multiple, single direction lanes, and most importantly…WITNESSES.
At the next light, he pulled into the left turn lane as I wanted to go straight; I saw the passenger window come down and thought “REDEMPTION!” only to be leered at by two skinny, tooth missing, Klan wanna-be, exclusively monosyllabic processing, repulsive excuses for human beings who’s infantile reaction to me questioning what the HELL they had been doing was “You have a fat face!” So I made a pouty face, ran my finger down my cheek like I was chasing a tear, threatened a full scale police manhunt and then peeled away when the light turned green, deeming them, combined, as the Official 1st horseman of the pending Asshole Apocolypse – Conquest.
Anyone with Police ties in the state of Maryland or Pennsylvania, please contact me as I have a license plate and vehicle description that I’d like to track down the owner of in order to file a complaint/grievance/asshole report on. And yes, in my heart of hearts, I really do believe that such a thing exists.
Today was not a good day. It wasn’t the most HORRIBLE day I’d ever experienced, but it definitely wasn’t one of the better ones, either. In fact, it’s defining distinction would have to have been it’s ability to make me feel like a complete dumbass who could screw up ice, if given the opportunity.
Most people know by now that I have issues (some of which revolve around my lack of self esteem) and my dips and climbs in and out of a depressed affect are just part and parcel of the emotional roller coaster which I call my life. Today’s dilemma proved to be blown slightly out of proportion by myself, but when you use work as a reference for how much you should value yourself, it’s easy to let your first mediocre screw up turn into a job threatening, multi-million dollar lawsuit. Mountains out of molehills, folks. Mountains out of molehills.
Sadly, my greatest talent is also my greatest flaw and it’s where I have bursts of reality and logic, which DO take their sweet time, but eventually bubble up to the surface enough to be acknowledged by my heightened emotional state. Visually, it looks like brief moments of clarity coming in more frequent waves, washing over a face with swollen red eyes and a snot filled nose who is using her shirt as a tissue. Why, you may ask? Because it’s always easier to be irrational first, that’s why. Especially when you are as ashamed of failure as I am.
Regardless of the outcome, I will sleep poorly tonight, if not medicated. You see, in the course of this matter, I have already envisioned this to be a job threatening situation – a situation in which I DEFINITELY contributed, but in no way was soley responsible – and yet while I logically know that it could have been much, much, much, much, much, MUCH worse, I still will not be able to get past this until the issue is completely resolved. Each time I get an email, my stomach will end up in my throat and my palms will get a little sweaty.
I wish I was one of those people who was able to cope with making a mistake. Those folks who don’t always have uncontrollable tears when they feel like they’ve disappointed someone, be it at work or at home. I want to be one of those people who can handle contructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack. Like those who also feel like it’s ok to not live up to some preconceived notion, and who in fact, can feel comfortable with screwing up once in a while. Ya know, people like that. Here’s to my up and coming Anniversary in Therapy.
*all together now, escalating* YAAAY Therapy!
Yesterday, where I live, we got the most snow so far this Winter – we ended up with around (I think) 8 inches or so. The wind was so incredible during this storm that there were plenty of times where I could have gotten lost getting to and from my mailbox. Which is attached to my house, right next to my front door.
Needless to say, I’m certain that you can imagine the sort of cold which comes with high, gusty winds and 8 inches of snow. Now, imagine an old house, with not tight fitting door jambs, original sash window fittings and a overall general lack of insulation on a windy day. When the backdoor wasn’t properly closed.
Don’t get me wrong – I am so OCD that this has never really happened to me, BUT! I understand how it could. My usually AWESOME boyfriend was the last one to leave the house this morning – bless him for his help – and he neglected to double check the backdoor. A practice, which under normal circumstances, would only exist to appease an OCD type person, but in this instance, actually exists to prevent things like the backdoor blowing open in the middle of the day. In March. With 8 inches of snow on the ground. When it’s 24 degrees outside.
It ended up being a balmy 58 degrees inside once I closed the door, the heat was running (and still is) and we are still on a slow climb back up to optimal temperature which in my house, hangs around 68. We’ve climbed 8 degrees in 2 hours and 15 minutes. I wonder how long it took it to fall 10?
This weekend I had the honor of being a part of my only sibling’s wedding in Deep Creek Lake, MD. It was essentially a weekend long party for friends and family and honestly, I’m still re-cooperating today. We had a fantastic time, which is most likely directly attributed to the amount of alcohol which was imbibed. I don’t know what the final counts ended up as, but I know that on Saturday morning, after having some folks over Thursday night, and an open house Friday night, we had gone through 6 cases of beer and about 10 bottles of wine. And the wedding wasn’t until 3pm Saturday afternoon. If there is one thing that my family is, it’s folks who enjoy alcoholic beverages.
Aside from a very minor mishap where the MOH ended up stumbling and falling on her face, with little more than a couple scrapes and a bruise THANKFULLY, the weekend went off without a hitch. My sister, who I have in the past condemned for her Type A personality ways, and who managed to pretty much plan it all herself, even remarked today that it was everything that she had hoped for. Coming from her, it must have been a damn good party.
I’ve not been in a good place, mentally, the last couple of days. Overall, I’m feeling rather down and weepy and emotional and I’m trying to blame it on PMS and trying to quit smoking and stress and yet, I know the reality of it is….ME. It can be summed up in 7 words by quoting a local hero, Mary Prankster, You’re not my problem. I’m my problem. Part of my depression is definitely due to the fact that my fantastically awesome boyfriend is out of town for the second week in a row and I am missing him something fierce even though he is supremely awesome at keeping my worries at bay. But the proverbial icing on the cake is my ability to DWELL on shit. Although I have this really loud, booming voice of logic which tells me I have no control over these things, and that everything happens for a reason, I just can’t shake off my crazy today.
I’m finding most of my remorse coming from the fact that in the last 4 months, I have lost 4 people who I had considered good friends, all for reasons unbeknownst to me. The way all 4 dissolution’s manifested was by them just closing me out of their lives. I’ve spent a lot of nights trying to make sense of WHY these women would ever have felt the need to block me out, and I gotta tell ya that aside from migraines, I’ve come up with nothing. One so-called friend has seemingly dropped me due to a guy, although I’m sure she would tell you otherwise, and despite the fact that she promised to never let such an atrocity happen, that is the best explanation I have come up with. Another is remaining loyal to the person she should, and although there is a huge level of discomfort around her, I knew it would play out this way, so I should have been better prepared. The third has been through some pretty trying times herself in the last few months, and for a while, I tried to blame it on that. But I can only fool myself for so long. And the 4th? Well, I don’t think I ever really meant anything to the 4th, I was someone to make her feel better about herself, and when I stopped being that person, my use had run out. Honestly though, she’s the least of my concerns.
I suppose that a lot of my obsession with the losses of these “friends” is because I typically make and maintain only the best of friends. Hell, most of the people I call my best friends today have been in my life for no less than 12 years. Only 2 are new additions and yet have managed to make our few years of friendship feel like a lifetime – and one of them happens to be my boyfriend. In the scheme of things, I’ve always valued friendships the most out of all things in life, and I believe more in quality as oppose to quantity, but I never thought that I would have misjudged the state of any relationship to the extent of which I have with these 4 women. And the worst part about it all is that I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED.
Today was not a good day (at 7:30 this evening I’ve already taken 2 Tylenol PM in a vain attempt to sleep off the remaining melancholy), Sunday was worse, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. Both my mom and my therapist have given me the most compromising, and subsequently, best, advice ever: Allow myself time to dwell, but only for a finite period. And once that pre-established amount of time has passed…it’s time to move on.
As difficult as this has been for me, I don’t really hold anything against any of these women. I try to make myself feel better about the situation by recognizing that everyone has a season – and my season with these 4 women must have already passed. I would welcome most of them back into my life, but I would probably always hold them at a distance, so things dissolving as they have is probably the best way for this all to have gone down. I’m saddened by the losses, but I have gained a lot in my life in the last few months as well, and I wouldn’t forgo any of it for anyone; my seasons are changing.
To everything turn, turn, turn…
