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Meh, guilt post.

Wow, it’s been a while…I suck at this ‘routine’ posting shit. Probably why my dream of being paid to write will never come to fruition, but I digress. I think I’m here today because I feel guilty. I’ve invested so much time, energy and tears into this damn blog, I feel neglectful after a while without posting. Why? I mean, it is an inanimate object, not needing food or water, but somehow I feel as if I’ve let this poor little blog down by not posting for so long. Hmm, I really dunno. Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic, and Catholics feel guilty over just about anything. Maybe it’s because it affords me the opportunity to do something that I LOVE to do – write – but because I don’t think I’m any good at it, it simply reminds me that I try too hard. Maybe I just like to share my story in an act of self-inflicted therapy or maybe I hope that it shows a side of depression that a lot of people don’t know about, but should… Eh. It’s probably just the Catholic guilt.

There used to be a time where I would turn to this site to get the shit that was filling up my head, out. Discuss the pain and grief I was feeling without being judged or told “You should just be able to deal with it.” Finding some release in writing it down, chronicling it in a way, in the hope that one day I could look back and think “It really was that bad.” I know that sounds morbid, but as anyone who has suffered with depression knows, there is a relief found by being able to say those words. First, it disproves our memory and gives you some perspective over what you remember versus what actually was. My personal memory turned a lot of scenarios into me being the victim but the things I chose to write about on here never changed their story. It proves you have been through worse, and you’re still sitting here today. It shows that you ARE made of stronger stuff than many think, and it is a way to identify past feelings and experiences without having to relive them. Because reliving is hard. Too hard.

From January 2009 through July of 2012, I attended therapy with a wonderful woman who helped me understand myself better than what I had learned during the 20 some odd years of life I had at that point. She taught me many things but one of the biggest ones, I think, was how to let shit go. Like, seriously, LET. IT. GO. Stop thinking about it, stop saying “Well, I really am over it, but it just makes me so {insert descriptive emotion here}!” because that means you are NOT over that shit, at all.   And that’s not letting go – that’s dwelling, and dwelling was another HUGE issue for me. I’d run scenarios over in my head 50 ways to Sunday and come up with every plausible way a situation could play out, then dwell on the worst one that I could dream up, cycling myself into a feeling of uselessness and just general awfulness, adding to my already depressed mood and well, let’s just say it sucked. I’d tell myself that I traumatized myself for good reason, so that I could “be prepared” for anything that came my way, but the truth is, I think I caused myself MORE stress trying to plan for everything than I do now but just letting it be. Be whatever it’s going to be, just let it be and turn into what it will be. Allowing things to happen tales way less energy to get through and I’ve made it through several situations of just letting things BE at this point, and have always found the other side without an issue. And since I didn’t dwell on it until my eyes burned, I had more energy left to enjoy life a little bit. Somewhere between all of that, I think I kinda stopped being depressed all the time. I still have days where I feel shitty and sad and then I have portions of days where it starts out bad, but I flip from that to happy, because I would rather be happy. I don’t dwell on feeling depressed and, dude it’s kinda cool, all of a sudden someone can make you laugh, and you feel a little bit better. Some days, it doesn’t work, but some days it does…

So yeah, guilt. Maybe I felt guilty to leave a post on this blog because I’m not the depressed, anxious, scared, scarred person I was when I started it and when I spent so many nights crying over my keyboard as I typed a post. I feel untrue to the pages found before this. Somehow I feel like this blog wants me to be a hot mess and it won’t accept me any other way. But maybe that’s just the crazy talking…maybe it’s really about sharing this part of my life with people so that someone, somewhere may see this thing for what it is and find some hope, or some solace in the fact that they are not alone. Maybe me sharing all of this with essentially anyone who somehow comes by this page, is just what was meant to be.

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I’m dreaming of…

a buncha weird shit! I had an incredibly intense, emotional, TECHNICOLOR dream the other night. May I explain the absolute INSANITY of this situation by saying that I rarely EVER remember a dream. I can literally think of maybe 5 in my life that I did/can remember – and most of them have been in the last couple of weeks. A dream from about 2 weeks ago is much less weird, well aside from the fact that I remember it – Long story short is that I dreamt of myself and a particular guy out in Deep Creek, MD. He fished, we hiked…that kinda stuff. But the one I had the night before Thanksgiving, Wednesday the 21st, was the MOST disturbing, vivid, memory-like dream that I have EVER had, and honestly, hope to ever have in my life. It’s really way too detailed and specific to try to type it all out, but I’ve found a dream analysis site called Dream Moods which I’ve used to interpret certain aspects of my dream, piece by piece, not as the “whole.” Beings that this is the first time that I facilitated the useage of such a site, I have nothing to base the acuracy of my results off of…other than my interpretation of how my dream really appeared to me, and how it made me feel, and I do not possess the writing ability to describe anything in that regard. Seriously, we all know how ridiculously difficult it is to verbalize emotions, I mean,who hasn’t tried to tell someone that they like, “LIKE like” them??

Below you will find symbols, colors, relationships and feelings that were abundant in my dream, and available on Dream Moods for interpretation. It is a list, nothing more, as I don’t need to pry the ol’ Crazy Chamber open too far yet or you’ll disappear quicker than a virgin’s panties on prom night! ::Sidebar – this analogy is brought to you on behalf of the beautifully right-brained Walter Bean!! DUDE! I LOVE YOU!!! – End Sidebar:: All I can figure is that I am an oppressed, but brave, control freak who is getting ready to have a positive turn of events in the form of a major life transition. *sarcasm* Great! Just what a bravely oppressed control freak needs!! A major life transition with no particular time frame!! Yay!!

 Marriage
To see a marriage in your dream, signifies commitment, harmony or transitional period. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself.Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself.

Wedding
To see a wedding in your dream, symbolizes a new beginning or transition in your current life. Dreams involving weddings are generally negative and highlight some anxiety or fear. It often refers to feelings of bitterness, sorrow, or death. Alternatively, wedding dreams reflect your issues about commitment and independence

Acquaintance
To see an acquaintance in your dream, signifies positive affairs in business and harmony in your home life. It also foretells that you will see or hear from them shortly after this dream.
To dream that you are in a dispute with an acquaintance, denotes that you will soon find yourself in a humiliating situation.

Coworker
To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on.

Friend
To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

Stranger
To see a stranger in your dream, symbolizes the part of yourself that is repressed and hidden.

Woman
To see a woman in your dream, represents nurturance, passivity, caring nature, and love. It refers to your own female aspects or may also represent your mother. Alternatively, it may indicate temptation and guilt. If you know the woman, then it may symbolize the concerns and feelings you have about her.
To see a group of women talking in your dream, refers to some gossip.
To see a pregnant women in your dream, symbolizes abundant wealth

Sad
To dream that you are sad, signifies a positive turn of events. It is generally a good dream foretelling good things are about to happen in your near future.

Panic
To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

Frustration
To dream that you feel frustrated, represents your difficulty in coping with a situation in your daily life. It may reflect your concerns that your life is not going in the direction you want.

Burgundy
To see the color burgundy in your dream, symbolizes wealth, success, and prosperity. It is indicative of your potential power.

Maroon
The color maroon is symbolic of courage, bravery, heroism, and strength

That’s interesting, isn’t it? I mean, who would think that feeling SAD in a dream would actually be a sign of positive things to come? I am definitely thankful that this dream was so detailed because I was able to “interpret” quite a variety of feelings and colors and even people involved. I definitely think that I can psycho analyze myself enough to see a lot of correlations in the dream analysis, and at the very least, it was a wicked cool experience and I would highly recommend checking out Dream Mood and seeing what your dreams may be telling you…

 

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Struggle, struggle, struggle

I dyed my hair the other day. I believe they call is Chocolate Cherry, and it is just loverly. You really should see it, I did snap a couple self-shots, as yes, I am a ridiculously single loser who takes her own pictures of herself, all of the timeThis is my life, so sue me. Swear to christ, though, i am physically unable to upload them at this time. Not because there is any technical type of problem or a missing piece of crutial equipment or a dead battery; no,iI assure you that the only issue falls under utter and complete user error. My brian  *DAMNIT!* brain is mush…ugh. So musch in fact, I am struggling to apparently spell correctly. Punctuation has also become a chore as has the capitalization of letters at the beginning of sentences, which, depite there their ingenious impersonations of seemingly simple tasks, they are proving to be quite the opposite this evening. It’s evident to all that I am blogging in the most feared of all ways…without a point. If it weren’t for NaBloPoMo, I would totally take a lapse from having to think, until my B-R-A-I-N is once again functional. Ah, but alas, I cannot. for I actually have control over this one medial little aspect of my life, and I’ve got it by the balls with both hands.

Plaese Please forgive me for my recent mediocrity. Hopefully, by ethe end of this week, possibly early next week, some of my uncertainty will be more assured and I’ll either be miserable, but with intent, or happier, with relief. only time will tell, but regardless of the outcome, I vow to make a seriously intense constructive effort to get some good shit flowing out of this page. Until then, i shall take comfort in the safety of sleep. After all, *in Georgia-Southern-Belle-a-la-Scarlett-O’Hara style accent* “Tomorrow is another day!”

May peace be with you. *And also with you*

 

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T.G.I.F. my white ass…

There was a time in my life when Friday’s were a time of rejoicing. Afterall, the work week was completed at 5pm today and we were free to revel in all that is our glorious personal lives from now until 8am on Monday morning. So why is it that this day, which should be all about Lollipops and Gummi Bears, ended up being such a big ol’ pile of dog shit for most?

My one dear friend is getting married in approximately 9 days, if you don’t count today. Needless to say, she’s already stressed out – mostly because of her usual ridiculously perfect Type A personality. (You know I love you!) But instead of having to cope with merely the usual pre-marital cold feet and nail biting jitters, she is, instead, fighting with her fiance and her soon to be Mother-In-Law over 3 people who never received their wedding invitations. The Wedding is 9 days away…I don’t think those 3 folks are going to make it. I’m sure it goes without saying that she didn’t have a very good Friday.

Another friend of mine is grappling with an essentially life changing decision – should she? Shouldn’t she? Whatever the Fates have woven into the cloth of her future can be changed with one little decision. She’s been plagued with the What-If’s and the Should-I’s and the maybes. The only thing she should have to worry about is what she wants to drink tonight, instead, she’s plagued by a mental onslaught of uncertainty. For her sake and mine, I shall not launch into specifics, but the fact remains – this day has given her nothing to be thankful about, either!

Besides the fact that it’s an annoying acronymn to being with, there are no “Thanks be to Gods” happening around this joint. In fact, the only time today I’ve heard *His* name used was when it was followed by a “damnit!” Now that I think about it, I was the only one to use the Lord’s name today. Albeit in vain, but let’s not get particular here, folks. I’m already going to hell, it’s just a matter of when. Yet still, the fact remains that somehow, right in front of our strained, dry eyes, Friday’s have slowly metamorphosized into Monday’s. Now, instead of having a ridiculously crazy-ass busy day where no one is happy, everyone feels ill and the phone is incessantly ringing setting the tone of the work week, Fridays  exhibit similar symptoms as Mondays, but they allude a miserable weekend at home. Fair? I think not! It’s like the Space-Time Continuum has been ripped into itty, bitty pieces, and it took all of our preconceived notions of Fridays and shat on them. So, please, forgo the use of the phrase “Thank God It’s Friday,” whether in it’s entirety or in the annoying acronymn way. It’s not Thanksgiving, folks, and you know it too: Friday’s have become just another bullshit day of the week reserved for battling traffic jams, getting stressed out and being thankful to finally be home.

 
 

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