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Meh, guilt post.

Wow, it’s been a while…I suck at this ‘routine’ posting shit. Probably why my dream of being paid to write will never come to fruition, but I digress. I think I’m here today because I feel guilty. I’ve invested so much time, energy and tears into this damn blog, I feel neglectful after a while without posting. Why? I mean, it is an inanimate object, not needing food or water, but somehow I feel as if I’ve let this poor little blog down by not posting for so long. Hmm, I really dunno. Maybe it’s because I was raised Catholic, and Catholics feel guilty over just about anything. Maybe it’s because it affords me the opportunity to do something that I LOVE to do – write – but because I don’t think I’m any good at it, it simply reminds me that I try too hard. Maybe I just like to share my story in an act of self-inflicted therapy or maybe I hope that it shows a side of depression that a lot of people don’t know about, but should… Eh. It’s probably just the Catholic guilt.

There used to be a time where I would turn to this site to get the shit that was filling up my head, out. Discuss the pain and grief I was feeling without being judged or told “You should just be able to deal with it.” Finding some release in writing it down, chronicling it in a way, in the hope that one day I could look back and think “It really was that bad.” I know that sounds morbid, but as anyone who has suffered with depression knows, there is a relief found by being able to say those words. First, it disproves our memory and gives you some perspective over what you remember versus what actually was. My personal memory turned a lot of scenarios into me being the victim but the things I chose to write about on here never changed their story. It proves you have been through worse, and you’re still sitting here today. It shows that you ARE made of stronger stuff than many think, and it is a way to identify past feelings and experiences without having to relive them. Because reliving is hard. Too hard.

From January 2009 through July of 2012, I attended therapy with a wonderful woman who helped me understand myself better than what I had learned during the 20 some odd years of life I had at that point. She taught me many things but one of the biggest ones, I think, was how to let shit go. Like, seriously, LET. IT. GO. Stop thinking about it, stop saying “Well, I really am over it, but it just makes me so {insert descriptive emotion here}!” because that means you are NOT over that shit, at all.   And that’s not letting go – that’s dwelling, and dwelling was another HUGE issue for me. I’d run scenarios over in my head 50 ways to Sunday and come up with every plausible way a situation could play out, then dwell on the worst one that I could dream up, cycling myself into a feeling of uselessness and just general awfulness, adding to my already depressed mood and well, let’s just say it sucked. I’d tell myself that I traumatized myself for good reason, so that I could “be prepared” for anything that came my way, but the truth is, I think I caused myself MORE stress trying to plan for everything than I do now but just letting it be. Be whatever it’s going to be, just let it be and turn into what it will be. Allowing things to happen tales way less energy to get through and I’ve made it through several situations of just letting things BE at this point, and have always found the other side without an issue. And since I didn’t dwell on it until my eyes burned, I had more energy left to enjoy life a little bit. Somewhere between all of that, I think I kinda stopped being depressed all the time. I still have days where I feel shitty and sad and then I have portions of days where it starts out bad, but I flip from that to happy, because I would rather be happy. I don’t dwell on feeling depressed and, dude it’s kinda cool, all of a sudden someone can make you laugh, and you feel a little bit better. Some days, it doesn’t work, but some days it does…

So yeah, guilt. Maybe I felt guilty to leave a post on this blog because I’m not the depressed, anxious, scared, scarred person I was when I started it and when I spent so many nights crying over my keyboard as I typed a post. I feel untrue to the pages found before this. Somehow I feel like this blog wants me to be a hot mess and it won’t accept me any other way. But maybe that’s just the crazy talking…maybe it’s really about sharing this part of my life with people so that someone, somewhere may see this thing for what it is and find some hope, or some solace in the fact that they are not alone. Maybe me sharing all of this with essentially anyone who somehow comes by this page, is just what was meant to be.

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You are the Sampson to my Delilah

I know I told you that one day I would probably have a bit more to say about all of this. Well, it seems that the one day has come.

I guess the most important thing here is that I want you to know that despite the fact that there seemed no end to my misery for a full 24 hours of stewing, I finally understand. And I forgive you. I’m not really 100% certain that this is a situation which WARRANTS forgiveness, but for some reason, I really felt like I needed to tell you that. I’m sure you’ll understand what I mean by that. You always did.

I talked about you in therapy last session, and I found myself saying Well, I couldn’t close the door, so I guess he was the one that HAD to, and I genuinely believed the words even as they poured from my mouth. We’ve reached a point beyond most; you became very important to me, almost too important, and I know that there were reciprocated feelings and compassion on your behalf. Yet, there was a lot missing. Even our friendship was void at the end.

I feel like I have lost one of my best friends, because despite the fact that I never really talked to you anymore, and we never really hung out, I always looked forward to whatever it was that you had to say. Whether in text, email, over the phone, or most especially in person. I was always in awe of your wit and intelligence and I always found your humor to be the greatest of all. I thought for a long time that that was going to be enough for me. I thought that one day, my charm would win you over and I would finally be happy. That damn word. I don’t really know what it is yet, but I do know that happiness is about more then moments, it’s about more than that overall feeling of peacefulness, of which you spoke. Since this has happened, I was forced into realizing that you wouldn’t be able to make me happy. You have a lot on your own plate to figure out, and you are too absent, emotionally, to be able to actually be what I would need you to be. And there is no peace to be found there.

So, I forgive you, and I thank you. It was hard to let something that I had held onto for SO incredibly long, GO. But you pushed me to do so, and that, in the long run, will probably be the best thing that you have EVER done for me. I owe you a lot, you were my greatest supporter and my harshest critic for a long time, and I know that there were definitely some ridiculously trying times between us. But in the long run, if I could go back and do it all again, I would. I would never want to forgo, or much less forget about the friendship that we once had. I don’t want to forget the times I cried on your shoulder and you consoled me, I don’t want to forget all the evenings after work when we would sit in my car and listen to music and just TALK. The inside jokes, the code words, the fact that you ALWAYS knew that I was thinking more then I lead on…Those are all very precious memories, and no matter what happens down the line with you and I, I will always have them. And for that, I will always be thankful.

I guess for now, this is bye. I guess for now, you and I are too different, despite our uncanny similarities, to even consider harboring a friendship, not to mention anything else. I guess for now, this is really the best. For BOTH of us. I do love you, and I probably always will. But as I’ve always said to you before, there is a difference between loving someone, and being IN love with someone. May you find what you are looking for, and may you shed the things that only bring you down. Take care OF YOURSELF, my kindred spirit. Maybe one day we can catch up over some tunes. We will always have Zeppelin. *smile*

 

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