RSS

Tag Archives: things that piss me off

Complacency Kills

Today I got a little reality check cashed that I wasn’t expecting.

I thought I was doing so well with my depression and my coping issues for months and months and months now. I’m no longer on antidepressants, my therapist released me from ongoing therapy, and my life has been on quite the upswing. But today was proof that even when everything seems to be going right, shit can still creep up on you and flip you ass over tin cups.

I work with a girl who frustrates me to the point that I have become obsessed with everything she does wrong, just to shake my head, tsk-tsk in her direction and say things like “I don’t know how she still has a job”  behind her back. Her lack of work, while I bust my ass, and the way I feel that management has allowed her behavior with no consequence, straight up makes me resentful. You see, I have a job where I do what I’m supposed to do, my manager and I sit down every couple of weeks to go over my case load, and unless someone starts jumping up and down in the meantime, I’m pretty much left to my own devices otherwise, and expected to just do my job. This girl I work with takes advantage of our freedom and often spends more time during the day texting or surfing the internet than she does actually WORKING and I’ve become too concerned with what she does, or doesn’t do, each day that I’ve been making snide comments to fellow coworkers. Apparently others have heard my comments and went to my manager about them, thus resulting in a call today. I can be an awful bitch at times, for sure, and heaven help those who get on my bad side as I can say some nasty stuff with proper motivation – and you best believe that this girl gives me proper motivation. Through all of this, I have not lost control of my caseload and I do not have issues with unhappy or neglected clients, but I have certainly delved into the zone of negativity which is a place I strove for a very long time to climb out of. It’s a place I haven’t been in a while, and slipping back into it was so easy, it kind of scares me.

I feel a lot of shame, too. Shame for being so petty about this girl, shame for being naive enough to think that management had no clue of her shenanigans, and shame that I made my manager waste some of her precious time just to tell me that I needed to get a grip. I can’t believe that I’ve forgotten where I was when I started this blog years ago – miserable, negative, hating everything, feeling nothing and being just plain depressed and anxious – and how long and hard I struggled and cried and learned and fought and what I implemented in an attempt to change all of that. And here, I have allowed one co-worker, in a matter of a few months, to ruin that for me and start to take away what I worked SO HARD to obtain.

My manager was ultimately right, and I thanked her for bringing this to my attention. Sometimes, it’s hard to see how extreme a situation has become until an outsider points it out. I promised her that I would let it all go, and starting tomorrow, i intend to do just that. I’m going to let go of the resentment, let go of the shame and let go of the negativity – I don’t want to be that person again because at this point in my life, I have too much to lose.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Continuing the trend

My father is the most negative human being that I know. He actually used to be angrier, or at least used to show his anger more, but as he’s gotten older, the anger has turned from cussing and throwing and breaking shit, to just being a downright bummer.

My birthday was a few weeks ago, and when I called my dad to thank him for the birthday card and check that he mailed to me, we ended up having a relatively decent 35 minute conversation about how my life was going good, how work was going good and how I didn’t really have a lot to complain about. I’d venture to say that his ability to withhold the negative peaks at around 36 minutes, though, because we quickly went from HAPPY HAPPY to “Just be glad you have a job because if you didn’t, you’d have a hell of a time finding one right now.” and “You should be better at saving your money” and “Well, I gave you that 6 months ago – you haven’t done it yet?” Thank you dad, for ruining whatever high I had on life by inserting your usual bit of negatively slanted realism. Can’t I just be happy for a frickin’ minute, here?!

Most people who do that to me usually get thanked for dropping the Bummer Bomb in some snide, sarcastic way, but my dad is not most people. He is the poster child for emotional suppression and avoidance, so if I were to bring it up, he’d just get angry and most likely say something like, WELL, IT”S TRUE ISN’T IT? To which I can’t really argue, but there is a thing called TACT that he seems to lack. In fact, his need to end on a sour note seems almost purposeful to an extent – there was nothing in our conversation that could have segued him into how suck-tastic the world is or how terrible the weather is or how awful the state of the economy is. He just started hating on shit with no prompting. Yeah, I get it, sometimes shit sucks, but if all you do is dwell on the negative, everything becomes ABOUT the negative and I’ve worked really hard to get my thinking out of that downward spiral pattern. And this, my friends, is the long winded version of why I don’t talk to my father very often and when I do, it’s in very short bursts. Gotta get out before the negativity sets in.

 
 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Who’s got two thumbs and a serious case of the Mondays? This girl.

I once saw a bumper sticker that read “Mondays are a horrible way to spend 1/7th of your life.” It made me laugh and nod in agreement then, and it still pops up into my head now when I have a day like today.

My job is technically based – I work with computers and in multiple proprietary applications all day long, in and out. When I have a computer problem, it effects my entire day. Today, I had internet issues, then VPN connectivity issues, then Outlook issues – it seemed never ending. I was in the midst of a conversation with my manager via an internal instant messenger service when my internet went out for the first time, cutting the conversation off mid sentence. I did all of the things I knew to do – reboot the router, reboot the comp, try my personal comp, then call my ISP. Turns out it was most definitely an ISP problem and it took them a couple of hours to fix it.

I finally got logged back in around 2:15p this afternoon only to find that the email message I needed for a task was unavailable because my outlook took a shit and didn’t want to open up properly, due to the loss of VPN connection from earlier, when my internet went out. Long story short, technology is aggravating me today as nothing seems to be working properly. In the past, I’ve always relied heavily on technology because most things are a computer program of sorts – and computer programs DO get bugs in them, but are often fixable easily enough, even if you have to revert code to a previously working version. Computer programs make sense to me – tell them to do something and they do it. Most often, if it doesn’t do what you intended, it’s because you made a coding error. So it’s understandable when a technology/computer fail totally screws my day, and my mentality.

I am not in a ‘bad’ mood, or depressed; I’m pretty much just annoyed with everything today. Struggling to WORK is a mood killer and definitely is aggravating and makes me want to punch a baby in the face, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll stew in my annoyance tonight and probably roll into work early tomorrow to try to get my shit together and accessible while I’m connected to the mainframe directly, not through a VPN connection. I’ll have to work a long day to make up my missed time due to my malfunctions, but I do have the hope that tomorrow IS another day, and that my tech bugs will sort themselves out and go bother someone else. I don’t know if I can manage two, completely unproductive days in a row, because of computer issues. If that happens, tomorrow’s post is bound to be much more on the downswing than this one.

So, Mondays. Why do we hate you so? Oh, perhaps it is because you come directly after the most loved days of the week, and signal the return to reality that most of us would rather not see as often as you come around. Perhaps it is because, in a client facing business, clients stew all weekend and then explode phones and emails with pointless issues and merit-less concerns first thing in your morning. Or perhaps it is because we have, as a society, been so indoctrinated to HATE you, that we cannot help it; if you don’t hate Monday’s people think somethings wrong with you. Perhaps you have taken on the embodiment of all things great and evil and you give us a fixed point to direct our disappointment and anger at. Or perhaps it’s just that we hate having to work 5 days, and only getting 2 for play. Whoever came up with this 40 hour work week shit should be drug out into the street and Pink Bellied until they split that shit to 4 days on, 3 days off… Meh. A girl can dream, can’t she?

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Stoic people actually trim hedges

I have decided to rekindle my blogging while I am in a shit, depressed mood as this is usually when I do my best writing, nonetheless. Last night I had a friend essentially tell me off in an unprompted and rather curt way and that encounter has left me feeling a little, ok, a LOT under the weather. Some may remember how a similar thing happened to me last year, where a few women who I thought were my friends, ended up stabbing me in the back or just plain old forgetting about me, but, I have to admit that the debacle from last eve makes those women seem like fairy princesses who made me hand woven blankets of sugar and spice.

I’m up to a nice, round, even number of people in the last 18 months who have removed themselves from my list of contacts – last night makes 6 – And while I like even numbers and all, this is just getting RIDICULOUS. I’m starting to feel like I am seriously dysfunctional, like I have a legitimate defect about me which causes people to drop me like a leper who doesn’t understand what PERSONAL SPACE means. Maybe I throw too much of myself into friendships, and end up expecting more out of people than they can actually give. Maybe I allow everyone else to borrow my energy, but never ask for any in return, thus making me out to be a push-over and an easy target for misdirected aggression. Maybe I’m so insecure with myself that I latch hold of people who I think NEED me, and through that, find a sort of value for myself, but can never really evolve into the equal contribution which ANY relationship, platonic or romantic, should be. Or maybe I’m just fucking crazy and attract crazies. Who knows?

My family is aware of my struggles, and my mom’s supportive, yet misguided, answer to all of my emotional problems is to always go do some yard work. Seeing how my mother never lets things get to her as easily as I do, or at least is better at hiding her emotional duress than I am, I thought WHAT THE HELL? and tonight I mowed, weed whacked, weeded my brick patios and edged my walk in an attempt to walk off my injury. I have to admit, those 4 hours I spent in my backyard went by much faster than a similar length of time spent with my ass embraced in the soft, chocolate colored micro-suede fabric that is my couch, but I still can’t seem to shake off the feelings of desertion and disconnect that I’ve been left with since yesterday – maybe I should have pruned some trees, too?

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’ll see your ‘Fat Face’ and raise you a ‘Eat shit & die’

I am lucky enough to work from home a couple of days a week. In light of that amazing perk, one would imagine that dealing with traffic only 3 out of 7 days would give me more of a buffer zone for idiots, however, one would assume that INCORRECTLY. Apparently, either my tolerance for people en mass has gone down, or society in general is deteriorating by the day.

This morning on my way in, I happened to end up behind a big, diesel, maroon, Dodge pickup truck. Simply by my inclusion of the words DIESEL and PICKUP TRUCK, you should have been able to gather that I was dealing with what most people would call a RED NECK. There were no antlers tied to the hood or brass balls hanging from the trailer hitch, but there was a slight hint of asshole in the air the first time that we passed a dotted yellow line. He went from teeter-tottering around the speed limit to EIGHTY (80!) in like, two seconds and then slowed back to the speed limit as soon as the double yellow reformed. After this pattern repeated between a couple of the passing zones, I began to realize it was intentional, and that the driver was not in fact, having a seizure.

Unfortunately for me, my heritage includes large chunks of Italian and German – and by that, I am trying to invoke the reference strictly to illustrate temperament – and instead of resigning to call an asshole an asshole, I retaliated. I attempted to pass a couple of times, one of which I was almost forced off of the road by this dude, only to eventually end up following him until there were multiple, single direction lanes, and most importantly…WITNESSES.

At the next light, he pulled into the left turn lane as I wanted to go straight; I saw the passenger window come down and thought “REDEMPTION!” only to be leered at by two skinny, tooth missing, Klan wanna-be, exclusively monosyllabic processing, repulsive excuses for human beings who’s infantile reaction to me questioning what the HELL they had been doing was “You have a fat face!” So I made a pouty face, ran my finger down my cheek like I was chasing a tear, threatened a full scale police manhunt and then peeled away when the light turned green, deeming them, combined, as the Official 1st horseman of the pending Asshole Apocolypse – Conquest.

Anyone with Police ties in the state of Maryland or Pennsylvania, please contact me as I have a license plate and vehicle description that I’d like to track down the owner of in order to file a complaint/grievance/asshole report on. And yes, in my heart of hearts, I really do believe that such a thing exists.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

My brain is soft like brie cheese.

I’ll tell ya, sometimes I really think that the universe conspires against me. Just as I get ready to leave for a FANTASTIC vacation in literal paradise, I’m being bombarded at work, one of my best friends is in need of serious aide as her abusive boyfriend had finally pushed her to the point that she knows she needs to get out, my dear sister who I love is on my ass almost daily regarding things for her October 2008 wedding and I am totally in need of some RELEASE with no hope of getting any. At least, not yet.

I know I am most likely blowing this all WAY out of proportion, but I cannot help but feel annoyed and stressed out right now, a whole 36 hours before my departing flight to Hawai’i. I spent most of this weekend in Happy La-La Land getting my house in order, getting packed and booking reservations on Maui for a hostel and a car, and I was hoping that the only 2 days that I have to work this entire week were going to be a cake walk. Silly me, there I go expecting too much out of people again! ARGH!

Suddenly, I feel the need to inflict frustration and aggravation upon others….I think the dogs are getting a bath tonight. *smile* Sorry kids, but you stink anyway.

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Use your blinker, not telepathy!

I’d like to give a shout out to all those impressively brilliant folks out there who struggle to use BLINKERS. Thank you all for adding to the confusion that is life by assuming that the rest of us are all Psychics who can predict the move that you are about to make in your overglorified gas guzzler of an SUV and therefore, will move out of your anticipated path so that you are not inconvenienced in the least bit. Thank you for then sharing with us that our 6th sense is so obviously malfunctioning by waving your impressively large middle finger at us through your rear window as we slam on our brakes to avoid rear-ending you. Because if we did, that of course, would have been because we didn’t have the forethought to yield to your will.

God forbid that we, as human beings, actually use the technology that we have created in the attempt to better society, to actually enhance our experiences as a whole. The earth might just get sucked up into a black hole if we were actually a considerate commonwealth. Life in general may just cease to exist if a greater percentage of commuters actually gave just a dick hair of concern for someone other than themselves. I’m sure that’s what happened to the dinosaurs – obviously, they had evolved to the point where they became sympathetic to each other’s needs, and in retaliation for their newly found constructive nature, they were obliterated from the earth.

Now, I do understand the physical exhurstion that flicking that little steering-column mounted stick creates for you. I respect the fact that the arduous motion of your wrist, be it up or down that whole INCH, can be confusing to some as the up or down motion actually delineates a left or right anticipated motion of the vehicle. I sympathize with the fact that it’s just really a difficult task to master. I mean, just because a MONKEY can be taught how to use a turn signal properly doesn’t mean that half of society will be able to recreate such a daunting task. We do, afterall, consider ourselves highest on the evolutionary chain, why should we be subjected to such medial tasks as turn signals?

And may I also express my gratitude to those who, when they DO use their blinkers, take that as a free pass to change lanes without so much as a glance to see where others may be in our own little treks from point A to point B. I mean, can you believe my audacity to have been in someone’s way when their life depended on whether they moved into the left lane at the EXACT moment that I was driving past the back door of their vehicle?! Heaven forbid that I imposed upon your drive home by attempting to do the very same myself, and I graciously accept your abusive, incessent, obnoxious horn-blowing as a audible “Thanks!” from one driver to another. And a very fond “BEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPP” right back at ya, asshole. Eat shit and die.

 

Tags: , , , , , ,