Tag Archives: horoscopes

Compulsive me

I wasn’t even going to write a post tonight. I was going to take my melodramatic self to bed after a shower as I had little interest in putting forth enough thought to write a post. I wanted to turn my head off, fall asleep to South Park and wake up tomorrow hopefully having slept through my neuroses. Alas, such was not to be.

Since I spent 3 hours of my evening helping to clean my best friends new house, I didn’t have the opportunity to partake in my usual computer dorkiness this evening. I came home from work, spent all of an hour with my dogs, then corralled them back up in the kitchen and headed out to her house for a Dyson Vacuums vacuuming euphoria. And let me just tell you that I am damn lucky that I like vacuuming, cause they got carpet in EVERY. ROOM. Literally, 2 hours and 40 minutes of that time was spent with the vacuum running. It was like, the NY Marathon of vacuuming. And I loved every moment of it. The carpet marks that this thing makes are just UNBELIEVABLE. Almost spiritual, even. You’ve really just got to try one to understand.

Anyway, as I was on my way home from that rousing 3 hours of cleaning, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about some things that I was struggling with that he was not aware of. Then, once I got home, and since I am such a creature of habit that I would barely be able to sleep tonight did I not check all of my daily websites – email, blog, various online communities, reader feeds, and….MY HOROSCOPE – I fired up the laptop and started working my through the multitudes of urls I visit on a daily basis.

Sometimes, I really wish that I wasn’t so damn cheap and that I’d just pay for a daily text message of my horoscope to be sent to my cell phone. It would REALLY save me a lot of grief if I knew what it had to say to me BEFORE I actually lived it. I very well might handle situations differently had I the knowledge that some random astrologer had the foresight to tell me what was going to happen, and how to handle it. So, my dear Sampson, I can only imagine how absolutely out of touch with reality you must thing me to be, but you were right – I just need to relax. And I need to be honest, and I need to just BE. So noted. So noted…

It feels like you’re living in a fishbowl, and that private emotions are on display for everyone to see. But that’s all in your head. If anything, loved ones need a clearer understanding of what’s going on with you.


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I’m sorry I’m an idiot

It’s a wonderful thing when you feel like your world is changing and then have some sort of justification of it proving to yourself that you AREN’T losing your mind, and in fact, might actually be experiencing your world, as it changes. My justification comes in the ways of horoscopes. Many consider them useless little blurbs of mumbo-jumbo that someone who claims to have studied astrology throws together to give their lives meaning because they aren’t intelligent enough to make it through astro-physics school. But not me. I put more faith in my horoscope then I do in the presidential elections. I hold my horoscope in a higher regard than I do the Pope. I see my horoscope as a greater good in my life then it would be to win the lotto. Basically, I live and breath it.

Some of my obsession may have to do with the fact that I obsess over things, anyway. I get so fixated on things that even wild horses couldn’t drag me away. Granted, my obsessive behaviors ARE getting better – I actually pumped gas the other week and it cost me something other than A WHOLE DOLLAR AMOUNT. Honestly, that was the first time in as long as I can remember where I wasn’t compulsively driven to overflow my gas tank, just to guarantee that whole dollar amount on the receipt. I can’t admit to having done it SINCE, but hey, even once is a step! And unfortunately for me, in addition to my obsessiveness, I am also a control FREAK. I would rather drink rancid milk as my only source of fluid for a week STRAIGHT then just LET GO of something. I can’t explain my issue with having to know what the future holds, nor can I explain away the unnatural NEED that I have to “guide” people and happenings along the path that I wish them to follow. Guess that’s as good of reason as any (as if I needed any to BEGIN WITH) which guarantees that I’m gonna go back to therapy tomorrow.

So, a basic understanding of my freakish control issues in addition to my obsessiveness was imperative in order for you to fully comprehend the reality of my rationale and the importance of… My horoscope:

You need to finish up your old business as the Sun moves through interactive Gemini this month. Projects that you began over the winter should now be nearing completion. Forget about the regular calendar; your year is coming to a close, so you must do everything you can to prepare to begin anew as summer rolls around.

Somehow, all seems right with the world today.


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If it ain’t one thing, it’s another

When I have a particular man er, MALE that I had dated, sending me random, strange, cryptic text messages regarding my love-ability vs. my craziness, is it really ANY doubt why I am in therapy?!

I was cursed DO’H! blessed with a ridiculously text book case of Cancerian astrological qualities. Anything you’ve ever heard or read about Cancers = ME. I’ve shared before that I am a religious zealot when it comes to reading my horoscope. I’m like, the Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder Day Saints, if they believed in horoscopes and not Jesus. Ok, so I’m less like The CJCLDS and maybe more like a Pagan or something, but the fact remains that it’s not what or who you have faith in, it’s just that you have faith. So, with that in mind, may I share with you, my Gospel of the day – my horribly fantastic horoscope:

The boundaries between friendship and romance could be blurred today as Neptune dissolves your 8th House of Intimacy. You are eager to be in a fun-filled social setting now, placing you in close proximity with people you like. Tread carefully, for your emotional needs can lure you into tricky waters.

Had I only READ my horoscope beforehand, I probably never would have responded to that damn text which in turn has given me enough to chew on for the next two days that I’ll barely have to eat.


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And then I read my tea leaves

I must admit to being sinfully unfaithful in checking my horoscope lately. I haven’t wanted to see what the stars had in store for me since for SO long now, it’s been a full-frontal assault. Lately, things have gotten a little worse in some aspects, but slightly better in others, and since I am the disgustingest creature of habit you will ever meet, I went back to my pacifier. Today my horoscope read:

You need to strike out in a new direction, but whenever you do, something comes up that leads you back to the situation you were trying to leave. This time, don’t falter. Make yourself make the break.

Interestingly enough, it is, as per usual, right on the money. I seem to be the most correspondent Cancer that ever walked this earth. Ruled by the moon and tides, it’s safe to assume that my emotional status ebbs and flows in a similar pattern. I am hoping for the best, and am bound and determined to at least SEE the light at the end of the tunnel this go round; even if it means that I have to finally relent and start selling my insane punctuation and spelling abilities to the highest bidder. And since I  seemed to have suddenly found the courage to tell those Mormons who have been hounding me that I really needed them to leave me alone, then know that I can do THIS. Whatever the shit THIS is. Maybe the universe just knows I learn best when it’s the hard way?


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Head Case – RIGHT HERE!

It’s been a harsh reality to accept, but I am SUCH a girl. It has nothing to do with my physical traits, or my Double X chromosomes or the fact that I have the dubious honor of having a uterus; no, it has to do with the fact that I am incapable of taking things at face value. I know that women are always trying to get away from the fact that we are a difficult species to identify with – we always say it’s the man’s fault and that we really aren’t that hard to interpret. Being a woman, I beg to differ. I cannot say that most women are the same as I, but I am definitely a hard one to figure out. Shit, I struggle with it myself. Case in point: I always find myself over analyzing a conversation, or replaying it in my head thinking “Damn, I should have said this instead of that.” I’m a master of insinuation. I can take a seemingly pointless conversation and somehow turn it into someone professing their love for me. I can take anything and spin it around 180 degrees with barely a flick of my wrist, and then I wonder why I feel like I am on a different page than most people.

Lately, I find myself rehashing a current situation over, and over again in my head to the point where I barely know which way is up. I feel like an ass continuing to ask for clarification, but then at the same time, I feel that I am really in need of some. Nothing has changed, persay, but somewhere along the lines, I have taken a communication and butchered it beyond recognition; and in that, I have made myself concerned. I do this often – it’s as if I cannot think in any other way than through cynicism. My horoscope today read:

Why is it that when you’re on the verge of getting what you want, you get wishy-washy and begin backtracking? It’s fear of fulfillment. Move past it, because you deserve to enjoy the good things in life.

HA! I say, HA! How dare anyone accuse me of being wishy-washy or of backtracking?!?! I don’t DO that, do I? Well, ok, maybe I can identify with that, but just a little. Ok, piss off, A LOT then, are you happy now?!? Some days I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life, maybe it’s more about having a LACK of good things, but I definitely worry about what it would actually be like to be fulfilled in life. I can’t say that I have ever BEEN in such a situation, so how then, could I be in fear of it? They say that it is the fear of the unknown which most concerns us…well, that is a fear greater to me than death. If I don’t let anyone in, I can’t get hurt. If I am not fulfilled, I’ll never know what I am missing in life. If I am alone, I can bitch about it until my hearts content without really having to put myself out there and risk it all. See? It makes sense in my fucked up head.

I wonder about myself sometimes. I wonder if I should go back into counseling. I wonder if I really am the person that I THINK I am. I wonder if I talk to much. I wonder if I’m too weird – what, with my uncanny ability to spew forth trivia and song lyrics for days on end with nary breaking a sweat. I wonder if there really is someone out there who will accept me at face value and not make me CHANGE, because change is definitely something to fear. I wonder if I’ll ever understand life and what it’s meant to be about. I know that there is a lot to be said for being independent and self-sufficient, but there is definitely a lot about life that I can’t do on my own. I can collect pets until I turn into the Crazy Pet Lady of the neighborhood, but I sincerely don’t believe that will help my sanity. So I’m feeling like I need to revert back to my “Moving the hell away from everyone that I know” plan…although that would constitute “backtracking” wouldn’t it? Damn it, I really hate when those things are right.


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Just another Manic Monday

Tonight, as I was standing out on my porch, smoking a deliciously menthol cigarette and giving my pups some tinkle time, I started thinking about how absolutely INSANE today actually was. I was thinking about how this Monday in particular seemed SO much worse than Monday’s of recent past. Monday’s suck regardless as they are the weekly equivalent of a full moon. Just when you think the weirdness can’t get any weirder – it CAN on a Monday! Just when you think that you couldn’t possibly want to kill yourself any more than you do after spending 8 hours in a cubicle – you CAN on a Monday! I once saw a bumper sticker which read “Monday’s are a horrible way to spend 1/7th of your life!” How disgusting of a thought! I almost want to wash my own mouth with soap! How could such a HUGE percentage of my precious life ever possibly be spent during the fire and brimstone that is a Monday!? It seriously just makes me want to cry.

Apart from my obvious disdain for the work week Starter, I believe that this Monday was so much worse due to the fact that we came off of a 4 day weekend. I mean, when I get a 3 day weekend, I’m already in heaven. Anything longer than the alotted 48 hours is like a dream come true for me, so on the rare occassions that I get a 4th day, I’m jumping up and down screaming “I DON’T EVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN!” in delirious glory. Well, heh, you can imagine the sonic boom that ensued when that bubble burst. I probably leveled half of South Eastern Pennsylvania. You have to understand that I did spend a rather lazy weekend; I lounged around, raked some leaves, ate Thanksgiving dinner – TWICE! (Yay me!), and generally did NOTHING. I love doing Nothing though. So much so, I’d happily spend the rest of my life doing ONLY Nothing and no one else. And, yes, I am completely aware that my sloth-like nature over the last 4 days must have had some adverse effect on my interpretation of today, but it STILL sucked.

And speaking of interpretations for today – I posted yesterday about my bordering on not so healthy obsession of checking my horoscope daily, and on multiple sites. WELL, today’s seemed to leave even a sour taste in my mouth. Damnit I hate being such a by-the-book Cancerian!! This came from, god help me, My DON’T you judge me! This site is the most dead on that I’ve found so far when it comes to me and the moon and the tides – and today was no exception.

“You know you won’t back out, because when you give your word it’s as good as gold. Other people, however, don’t always operate that way. Let them believe you may walk away; it builds suspense and teaches them not to take you for granted.”

Damnit I hate being right.


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This explains a lot…it’s a full moon

I have a confession: I read my horoscope Every. Single. Day. It’s a impulse which I cannot deny myself of. I check a couple of different sites, with a religious furvor to rival that of the Pope and praying, as some definitely seem to give me more to infer off of than others. I read Yahoo! Astrology and Jonathan Cainer’s Zodiac Forecasts, mostly, as they seem to maintain the highest level of acceptability. They usually at least have some interesting relation to my life. I suppose part of my obsession with reading these supposed visualizations of the future which are dreamed up by a buncha people who gaze at the stars all day is that I always hope that they’re going to give me some insight into what is going to happen next. Living for tomorrow is much, much easier than living for today, at least tomorrow gives me something to look forward to. Also, cause seriously, I can’t stand waiting. And by that I mean, I can handle waiting in a line, or waiting for a cake to bake, but when it comes to the long term aspect of my life and what may or may not happen and with whom: I hate waiting with a passion. I loathe it, in fact. Patience never was a virtue of mine. I would rather do keg-stands until my head explodes than wait for whoever it is that I’m supposed to be finding. I’d rather forego shaving only my right leg for a year than “wait to see how things pan out.” I’d rather hurl myself from a moving vehicle into the path of an oncoming train only to survive, but with no arms or legs, than to have to live with indefinite uncertainty. Anything that I can infer out of my horoscope is looked at as divine intervention. I figure someone up there is telling me this stuff in an attempt to help me control my fate. And control is another one of those things that I can’t get enough of. No wonder I’m single. *smile*

I do have to admit that some days there are particular zodiac forecasts that seem so ridiculously far off, I might as well be an Aries, but then there are other days where they are so dead on, I get goosebumps. The ones that are the creepiest are when I read my horoscope at the end of the day, once all the shit has hit the fan and all of the bitch slappin’ has been dealt, and it warns me about the fights and tells me how they ended. Those are the days where it’s a literary kick to the head/ass/sensitive body part. Take today for example:

“No one else is affecting your life but you. Do not give other people the power.”

*BANG!* *CRASH!* *ZAP!* Shit. Where were you 2 years ago?! Believe me, this is a HARD lesson to wrap your head around, but oh-so-relevant! And as I’ve recently found out, ONCE AGAIN, I still have a lot to learn. Guess I’m going to keep on keepin’-on, reading my horoscopes, and waiting for a day to come when I’m less concerned with the “what-could-be” and more with the “what-is”…but don’t expect me to be happy about it.


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