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Some things change, some things stay the same

06 Jun

It’s been several years now since it started, (somewhere between 4 and 6, I honestly stopped paying attention) and yet I’m still about to write this next sentence: My therapist has suggested that I start blogging again. It helps to solidify the neuro pathways that I’ve rediscovered and it helps to emphasize the reasons behind why I’ve made the choices that I’ve made, and why I used to think that I only deserved [X] amount of anything – happiness, love, kindness, friendship, you name it. I almost feel like I should create an entirely new blog as I am not the same mentally nor emotionally as I was when I started this, or even the last time I posted, and its only natural to want a fresh start after such change.

My ‘perception filter’, as my therapist calls it, is still distorted to a point, but I’ve managed to get the blame game down to a dull roar and I can now see where my deep-seated feelings of guilt, worry and my overwhelming fear of disappointing others comes from. The knowledge alone has opened so many doors in my head that I feel like my brain is a freaking mansion as opposed to a cardboard box. A cardboard box that was once shared with evil, spiteful rats, gnawing on whatever was left of my well-being without regard.

Thanks to my amazing therapist and my own want to learn and grow, I am excruciatingly happy today. I am content with who I am, and I am content if there are people out there who don’t like that, or me. I can say with confidence that, emotionally, there isn’t much I can’t handle now, and I have more confidence and trust in myself now than I’ve had in a long time. Life is good and I look forward to each day with a genuine smile and the outlook that great things are on the horizon. After several years of dating, trying to find the man who fit into my needs and wants while I fit into his, I have found one who is the closest I could ever hope for, and I know that were it not for my therapist and the progress that I’ve made personally, he would not be in my life at this time, and that is the best motivation to continue to grow that a girl could EVER ask for.

I hope to continue to explore myself and what makes me tick, and I hope that I can begin to start sharing my growth again via writing, as it truly is something that I enjoy and I denied myself enjoyment for too long. I saw something via one of those witty websites the other day, a meme of an EKG heart rate; underneath it stated “If life didn’t have ups and downs, you’d be dead.” Well spoken and a good reminder that the bad things that happen don’t have to define who you are or what you do – YOU make those choices and only you can take back the control and turn life into what you want it to be. Thanks be to my therapist for helping me learn that lesson.

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3 responses to “Some things change, some things stay the same

  1. eva007muse

    June 6, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    I could relate to you at self destructive by pushing people away, feeling that most people are malicious only to hide the fear of being rejected by them and other things to really messes up the mind. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better and it gives me people like me hope too that there is “hope” 🙂 *being a former hardcore pessimist, that word wasn’t thrown around as much* 🙂 wish you the very best. Looking forward to your future posts.

     
    • Unrequited Life

      June 7, 2012 at 8:47 am

      Pessimism is def a hard habit to break and it’s taken me several years, with the assistance of my therapist, to shake free of some of it. It’s easier to expect nothing, and get nothing in return than it is to expect the world….and get nothing in return. I always viewed it as ‘protecting myself’ but when it all boils down, I was PREVENTING myself from finding happiness, as I refused to let anyone in due to the fear of being hurt or rejected, as you stated. Fear is powerful but you can overcome it and the rewards are greater than the protection you think you’re affording yourself. Hope is a wonderful thing to have and I HOPE that you find more things to hope for. 🙂

       
      • eva007muse

        June 7, 2012 at 10:10 pm

        Thank you so much for the kind words 🙂 we’re all in this together and I wish you the very best too 🙂 🙂 🙂

         

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