I’ve heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same things, over and over, while expecting different results. And as logical as that may sound, it’s proven to be a lot more difficult to follow in life than you might expect and by definition alone, I’m most assuredly insane. I’ve become accustomed to living my life in a certain way, looking for certain things, surrounding myself with certain people and trying to force things into my life that I should just allow to fit naturally. I tend to take the ‘get a bigger hammer route’ and beat things into submission and shape.
An ongoing topic for me relates to my boyfriends, and lacks there of. I’ve spent the better part of the last 10 years in a relationship with one man or another; they’ve all ended prematurely and none of them ever left me with more than I gave. At my therapists suggestion, I’m trying to take stock of my decisions from the past, analyze them and see where I’ve allowed inappropriate behavior to rule me, and where I’ve inappropriately chosen a situation to be in. A common theme that I’m noticing is that doing things the same way is getting me the same results, so I’m thinking it’s time to try to break free since they’ve managed to provide me with little more than momentary comfort and lasting feelings of rejection. I’ve spent too much time and energy in my past trying to MAKE a relationship work because I was always looking to someone else to fulfill something that which I have been missing – Love. Love is complicated though, and you can’t expect it from someone if you don’t have it for yourself and that has been, and continues to be, a painfully hard lesson for me. I’m not totally convinced I’ve learned it en total just yet, but I am recognizing that I can’t find what I want from life if I don’t appreciate myself and respect myself enough to demand it.
This is not meant to badmouth my ex’s. In fact, each and every one of them has taught me a lot about myself and I would not be on this journey to self discovery had it not been for them all. That is also not to say that they were good relationships or were entered into for the right reasons. I fall for all of them immediately upon learning that they had even a small attraction towards me and I throw everything I have into then nurturing a relationship that had little chance to begin with. I’ve chosen men who are emotionally unavailable, unable to deal with life on life’s terms and/or were just a plain bad choice. One was more intelligent than me and one threw me into walls; one was never able to let me in and one was not able to live his own life, latching onto me like a parasite. My point is that my same actions created, ultimately, the same results.
To fill some of the open time in my life, I’ve been spending a lot of time in my gardens this year. I have a veg garden that’s already yielded me zucchini for zucchini bread, a couple of cherry tomatoes as snacks and has more peas than I could eat almost ready to pop. I have day lilies blooming in full force and beautiful blue hydrangeas filling up a bed on one side of my house. A large patch of Black Eyed Susans are opening their petals to the sky, one yellow bloom at a time, and there is a cattail reed forming in my fish pond, after 3 years of having the plant itself. When I’m planting or pruning or harvesting, my efforts are with the intent of assisting my plants to manifest into stronger, and healthier plants. The long term is my goal now, not just the immediacy of what I have TODAY. Gardening is teaching me patience and appreciation – I cannot make pea pods ripen any faster than nature intends and I can’t make the day lilies show their beauty after the sun has gone down. Nature runs on Nature’s time and nothing can alter that – be it to speed or slow it. One must simply go with it and allow things to happen in their own time and nature is proving to me that the time and patience involved in doing something RIGHT, is almost always worth the results.
This time, I’m not jumping into anything, not even a pool. In fact, I have no interest in dating at this current time because I am too focused on me. I have one guy I’m talking to and it’s on a really nice, mellow level. He’s funny, intelligent, gets my humor, artistic, can deal with and throw out a little endearing trash talk and I gotta say that I’m really enjoying his attention. It’s obvious there is interest from both parties, but neither one of us is stressing about making anything HAPPEN. Things either will, or they won’t and it’s been a refreshing change of pace to get out of my head when it comes to guys, lately. If he doesn’t call me for a day or two, I know it’s just because he’s busy and sure enough, I hear from him as soon as he has the time. In the past, I would worry myself over not being in constant touch; assuming something had changed in the day since I last spoke to whomever the him of the moment was; but today, I’m cool with it and actually kind of appreciate hearing from him more so than if it were a constant thing. I’m not basing my schedule on him, much less basing my happiness on him or what he does or doesn’t bring to my life. I’m simply enjoying the conversation, the attention and the flirting. Oh, how did I ever forget how much fun flirting could be?!
My long story shortened here is that sometimes, a person has to take a good solid look at themselves and what they do with and in life. It’s hard to accept blame for your shortcomings, and it’s even harder to be aware enough of them and, to actually do something about them. I’m all about growing emotionally and learning how best to allow the universe to bring me what I need out of life and I’m now working on allowing good things into my life, in whatever their form, and just taking the time to see what develops. Instead of buying a root bound plants for that instant gratification, I’m germinating the special things directly from seed – lovingly placing them in soil, watching them sprout, watering and giving them the sunlight they need to grow into beautiful things, all by themselves, in their own time.