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I’ll cry if I want to

27 Jun

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday and I am having very mixed feelings on the whole deal. On one hand, I’m thankful to have reached 30 with no real health problems, financial problems, or family problems. On the other hand, I expected to be further along in life than I currently am and it’s really a downer to face reality. People tell me that I am being crazy, and I say No Shit, but it’s a true and legitimate way of feeling – besides, grappling with my self distortion is a daily thing for me.

To give you a little background into how my mind works – I had expected to be in a serious, committed relationship on its way to marriage by the time I turned 30. Now here I am, oh-so-single, lonely, and so off-put by my past relationship choices, and all of their subsequent failures, that I am doing what I do best and shutting down from the concept all together. Letting people into my life requires a lot of energy from me and after a bad string of friends who screwed me, I decided against allowing anyone else in for a couple of years now, because letting down my defenses is one of the hardest things for me to do. So here I am, and I’m finally hitting the big 3-0 and the highlight is that my parents are taking me out to dinner. I’m so far away from the things that I want in life, it’s overwhelming.

I grew up thinking thirty was old, like most people who are young feel, and while my perception of “old” has changed as *I* have aged, thirty still always seemed like the right age to start finding a life with someone significant. Not to mention that I am of the age group where the greater percentage of people I know are married and/or have kids. I see their happiness and yearn for it yet, I’m feeling less and less confidence in the choices that I have made in life, ergo, I have less confidence in the things that I thought I wanted, too. I don’t want to start the self fulfilling prophecy role, where I say I’m gonna end up as the crazy cat lady and I then actually turn into one, but at the same time, it’s really difficult to try to remain optimistic when you see the things you wanted most in life drifting farther and farther out to sea.

Maybe it’s my milestone birthday, maybe it’s just a bad day for me emotionally or maybe I’m getting hit in the face with a serious dose of reality – I honestly don’t know – but I do know how I’m feeling tonight, and that is sad, lonely and pretty hopeless. I want to crawl into my bed and not come out until next year, with the hopes that my life will magically fix itself and all of my self inflicted feelings of abandonment and desertion will just go the hell away.

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