Today I was disappointed. Not that I was expecting to NOT be disappointed, but there was a small piece of me that hoped perhaps the situation may change, or had changed or would change. I had hoped. And perhaps that HOPE was my ultimate failure in the situation. I think some of my greatest disappointment was because I was supposed to hang out with an old friend, instead of being alone tonight. Again. But I was bumped, despite the fact that I’ve vowed to not let anyone bump me anywhere, anymore, and it’s left me feeling more discouraged and alone than I honestly have felt in a long time.
As I’ve begun to bring up here, I have depression. I think it’s important that I start talking about this because a) it will help me and 2) it’s important to let others know that they are not alone, and that depression is not something that you can talk yourself out of. I take medication to control the chemical imbalance, and I see a therapist often to help control and try to make sense out of the thoughts and things I make myself believe. Due to my depression, I am fairly sensitive emotionally, at least when compared to most people on this planet. My feelings get hurt easily, I often fear that the inflection in someone’s voice is negatively reflected towards me because of something I didn’t know that I did, but must have done, and I don’t handle disappointment well at all. In my head, disappointment feels similar to your best friend telling you that you’re an asshole, always have been, and that they never want to see you again. It’s almost heartbreaking in a way for me and it’s incredibly difficult for me to cope with. Especially when I am disappointed over an event that I was very much looking forward to.
My one ex and I, the man that I thought for a very long time was THE ONE, have started speaking recently and we agreed to try to rebuild a friendship. Obviously, the complications of having been in a relationship are HUGE, but I stuffed them down as best as my semi-sane mind is able, cried hysterically to my mother on the phone the night before, and showed up today hoping for the best, but telling myself that I was expecting the worst. It’s unfortunate though, because even though I say I expect the worst, I still always have this WANT to be surprised. And I hang onto that sliver of hope with white knuckles as if I’m in possession of the secrets to solving all the worlds problems, and when I realize I’ve only lied to myself, it sadly causes me to fall harder than if I had expected nothing at all. He and I’s relationship isn’t so easy. I will admit I still have feelings for him – I mean, I almost fell in love with the man the moment I met him and I put myself through so much sadness and heartache for him for so many years, I don’t know how I couldn’t….no one else has ever come close, and I fear no one ever will. I had resigned myself to the fact that having him in my life in some capacity was better than none, but after the disappointment of today, I’m not so sure that I was right about that.
I know he’ll probably never treat me like he treats his other friends, and having slept together in the past will sometimes make that situation strange. I get that and I can even say I understand. But I guess I still WANT him to look at me in the way that he used to; and I still want him to think I’m worth “it” enough to actually spend time with again. I want to have back what he used to bring into my life – the music, the humor, the happiness and the crazy-ass-but-hysterical random conversations that we’d have – and it kills me when his actions trigger the negativity inside of me to rise up and take over. Perhaps it’s my depression that does this to me, or maybe I’m just a negative jackass, but every time I heard him say that he was sorry today didn’t work out but that he wanted to hang out some OTHER time, my head just said “lies, lies, lies” in retort.
So, here I am, spending another night in the sole company of my beloved pets. I am thankful for their presence, as being entirely alone is probably something I would not be able to survive tonight, or any night, truth be told, but despite their devotion and unconditional love, I still can’t shake off the insignificance that I feel. It seems that I continue to put myself into situations where I can only be disappointed, and I think it’s slowly breaking my spirit. Ok, so maybe not so slowly. I have a lot of ME to work on still, and I know that I don’t have the strength to try to build a romantic relationship with a person, but I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will again, or if I should even try. Disappointment wreaks such havoc on my emotions and mind that I question everyone that comes into my life and whether they will let me down or not – and tonight my disappointment pains me so greatly that I feel myself drawing into my little protective bubble, blocking the world out so that I can spare myself more potential pain in life. I’m an expert at putting on that fake smile and happy go lucky attitude that I show the public, even though I cry myself to sleep at night when I’m alone. I used to dream of getting married and having children and a happily ever after family story; now, I dream of nothing. It’s better for me to expect nothing, after all, than to be disappointed.