I have tendencies to forget all the b.s. that was involved in my past, and instead, replace it with warm and fuzzy recollections filled with lollipops and gummi bears. The trouble with this is that my sappy, unrealistic, cavity inducing, misty, water colored memories make me miss the past, and I start glorifying people and situations, not taking into account the shit storms that were peppered in between and which got stuck in the decaying spot of my back tooth. After forcing my logical side to take over after the jolt from the nerve pain, I can usually conjure up a memory as to WHY I got myself OUT of the situation. For all of about two minutes. Then I get back to the glorification. It’s just more fun that way.
Those who know me wouldn’t really describe me as an optimist. Personally, I consider myself a realist – I try not to over expect things so as to not be overly disappointed. It’s served me well so far as it’s only been the last 6 months or so that I’ve REALLY been able to look at life from that particular vantage. In the past, I’d say I was a realist but I had a very negative perspective; always with a What If scenario ready at hand that would result in the end of the world, death or at least the loss of an appendage. Now, thanks to medication and therapy, I can legitimately say that I no longer have to practice techniques with my left arm tied behind my back. My only concern now lies with Johnny Depp and if somehow picks me out of the other 6 billion people in the world, including the gorgeous mother of his children, to run away with and never face reality again. But I’d willingly GIVE my left arm for that shit, so I’m not even stressing.
I’ve never maintained a friendship with an ex, especially one that I still have some remnants of feelings for, and I think in part it was because I always feared how DIFFICULT it would actually be to do. One of my ex’s mentioned recently about how someone had not long ago tried to start a relationship with him, and it was all I could do to check that jealous streak in me and keep my big mouth shut. I succeeded, but my head was screaming out Who was it? Anyone I know? What happened? How did you meet? and similar jealous, shallow concerns that aren’t really mine to have. EX. Remember this. And then I start pining, remembering his humor and how he, above no one else, could make me laugh like I never have. And how our taste in music and movies and people was similar enough to allow us to bond over those things when we first began our friendship; and they became the core of it for years to follow. But then he acts fails to react emotionally to something I thought deserved an certain sort of reaction, and I get pissed off. I KNOW THIS ABOUT THIS MAN, but I still allow it to affect me, as if I expect him to treat me differently than he treats eeeeeeeeeeeveryone else. Others accept him for who he is – I either need to, or I need to just shut the hell up. Expecting anything more is hypocritical, and I HATE hypocrites!, since I often say I don’t judge people and accept them for who they are. Apparently, I thought that that only applied if you are NOT an ex boyfriend.
He and I are supposed to spend some time face to face one weekend soon and I’m going to try to make the best of a situation, which is likely to be awkward, since we haven’t seen each other since our split back in October. I think that rebuilding a friendship is a safe place to focus my energies pertaining to him right now. After all, the friendship memories aren’t as blurred since they were the forefront in our relationship – we had a friendship before anything so I feel I can trust how that made me feel, and how the thoughts of having one again MAKE me feel. I know that our friendship was true and real and that I’m not remembering it being more, or less, than it was. Despite my most optimistic hopes of the coming event, though, it’s still hugely uncharted territory, as the last time I saw an ex AFTER a breakup was, well, never. Sometimes I wonder where I come up with this shit.