17 May

I had the first conversation in probably 6 months with my ex last night. All told, it was about 5 minutes or less because I forced it to end, but it was still probably the hardest thing I did all day. If it isn’t inherently obvious, I still have a lot of unresolved issues with the end of my last relationship. From my standpoint, the relationship did not end because there was a lack of love for him; in fact, even today, I still love him in a very real capacity, somewhere along the way though, I believe he lost his love for me. And the where and the when is what I feel I need to know – that is what I feel prevents me from being able to let go of what was, and try to move into regaining some sort of friendship with him. At least that’s what I tell myself. Although beings that I’m STILL in therapy, still discussing the loss and anger that I feel over ex boyfriends and the lack of emotion my family as a whole shares, which is why I’ve always felt I should stifle my emotions down, thus causing my issues with NEEDING someone to vocally and physically need and want me in order to feel useful and worthwhile, deducing the emotional relevance of situations such as this are not my forte. That sentence took me 6 months to learn and I’m still not able to say it out loud.

We had a nice, albeit brief, conversation and short exchange of texts last night, and I will admit that it felt good. It was nice to hear his voice, and to be able to genuinely wish him well and to let him know that I DO miss him. I miss his unique sense of humor that never failed to make me laugh or at least look at him sideways, I miss ‘us’ and the fun we used to have a long time ago when we were together, and I mostly miss the friendship that we had, all those years ago. It seems like its been an eternity, things have changed so much, and I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to where we were…but it was nice to have the opportunity to say hello.

If *YOU* read this, please know that I understand I had plenty to do with the way things ended. I apologize for the bullshit that I put you through – looking back at this point, I can see how difficult things must have been at times. Thank you for sticking through as long as you did. I don’t know where exactly it was that you decided it was over in your mind, but I will say that it hurt me more to have you at arm’s length than it did to have you maintain your “radio silence” in another state. Funny how emotions work, isn’t it? I am doing OK – emotionally and mentally – as I am in a much better place than when we last talked. I’m obviously still working through things, as I told you last night, but it’s only because you meant so damn much to me, on so many levels, for years…a friendship with you is better than never speaking to you again, but last night illustrated to me that it can also still hurt MORE than never speaking to you again. As Ani said “Baby, you’re right as rain about the benefits / But you might be wrong about the costs.” Heh, I remember when you introduced me to that song…

Soon, I hope the benefit will outweigh the cost…….soon.


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