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Consistency, consistency, consistency…

24 Oct

That word ::shudder::  has become the bane of my existence. At work, one of the major reasons I’m not being offered a promotion is due to a lack of consistency. We have productivity requirements to meet and of course we’re supposed to strive to exceed the base, and my numbers the last few months have been less than exceptional. Hell, some months have been less than ideal. So when I speak to my manager about my knowledge, and how I meet all other requirements for the next level up, she continues to point out my lack of consistency as the main reason why I am still not yet considered for “Senior” status.

Take my blog here as a second brilliant example of my issues with consistency. Time and time again, I log in here, write down some bs about what’s going on in my lessthaneventfilled life, and vow once more to begin posting something with some sort of CONSISTENCY. Then a month goes by, I’ve not posted two words, and the vicious cycle starts all over again.

Interestingly enough, the one place in my life where I’ve had some SORT of consistency would be my relationships. I always find myself with men who are not a good match for me, for one reason or another. They never want or are able to make me a priority; they tend to be emotionally unable to connect with me, which literally kills me as I am very emotionally needy; or they ended up using me as companionship so that they didn’t have to be alone. Do I like, value myself so little that I throw myself immediately towards any man who shows me care and affection, regardless as to whether or not he’d ever be able to meet MY needs, and simply because I tend to misplace my sense of self in the need to care and/or FIX people, or something?

HOLY SHIT. I think I just channeled my therapist for a second, but DAMN that makes some sense!

It’s hard sometimes to see the things that you do and how they affect the way that people treat you and what you accept as appropriate behavior. I’ve been working the last couple of months at really paying attention to what I want instead of what everyone else wants. I’m trying to do the things that make ME happy and doing those sorts of things often. I’ve been honest and straight forward – no games, no innuendos and absolutely no longer allowing interest from a guy alone be enough to make me consider him as a potential partner. I told a guy today that I just didn’t think anything was going to happen for me, and I felt kind of bad about it before and after I told him, but shortly afterwards,  I started to feel better. I started feeling better because I was being true to myself, and not allowing anyone else to influence my decisions or what I do. Sure, it might have meant a free meal and a couple of laughs, but if I already know that I just don’t feel anything romantic towards him at all, is it really FAIR of me to lead him on just long enough to meet? My decision is that it’s  not. I’d rather not waste the gas.

Yes, I’ve decided that my efforts these days will be directed towards myself, and no one else. I’m going to do what I want to do and I’m not going to care about other people’s opinions. It looks like I’ve had my priorities misplaced and I need to have myself together before I can expect any man to want to be with me for anything long term. I’m still going to continue dating, I think, whenever someone comes along that I feel the want to talk to in person, but otherwise, I’m going to live my life. I’m going to start going to a yoga class this week and I’m going to get exercising and taking care of ME. That means quitting smoking, again, but I need to for my overall health’s sake. I’m going to finish the pack I have, and do my best to avoid buying another one. I have gas in my car, food and red bull in my fridge, so I should be able to avoid the Hill for at least a few days as way of supporting my attempt of quitting, especially now that every one who works there knows my brand. Oy. It’s time to start being consistent about my health and my life and my job – the things that define ME, instead of spending all of my energy on others so that they can feel better about themselves, leaving me drained and fending for myself. My expectation and hope is that once I’m more balanced in that way, the rest of these things that I want and continue not being able to find, should fall into place. Hopefully, redirecting my energy towards bettering myself will extend outwards to others I meet, attracting the appropriate kind of men, and allowing me to make logical, intelligent, selfish decisions on who deserves my time. Go. Me.

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