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Bigger fish to fry

19 Sep

I often play out scenario’s in my head, imagining what could be and what would happen if only certain items fell into place. I don’t dream of flying or gaining super hero powers, or even of winning the lottery; I dream of  mushy shit like happiness and love and romance and getting married. I long to feel that I am wanted and seen as invaluable to my partner and that no matter what, he will always have my back. It’s a sad reality that sometimes, dreams just cannot come true, no matter how hard or long I believe that they will, or wish that they could.

As I am sitting here right now, watching movies about people falling in love and fulfilling each others needs emotionally and physically, I pray for some of their bliss to transfer to me somehow, since my own life seems less than ideal in comparison. I realize that they are actors playing a part, but I cannot help but feel that there must be some truth to be had in their portrayals. Otherwise, how could they have the knowledge to play that part, if it didn’t exist in some way, shape or form, somewhere on this earth. I hear my friends talk about how wonderful their partners are – how in love they feel – how they are treated as if they are the most important thing in the world. Instead of being able to understand where they are coming from, I find myself at a perplexing loss, as if I were trying to understand someone explaining astrophysics to me in a foreign language. How is it possible that their love is so different from what I seem to have? How do they manage to have more laughs than tears? How do they maintain such high levels of trust and reciprocity? Then I realize that it’s because all of those things are something that my partner cannot give to me, nor I to him.

As of this moment, I no longer pray for happiness or peace or marriage or children or bliss or that dream I’ve always dreamed. I no longer wish for that intrinsic love that I’ve been missing in vain. The man who at one time loved me fell out of love with me a long time ago it seems, and the man that I was in love with simply does not exist any longer. He’s been replaced with someone who seems to have no regard for me, or for himself and who’s feelings of self worth are directly related to how hard he works at his job. Not at his relationship. He’s changed into something that I no longer recognize, and I do not wish to facilitate the facade any longer. My relationship is over.

As each acidic tear rolls down my cheek, I feel the loss burn deeper and deeper into me. I feel deceived and fooled, as if the last 2 years of my life were just a way for him to waste time. As if the relationship as a whole was nothing more than a coma induced dream. I find it difficult to even reminisce about the good times or the happiness that once adorned our faces as I cannot, with absolute certainty, say that they were truly as I recollect them. Today, I struggle to recall what it was about him that I fell so deeply, so quickly for. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be loved by a man; I may not have ever known in the first place.

Tomorrow comes at a pace that I cannot slow. The earth rotates, time moves on and the sun will set, only to rise again. If the universe truly puts situations into our lives for us to learn and grow from, I beg it to expose what it is that I am to have learned from this. I can accept the fact that this does not make me a terrible person, and that I will recover from yet another heartbreak, as I’ve always managed to do. But that logic does not help me with the pain I am feeling every second that ticks by. I am losing my best friend and once lover, and everything that we’ve built together over the last 2 years, all at once, and with more sorrow than I would wish upon my worst enemy. He became my everything and I, his nothing. Love is a fickle thing – it cannot be bought or sold or manipulated – it must be earned and maintained. Once anyone in that love stops wanting those things, it’s difficult, if not damn near impossible to recover it. Best to cut losses and move onward, taking care of oneself, because no one else can be trusted to do so.

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