There once was a time in my life where I would have forgiven anyone for anything, short of murder, or being the keystone of the Apocalypse. But I learned something about myself today that I didn’t know was possible before – I can actually hold a grudge against someone who has wronged me. It’s not something I do regularly and it’s not something that I have as a goal in life, but there are times when forgiveness is not an option, and I found my first circumstance for that today.
A person that I used to be friends with reached out to me via email to just say “Hi”. Keep in mind that the last communication I had with this person was over a year and a half ago, and it was in the form of another email sent by the person, which, long story short, insulted who I am as a person, and basically told me that I was the cause of this persons unhappiness. First of all, anyone who thinks anyone outside of themselves could be responsible for their sadness, or happiness for that matter, needs to seek therapy. I did, and I recognize now that I am responsible for myself and no one else – and in a lot of ways, that realization has been liberating. Secondly, the email was signed off with something along the lines of OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET, NOW THAT I’VE TOLD YOU THAT YOU SUCK, YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO COMMENT BACK. DON’T CONTACT ME. Fair? Hardly. But, I tried to be the bigger person, and at the advise of my therapist, I did NOT reply – not because the person “told” me not to, but because it was supposed to have a bigger impact on this person than any comment I could have possibly made would have.
Unfortunately for me, I can’t follow my own advise for too long, and today’s random email struck a long quelled nerve and I couldn’t stop my fingers from typing a retort. I cleared most of what I said with my boyfriend before sending, so as to try to avoid sticking my foot in my mouth in the heat of anger, but there were a few impromptu responses where my mouse migrated to that damn SEND button faster than an Oreo goes to my thighs. I probably should have tried to be more understanding, but somewhere deep inside of me, allowing this person to gain the peace of mind I feel that they were seeking meant being weak. Weakness is worse than death to me anymore – weak mindedness, weak spiritedness, physical weakness – all lead back down the path where I once was in life, and I don’t want to go back there EVER. AGAIN. With that said, could I have chosen to be forgiving to the only person who ever insulted who I AM? Yes, I could have. But that would that have made me feel that I was sacrificing something about myself that I have worked long and hard to attain – my pride and self worth. And rule number one is that I am the most important person to me, and no one else. So I have to take care of me, like no one else can. Harsh? Maybe. Real? Definitely.
~footnotes of an unrequited life~ 