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I’ll see your ‘Fat Face’ and raise you a ‘Eat shit & die’

03 Jun

I am lucky enough to work from home a couple of days a week. In light of that amazing perk, one would imagine that dealing with traffic only 3 out of 7 days would give me more of a buffer zone for idiots, however, one would assume that INCORRECTLY. Apparently, either my tolerance for people en mass has gone down, or society in general is deteriorating by the day.

This morning on my way in, I happened to end up behind a big, diesel, maroon, Dodge pickup truck. Simply by my inclusion of the words DIESEL and PICKUP TRUCK, you should have been able to gather that I was dealing with what most people would call a RED NECK. There were no antlers tied to the hood or brass balls hanging from the trailer hitch, but there was a slight hint of asshole in the air the first time that we passed a dotted yellow line. He went from teeter-tottering around the speed limit to EIGHTY (80!) in like, two seconds and then slowed back to the speed limit as soon as the double yellow reformed. After this pattern repeated between a couple of the passing zones, I began to realize it was intentional, and that the driver was not in fact, having a seizure.

Unfortunately for me, my heritage includes large chunks of Italian and German – and by that, I am trying to invoke the reference strictly to illustrate temperament – and instead of resigning to call an asshole an asshole, I retaliated. I attempted to pass a couple of times, one of which I was almost forced off of the road by this dude, only to eventually end up following him until there were multiple, single direction lanes, and most importantly…WITNESSES.

At the next light, he pulled into the left turn lane as I wanted to go straight; I saw the passenger window come down and thought “REDEMPTION!” only to be leered at by two skinny, tooth missing, Klan wanna-be, exclusively monosyllabic processing, repulsive excuses for human beings who’s infantile reaction to me questioning what the HELL they had been doing was “You have a fat face!” So I made a pouty face, ran my finger down my cheek like I was chasing a tear, threatened a full scale police manhunt and then peeled away when the light turned green, deeming them, combined, as the Official 1st horseman of the pending Asshole Apocolypse – Conquest.

Anyone with Police ties in the state of Maryland or Pennsylvania, please contact me as I have a license plate and vehicle description that I’d like to track down the owner of in order to file a complaint/grievance/asshole report on. And yes, in my heart of hearts, I really do believe that such a thing exists.

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