I’ve not been in a good place, mentally, the last couple of days. Overall, I’m feeling rather down and weepy and emotional and I’m trying to blame it on PMS and trying to quit smoking and stress and yet, I know the reality of it is….ME. It can be summed up in 7 words by quoting a local hero, Mary Prankster, You’re not my problem. I’m my problem. Part of my depression is definitely due to the fact that my fantastically awesome boyfriend is out of town for the second week in a row and I am missing him something fierce even though he is supremely awesome at keeping my worries at bay. But the proverbial icing on the cake is my ability to DWELL on shit. Although I have this really loud, booming voice of logic which tells me I have no control over these things, and that everything happens for a reason, I just can’t shake off my crazy today.
I’m finding most of my remorse coming from the fact that in the last 4 months, I have lost 4 people who I had considered good friends, all for reasons unbeknownst to me. The way all 4 dissolution’s manifested was by them just closing me out of their lives. I’ve spent a lot of nights trying to make sense of WHY these women would ever have felt the need to block me out, and I gotta tell ya that aside from migraines, I’ve come up with nothing. One so-called friend has seemingly dropped me due to a guy, although I’m sure she would tell you otherwise, and despite the fact that she promised to never let such an atrocity happen, that is the best explanation I have come up with. Another is remaining loyal to the person she should, and although there is a huge level of discomfort around her, I knew it would play out this way, so I should have been better prepared. The third has been through some pretty trying times herself in the last few months, and for a while, I tried to blame it on that. But I can only fool myself for so long. And the 4th? Well, I don’t think I ever really meant anything to the 4th, I was someone to make her feel better about herself, and when I stopped being that person, my use had run out. Honestly though, she’s the least of my concerns.
I suppose that a lot of my obsession with the losses of these “friends” is because I typically make and maintain only the best of friends. Hell, most of the people I call my best friends today have been in my life for no less than 12 years. Only 2 are new additions and yet have managed to make our few years of friendship feel like a lifetime – and one of them happens to be my boyfriend. In the scheme of things, I’ve always valued friendships the most out of all things in life, and I believe more in quality as oppose to quantity, but I never thought that I would have misjudged the state of any relationship to the extent of which I have with these 4 women. And the worst part about it all is that I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED.
Today was not a good day (at 7:30 this evening I’ve already taken 2 Tylenol PM in a vain attempt to sleep off the remaining melancholy), Sunday was worse, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. Both my mom and my therapist have given me the most compromising, and subsequently, best, advice ever: Allow myself time to dwell, but only for a finite period. And once that pre-established amount of time has passed…it’s time to move on.
As difficult as this has been for me, I don’t really hold anything against any of these women. I try to make myself feel better about the situation by recognizing that everyone has a season – and my season with these 4 women must have already passed. I would welcome most of them back into my life, but I would probably always hold them at a distance, so things dissolving as they have is probably the best way for this all to have gone down. I’m saddened by the losses, but I have gained a lot in my life in the last few months as well, and I wouldn’t forgo any of it for anyone; my seasons are changing.
To everything turn, turn, turn…