My birthday is again approaching, and I again, am feeling this overwhelming urge to get my life more in order. Something about aging a year always seems to make me reevaluate where I am in the great game. I am single, I have no children, I live alone, I drive the same car that I’ve been driving since High School, I finally just got myself into a job that I could potentially consider career worthy, and I have started to realize the immensity of owning a home. Not to mention all of the labor that comes with it. And cuts. And scrapes. And bruises.
When I was getting ready to turn 25, I was fresh out of a longterm relationship and I was really looking singledom in the eye for the first time since I was about 17. Instead of reveling in my new found freedom, I started to look at all of my friends and their lives as a kind of road map to where I thought I needed to be at this stage in my life; and in turn, I started to freak out over what a failure to progression I had become. I realized most of my friends were either married, or had children or were in relationships in which some sort of future seemed imminent and I somehow gave myself the notion that all people in their mid 20’s should be trying to find someone to settle down with and that fact that I was without somehow meant that I was less of a person than everyone else and meant that I was going to end up dying alone. I became obsessed with my singularity, I started to focus so intently on how I was without a relationship that I refused to deem it anything but being ALONE. I wasn’t single, I was ALONE. I wasn’t taking a break from dating, I was ALONE. I wasn’t free, I was ALONE. I wasn’t recovering from a ridiculously tiring and difficult relationship, I was ALONE. I wasn’t trying to spend time working on myself and all of my Mental, I. Was. ALONE. And very unhappy with that fact.
In all honesty, it’s taken me most of the last 2 years to realize that it’s really ok to be right where I am. Most of my friends who are married, or with children, wish that they were in my shoes. One friend’s marriage is in shambles, another friend’s relationship is in jeopardy, another friend has 2 kids to think about and so she stays where she shouldn’t….the list goes on. It started to creep into my mind that I’ve really got nothing to be jealous of. My path has not brought me to the point of children, and marriage, and husbands, and “ever after,” yet. Who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind about all of that anyway, and instead, devote myself to building up my rapport of being the “Crazy Cat Lady” of the neighborhood. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have this unnerving feeling that I am missing out on something, I am just beginning to realize that I don’t want to just accept things turning out a specific way. I would rather CREATE my life, instead of circumstantially falling into one.
I still worry over my mistakes and the choices that I have made which have gotten me to where I am. But it is through the assistance of therapy, and possibly due to the fact that I might actually be becoming remotely rational, that I’ve started to realize that “settling” for someone just so that I can have that feeling of companionship is not something I am willing to do. I am too independent of a person, I have too many opinions and dreams and wants to do so; and I have no intentions of becoming that codependent rag that I once was. So, it is with 5 days to go until I age yet another year closer to 30, I have instead, decided to do all that I can to keep my mental at bay long enough to just enjoy what I have and who I am becoming, and to stop wishing for things I don’t have and will never be. For today, I am going to trust enough in fate for it to guide me in the right direction, and I hope that one day, I will find all that I am looking for. Whatever that is.