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You are the Sampson to my Delilah

03 Apr

I know I told you that one day I would probably have a bit more to say about all of this. Well, it seems that the one day has come.

I guess the most important thing here is that I want you to know that despite the fact that there seemed no end to my misery for a full 24 hours of stewing, I finally understand. And I forgive you. I’m not really 100% certain that this is a situation which WARRANTS forgiveness, but for some reason, I really felt like I needed to tell you that. I’m sure you’ll understand what I mean by that. You always did.

I talked about you in therapy last session, and I found myself saying Well, I couldn’t close the door, so I guess he was the one that HAD to, and I genuinely believed the words even as they poured from my mouth. We’ve reached a point beyond most; you became very important to me, almost too important, and I know that there were reciprocated feelings and compassion on your behalf. Yet, there was a lot missing. Even our friendship was void at the end.

I feel like I have lost one of my best friends, because despite the fact that I never really talked to you anymore, and we never really hung out, I always looked forward to whatever it was that you had to say. Whether in text, email, over the phone, or most especially in person. I was always in awe of your wit and intelligence and I always found your humor to be the greatest of all. I thought for a long time that that was going to be enough for me. I thought that one day, my charm would win you over and I would finally be happy. That damn word. I don’t really know what it is yet, but I do know that happiness is about more then moments, it’s about more than that overall feeling of peacefulness, of which you spoke. Since this has happened, I was forced into realizing that you wouldn’t be able to make me happy. You have a lot on your own plate to figure out, and you are too absent, emotionally, to be able to actually be what I would need you to be. And there is no peace to be found there.

So, I forgive you, and I thank you. It was hard to let something that I had held onto for SO incredibly long, GO. But you pushed me to do so, and that, in the long run, will probably be the best thing that you have EVER done for me. I owe you a lot, you were my greatest supporter and my harshest critic for a long time, and I know that there were definitely some ridiculously trying times between us. But in the long run, if I could go back and do it all again, I would. I would never want to forgo, or much less forget about the friendship that we once had. I don’t want to forget the times I cried on your shoulder and you consoled me, I don’t want to forget all the evenings after work when we would sit in my car and listen to music and just TALK. The inside jokes, the code words, the fact that you ALWAYS knew that I was thinking more then I lead on…Those are all very precious memories, and no matter what happens down the line with you and I, I will always have them. And for that, I will always be thankful.

I guess for now, this is bye. I guess for now, you and I are too different, despite our uncanny similarities, to even consider harboring a friendship, not to mention anything else. I guess for now, this is really the best. For BOTH of us. I do love you, and I probably always will. But as I’ve always said to you before, there is a difference between loving someone, and being IN love with someone. May you find what you are looking for, and may you shed the things that only bring you down. Take care OF YOURSELF, my kindred spirit. Maybe one day we can catch up over some tunes. We will always have Zeppelin. *smile*

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