Back to the drawing board

29 Mar

Today I did something that I haven’t done in a long time – I. CRIED. I’m not talking about letting a few tears escape and run down my cheeks only to quickly wipe them away and then regain my composure kind of crying; I’m talking about full, headache generating, puffy, red-eyed waterworks. I’m talking about mascara running, snot dripping uncontrollably from my clogged sinus’, make me resort back to praying, I-can-barely-breath-through-the-sobs kind of crying. And no matter how hard I’ve been trying to close that dam back up, I can’t. I apparently have stored up a lot of tears, and they are escaping like inmates through a dynamited prison yard.

No matter how realistic you are about things, you are never totally prepared to lose someone close to you. You never really think about it coming down to them not being in your life anymore and you never really realize how big of a deal it would be. Until it happens. It’s funny the weight that certain people carry in our lives and it’s heart-breaking when you have to try to fill that void.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’ll get through this, and I know that what doesn’t kill me will only make me stronger. I know that this isn’t the end and I know that one day (at least, I HOPE) I may be able to look back on this with positivity and thankfulness. But for right now, I ain’t gonna lie: I am NOT ok. Right now, I can’t stop sobbing and right now I feel like I may never be the same as I once was. Maybe that’s all for the best? I don’t know, shit, I don’t know much of anything at the moment except that I am DAMN glad that I bought those tissues with the little bit of lotion on them. Otherwise, my nose would be as red and raw as my eyes, and that would just piss me off to the point of tears. Oh wait, I’m already there…


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