My crowning achievement in life

29 Jan

While out today at lunch, I was complimented not once, but TWICE upon my ability to park in a spot without having to pull in, then back out a little to straighten up, then pull back in. Apparently, parking in one fell swoop is a task many cannot master, which, when you think about it, isn’t that far fetched of an assumption. Afterall, how many people do you see in parking lots taking up two spaces? Or are parked so close to the line that there is no conceivable way that you’d be able to open your car door should you park next to them? And how many times have to returned to your own vehicle to find a fresh ding or paint scrape that is at door height? To those who now have guilty consciences, I say this: learn how to NOT park like an asshole, PLEASE!

Aside from being able to competently park in those specially designed spaces, I also live with on-street parking. Meaning, you HAVE TO BE ABLE TO PARALLEL PARK and if you can’t, well, you’re Shit Out of Luck, my friends. It amuses me to no end to watch people attempt, no less than 5 times on average, to get their vehicle properly situated into a spot which is two times the size of their car. And then, they manage to park in the middle of the two spots, therefore making it impossible for anyone else to be able to properly facilitate the limited curb space. In fact, I actually offer to parallel park my friends cars when they come to visit in order to spare them from the nailbiting upset that ensues for most. I like to park, what can I say? A girl’s gotta take advantage of the abilities that she has at her disposal.

I propose to everyone this: Elect me into a position of power. I could do wonders for the world with my unpresendented parking abilities. Maybe I could end world hunger and create Peace in the Middle East just because I CAN PARK. It seems that my ability compares in difficulty to Rocket Science for many others. I mean, I bet Bush can’t parallel park HIS car…but he probably doesn’t even drive. Afterall, reading is an integral part of the driving test.

My slogan would go “Vote for me! I like to Park! And I’m good at it!” I could make my campaign about getting larger parking spaces at malls and parking garages. I could offer free Parallel Parking classes for those who are inept. I could revolutionalize the way we live as a society. One parking space at a time.


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