It’s been a harsh reality to accept, but I am SUCH a girl. It has nothing to do with my physical traits, or my Double X chromosomes or the fact that I have the dubious honor of having a uterus; no, it has to do with the fact that I am incapable of taking things at face value. I know that women are always trying to get away from the fact that we are a difficult species to identify with – we always say it’s the man’s fault and that we really aren’t that hard to interpret. Being a woman, I beg to differ. I cannot say that most women are the same as I, but I am definitely a hard one to figure out. Shit, I struggle with it myself. Case in point: I always find myself over analyzing a conversation, or replaying it in my head thinking “Damn, I should have said this instead of that.” I’m a master of insinuation. I can take a seemingly pointless conversation and somehow turn it into someone professing their love for me. I can take anything and spin it around 180 degrees with barely a flick of my wrist, and then I wonder why I feel like I am on a different page than most people.
Lately, I find myself rehashing a current situation over, and over again in my head to the point where I barely know which way is up. I feel like an ass continuing to ask for clarification, but then at the same time, I feel that I am really in need of some. Nothing has changed, persay, but somewhere along the lines, I have taken a communication and butchered it beyond recognition; and in that, I have made myself concerned. I do this often – it’s as if I cannot think in any other way than through cynicism. My horoscope today read:
Why is it that when you’re on the verge of getting what you want, you get wishy-washy and begin backtracking? It’s fear of fulfillment. Move past it, because you deserve to enjoy the good things in life.
HA! I say, HA! How dare anyone accuse me of being wishy-washy or of backtracking?!?! I don’t DO that, do I? Well, ok, maybe I can identify with that, but just a little. Ok, piss off, A LOT then, are you happy now?!? Some days I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in my life, maybe it’s more about having a LACK of good things, but I definitely worry about what it would actually be like to be fulfilled in life. I can’t say that I have ever BEEN in such a situation, so how then, could I be in fear of it? They say that it is the fear of the unknown which most concerns us…well, that is a fear greater to me than death. If I don’t let anyone in, I can’t get hurt. If I am not fulfilled, I’ll never know what I am missing in life. If I am alone, I can bitch about it until my hearts content without really having to put myself out there and risk it all. See? It makes sense in my fucked up head.
I wonder about myself sometimes. I wonder if I should go back into counseling. I wonder if I really am the person that I THINK I am. I wonder if I talk to much. I wonder if I’m too weird – what, with my uncanny ability to spew forth trivia and song lyrics for days on end with nary breaking a sweat. I wonder if there really is someone out there who will accept me at face value and not make me CHANGE, because change is definitely something to fear. I wonder if I’ll ever understand life and what it’s meant to be about. I know that there is a lot to be said for being independent and self-sufficient, but there is definitely a lot about life that I can’t do on my own. I can collect pets until I turn into the Crazy Pet Lady of the neighborhood, but I sincerely don’t believe that will help my sanity. So I’m feeling like I need to revert back to my “Moving the hell away from everyone that I know” plan…although that would constitute “backtracking” wouldn’t it? Damn it, I really hate when those things are right.