Whoever came up with WiFi access was a fucking genius! I’m currently on my lunch break, sipping a delicious Terrorist Sponsored Ho Ho Mint Mocha from Caribou Coffee and it is absolutely fantastic, people. The only other thing that could make this moment of my life any better would be if I were allowed to smoke inside. Damn all you clean-air breathing non-smokers…
As I had mentioned the other day, I’ve been smack in the middle of a monumental writers block. Seems that I do some of my best blogging whilst depressed, and for the most part, I have been no type of depressed over the last week or so. Ok, so that’s a little bit of a lie…I HAVE been depressed, and until yesterday, I really wasn’t certain as to WHY. After a good ol’ fashioned cry – come on girls, you know what I’m talking about. Those times where you just feel like the only thing in the world that would make you feel better would be to curl up on the couch with a big box of tissues while watching THAT movie that always makes you cry, or while listening to THAT song that allows you to self deprecate for those precious few minutes and then you cry like it rains in a rainforest and suddenly, you feel better – I finally realized that a lot of that has to do with the fact that the Holidays are once again upon me, like a ton of bricks.
Holidays (specifically Christmas, as I am a Catholic, although not by practice, and New Years) seem to make me sad. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that since my ex and I broke up (almost 2 years ago, now, CHRIST!) I’ve been alone for every major holiday that it would be nice to have a significant other around for. Actually, every major holiday that exists I celebrate single: Valentines Day, Labor Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Christmas, President’s Day, New Years, and whatever other holiday you could think of. Going from spending every waking moment with my ex to THIS has bit a bit of an adjustment to say the least, and I still don’t believe that I am totally adjusted. It’s definitely something that takes getting used to, and I really am growing to hate being single, but it’s also been a learning process for me that I just cannot deny. I’ve learned that I don’t want to have that type of relationship anymore. I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that when he falls, I fall. I don’t want to be someone’s mother, I don’t want to be spending all of my energy on keeping track of someone because I don’t trust them. Hell, I don’t want to be held responsible for someone else’s actions!
So my epiphany last night was that I need to remember that life is about so much more than wasting your time and energy on something or someone that doesn’t benefit you in the least and that no matter how hard you try, sometimes, that’s just how things are. It’s about being happy with yourself before you’ll ever be able to make someone else happy. It’s about believing in whatever ideas you want to believe in, and then practicing them, because all that really matters is that you are true to yourself. It’s about wanting to be with someone not because you can HELP them, but because you LOVE them. Hell, it’s about coming to a coffee shop on your lunch break to write a blog about your depression and your life and not feeling ashamed of it. Cause I can promise you one thing if nothing else: I am not ashamed of my life one iota. It’s been far from perfect, and it still has a long way to go as far as I am concerned, but I wouldn’t change one thing that’s happened to me for absolute power and wealth. Why? Not because absolute power wouldn’t be, like, IDEAL as far as my control-freak ass goes, but because then I wouldn’t be WHO I currently am. And that is a person who spontaneously bursts out into song, who occassionally skips when she walks, who is slightly OCD about even numbers, who routinely bumps into inanimate objects, someone who bites their fingernails off when nervous and who knows more trivia than is probably healthy for one person to know; but I am certain that despite my neuroses, someone, somewhere will want to love, cherish and just be with my crazy ass. And if that means that I will have to wait a little bit longer to find that love, then I’m ok with that. I can make it through the holidays again this year, even if it kills me.