Obsessive Lyrical Psychoanalysis

04 Nov

I would like preface this post with a warning:

*Begin Post Warning* Included in this post is a lot of self acrimonious behaviour and thoughts. If you are just going to fault me for being depressed or give me a lecture about how “everything always works out,” please, I beseech you, don’t bother reading on as I do not want to hear it. If you would like to read my fucked up thoughts without passing any judgement upon me, do feel free. Thank you. *End Post Warning*

By nature, I am a dweller. I worry myself sick, literally, about things. Every and anything that there is to worry about, I worry about; did my friends make it home safely from my house? Another who is in Afghanistan right now, when will he be going home? I dwell on whether or not I’m going to die alone and if some of my friends are actually the “true” friends that I thought they were and shouldn’t be told to fuck off. I obsess about the weather in winter because I hate to drive in ice and snow. I worry about the humidity in the summer because I don’t always turn my air on and when I don’t, I think my dogs might be suffocating. I have had stomach ulcers, migraines, depression and various other maladies which could all be directly related to situations which I obsessed over. Many are due to my ex and his exploits, but like any good codependent, once I no longer had him to worry and obsess over, I found another, and another, and another.

When it comes to men, if I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. I’ve considered switching teams, but after copious amounts of considerate thought, I cannot make myself be attracted to women in that way. Besides, I hear that we as a gender are harder to deal with than men, anyway. I considered joining a convent as well, but as one friend pointed out to me previously, my gratuitous cussing, my less than 100% devotion to “God” as catholics see Him and compulsive love of Led Zeppelin would probably be frowned upon by the nuns. So at this point, mostly due to a lack of options as opposed to an epiphany, I have decided to let it all be. If I end up as the neighborhood crazy lady that no one has seen in public for the last decade and with a house full of cats, so be it. If I end up moving to New Zealand with my dear Walter to raise Alpacas and Wallabies as planned, even better. But if I do not, I promise myself that I will take it all as it comes, whatever “it” may be, without obsessing. Eventually, it gets to a point where it hurts to much to continue following my normal, self abusive path. How many nights can you cry yourself to sleep over someone before you realize that your tears are more out of pity for yourself, than they are in longing over him? It’s not fair to me, or anyone else, to live for the what could be’s instead of the what is.

Today, I vow to begin reading my self-help books again. I might even go back to therapy some day, as recently suggested. I vow to stop trying to make things happen, and just to allow them. Even if they don’t. I promise myself to stop being miserable with what I don’t have and instead, get out of my own head and be thankful for what I do.

Ben Harper’s Walk Away was in my head when I woke up today. I think it’s befitting.

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it’s so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes – sometimes,
you just have to walk away – walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it’s so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes – sometimes,
you just have to walk away – walk away and head for the door.

We’ve tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it’s time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin’ on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it’s so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away – walk away – walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.


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One response to “Obsessive Lyrical Psychoanalysis

  1. Amy

    November 7, 2007 at 5:43 pm

    If i were a lesbian, i would totally want you!


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