I am in rare form today. Pissed off, annoyed and generally aggravated with life and all those inhabiting the little bubble which surrounds me. I can taste my anger, I can smell it seeping from my pores like sweat. It tastes as vicious as it sounds and the smell is that of decay. My inner being has atrophied into a miserable, shriveled pile of hate and disgust. I regret that I feel this way; I regret that I have allowed people, who do not maintain the same moral thread as I, to seep into my life. These people suck all that is good and genuine out of me only to then reguritate their angst and afflictions back into my core. I am eaten up such soridness that I have become a despicable, foul corpse of my former being.
The matter at hand happens to be my inability to keep others at bay. I let everyone inside and I lower boundaries and expect that the people whom I donate so much of myself to, would treat me the same. I am too often sadly disappointed. I end up deflated and get nothing in return, barely even gratitude is expressed. I’m essentially taken advantage of by those I considered my friends. And to be quite honest, I happen to be feeling quite a bit overwhelmed by it all, as of late.
Yet, despite my vociferous manner of expression, I realize that this, too, shall pass. I know that I have many demons to fight and I know that it will be a long, uphill battle. I know that one day, I won’t have to get so upset at the pettiness of others, as I will be secure enough with myself to just accept them as they are. Right now though, I just fuckin’ wanna be angry; I wanna spit fire with my newly fissured tongue. I wanna punch my pillow and jump up and down in a hissy fit to rival my friend’s 4 year old daughter. I want to bury my head in the sand and never come up for air.
I started this post knowing I wanted to say something biting and that I wanted a song to grasp that. I needed something that would reproduce the whole fucked-up literary discourse of my mind. I knew what I wanted to say, but as anyone who writes knows, everything expounds off of one idea. Idea begat idea and before you know it, the jigsaw comes together and it just works.
I find both companionship and recognition in this song. I accept it for what it is, and it returns the favor. And I like that. Blind Melon with Change shall be my choice on this cold, unappreciated evening. I do hope you enjoy.
I don’t feel the suns coming out today
It’s staying in, its gonna find another way
As I sit here in this misery I don’t think I’ll ever see the sun from here
And oh as I fade away, they’ll all look at me and say,
Hey look at him I’ll never live that way
But that’s ok their just afraid to change
When you feel your life ain’t worth living, you’ve got to stand up and
take a look around you then look way up to the sky
And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreamin boy cause
when you stop dreamin its time to die
And as we all play parts of tomorrow
Some ways we’ll work and other ways we’ll play
But I know we can’t all stay here forever
So I want to write my words on the face of today
…..And then they’ll paint it
And oh as I fade away they’ll all look at me and say,
hey look at him and where he is these days
When life is hard you have to change