Maybe it’s the rain, maybe it’s the fact that I have been doing so much lately that I don’t even sleep anymore, I nap. Maybe it’s just my head being on overload, or maybe it’s my singledom getting to me, but I have not been in a great mood as of late. I have become the epitome of the acronymn F.I.N.E. : Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional. I’ve been very reminiscent, moody, bordering on down right depressed, actually, especially in regards to my love life. Or more accurately, the lack thereof. But with a couple of possibilities hovering on the horizon, I’ve been a bit more introspective in relation to my relationships of past. More specifically, my most recent.
My ex is an addict. Although he is thankfully, in recovery, he
is will always be, an addict. Plain and simple. Every waking moment of the rest of his life will be a struggle to remain clean and not use. If he falters and gets complacent in life, the probability of him relapsing is about 50%. And if he relapses, it may take him years to once again set foot in the rooms of N.A. For what seemed like a lifetime, I tried to “save” him from himself and his addiction. I thought that if I just loved him and supported him enough, I could make him better, and believe me, I loved him more than the moon and stars. I thought could “fix” him with my compassion and understanding. But after a while, my understanding became enabling and my compassion became tiresome. Needless to say, that relationship was the crowning achievement of codependency of my life. I hurt for so many years that I eventually became numb. I felt nothing; be it happiness or misery. I was alive, but barely so. There was virtually no life about me.
Flash forward a year and a half, and here I am today. I have regained a lot of my own identity, but I still struggle with relationships which have even a sliver of intimacy about them. I’ve learned to block out anything or anyone which could preclude emotional pain. It is easier to be alone and miserable than it is to be with someone and have the potential to be miserable. I’m so afraid to open myself back up, as I only seem to get my heart ripped out when I do.
I sometimes find a song that I can relate so deeply to that it can move me to tears. This one does it everytime. Today’s musical psych interpretation is Epiphany by Staind.
Your words to me just a whisper.
Your face is so unclear.
I try to pay attention,
Your words just disappear.
‘Cause it’s always raining in my head
So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way. I smoke the
whole thing to my head and feel it
Wash away. ‘Cause I can’t take anymore
Of this, I want to come apart,
or dig myself a little hole inside
your precious heart.
‘Cause it’s always raining in my head.
Forget all the things I should have said.
I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
though I always try to hide.
And I talk to you like children,
but I don’t know how I feel.
I know I’ll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed.
But it’s always raining in my head.
Forget all the things I should have said …