Musical Torture – Day 5

17 Oct

So, the other day I started thinking about my codependency issues. *Rewind* After my last “real” relationship ended, mainly because I stopped enabling his drug habit, I felt very lost. It seemed as if my life had ended and I spent no less than 5 months sleeping on my couch because I couldn’t bear to sleep in “our” bed without him there…*Fast Forward* I learned about this “condition” after a couple months worth of therapy. I had a break-through one day after crying into so many tisses that my nose was sore: I was codependent. I had lost all that was my own, and replaced everything with him. Silly me, I thought that was what you did when you loved someone. Little did I know that normal relationships should allow you to maintain a sense of self. Thankfully, Melody Beattie wrote a fantasticly awesome book entitled Codependent No More in which she states:

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

And although that definition is factual and compact, I am always on the lookout for a song to identify aspects of my life with. That way, when I’m mad at the world, I can pop in a particular tune and scream the words out at the top of my lungs in a frenzied state of self deprecation. Oddly enough, it usually makes me feel better; guess there is something to be said for mourning.

Additionally, my intentions of this musical psychoanalysis wasn’t to document moods on a daily basis, but rather, to musically explore aspects of me. I wanted to portray my personality and my being by sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings through my selection of music. So in honor of my codependency, I’d like to share with you another song which you must experience through audio. I think that Fiona Apple is one of my favorite musicians for multiple reasons: a) She writes her own lyrics and musical scores. She plays the piano like a motherfucker and 2) Her voice is so reminiscient of 1930’s era Jazzy Blues singers like Billie Holiday. I just adore that smokey, raspy voice. 3) Her songs are real. They are from the heart, her experience, her life. And the difference is apparent. Have a read and a listen to Fiona Apple’s brilliant musical vision of codependency, I Know.

So be it, I’m your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i’ll know, I’ll know
Baby-I can’t help you out, while she’s still around
So for the time being, I’m being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you’ll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, dont need to say it


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2 responses to “Musical Torture – Day 5

  1. Atherton Bartelby

    October 18, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    I went through the same kind of process following the dissolution of my longest relationship of ten years back in 2003. Sometimes I think I’m still going through it, since I never seem to learn from my past codependent mistakes.

    But what a joy to have voices like Apple’s to provide the soundtrack to our trials and tribulations, no? I love the song that you mentioned above; my Apple soundtrack is: “But never is a promise…and you can’t afford to lie.” *warm smile*

  2. unrequitedlife

    October 18, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    I completely agree and understand, my dear!! And interestingly enough, the banner on my cell phone reads “Never is a promise.” *wink*


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